Savin/Mari -- For the Best
Sequel fic of sorts to alien_writings's You Don't Wanna Know. Because I'm not mean enough to Savin in his own universe.
I’m staring at my AP Bio book when I hear a sharp knock on the door. I haven’t left my room except to go to the bathroom or eat all weekend -- haven’t really eaten much, either. “Yeah?” I call.
“Mari’s here,” Dad grunts through the door. “Remember to keep your door open.”
I’d roll my eyes, but right now I can’t even think about doing anything sexual with Mari. Haven’t even touched myself since Egan decided to make me his next target. Since I realized I didn’t love her, after all. I can still imagine his hands on me. I should have been able to shake that by now, right?
When the door opens, Mari can’t meet my eyes. Of course she can’t. After what I did, I totally don’t blame her. It’s another moment before my dad steps away from my room and walks back down the hall.
“Sorry,” she murmurs, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t realize he’d be home.”
“‘Sokay.” I close my textbook and pull away from my desk. My chest is heavy and it’s a little hard to breathe. “So...I take it you thought about things?” I ask, my voice cracking. Christ, I wish it wouldn’t do that.
I already know she’s going to break up with me. Who wouldn’t? I had sex with someone else. Nevermind that I didn’t actually want to have sex with him. I still enjoyed it. I still did it. Not to mention the fact that I don’t love her.
“I did,” she says. She sits down on the edge of my bed after shutting the door all the way behind her. I smile slightly at that -- my dad’ll totally throw a fit about that later, but it’s not like we’re gonna do anything while he’s home, anyway. That’s what her house is for. She smooths out her skirt, crossing one leg over the other. “And I -- I don’t want to break up with you, Savin.”
Wait, what? I blink at her, wishing my eyes didn’t sting. “You -- don’t?” I ask, forcing the words out of my mouth. She doesn’t? “Why not?”
She gets up from my bed and hugs me before grabbing my hand and pulling me down towards the floor. Funny that she’s now listening to Dad’s silly rules when she broke one of them so readily. I sit down next to her, not knowing what to do with myself at all.
When she forces me to look at her, my chest feels even tighter. “Because you were raped, Savin,” she whispers, glancing up towards the door. “What Egan did -- it wasn’t right.”
“I wasn’t -- I wasn’t raped, Mari,” I say, giving her a bewildered look. I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and scoot away from her. “He didn’t -- hurt me. And I --” My throat closes around my next words, but I manage to choke them out, anyway, “-- and I liked it.”
“Seduction powers are supposed to do that -- to make things feel good, Savin. You know that. You took that silly sex ed course freshman year just like the rest of us,” Mari mutters. “But you still didn’t want to have sex with him, right?”
“Well, no, but --” My face feels hot. I normally don’t blush but I know I’m totally doing it now. “--but, if I had been single...”
“When gods seduce you, you can’t say no unless -- unless you’re in love,” she whispers. “Savin, you were incapable of saying no. Egan took away your ability to consent.”
“But I kissed him first!”
Except he pressed himself against me before that. Pushed me up against the lockers and touched me just about anywhere he could. I shudder just at the thought of it, and not because I’m remembering how good it felt. I didn’t want his hands on me. Wouldn’t have wanted his hands on me if he had been a normal guy -- but I would have been able to push a normal guy away, too.
“Savin,” Mari presses, causing me to look over at her. I can feel the tears roll down my face, now -- and hers are filling with tears, too. “You know I’m right,” she whispers, taking hold of my hand. She squeezes it tightly as she brushes my tears away with her other hand. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I did,” I insist, shaking my head. “I’m not in love with you, Mari -- if I had been, if I weren’t such a shitty boyfriend --”
“You can’t help how you feel,” Mari says. Her eyes are sad, though. Hurt. “So you don’t love me -- we can work past that. And I can help you with this whole thing that happened with Egan, too. You just -- you just have to trust me, okay?”
“How can you even trust me?” I cry. I can feel my shoulders shaking as I look away from her, putting my face in my hands. “Mari, I wasn’t fucking raped, okay? I wanted that. I even begged for it --”
“Only because you were under his spell, Savin.” She forces my hands away from my face, making me look at her once again. “You didn’t ask him to use the seduction powers on you, right? He just began touching you and getting in your personal space without so much as caring whether that was okay with you, right?”
“So? That -- that doesn’t change how what I did wasn’t okay. Doesn’t change the fact that I cheated on you, Mari. How does what he did change anything? I still slept with someone else.” Even let Egan take me over and over in the fucking bathrooms at school. Got off more times than I’d like to admit. How could that possibly be rape?
“What if he had done it to me?” Mari says. My eyes widen at the mere suggestion. My hands are balling into fists at my sides at just the thought.
“I’d -- I’d kick his fucking ass,” I hiss. “That -- that would be so fucked up.”
“So how’s it any different when it happened you?” Mari asks. She doesn’t look away from me as she squeezes my fingers again.
She’s right. It’s not any different. I’d be calling it rape if it had been her and not me. Her eyes are sad, still, even filling with tears. “Savin,” she whispers, cupping my cheek. “It’s okay to be upset.”
I manage to nod my head. I can’t really breathe and I can’t say anything, either, my throat’s way too tight. “I didn’t -- I didn’t want --”
When Mari pulls my close, I bury my face into her shoulder. I can feel my sobs overtake me. It’s nothing like when I told my mom about what happened, this time it hurts worse. And while I’m glad that Mari is here and that it’s her I’m crying into, my stomach doesn’t settle. My heart doesn’t ache any less.
I should love her. And she deserves someone who does. Even if she’s -- forgiven me for what happened, I know now that she’s not the one for me.
When I collect myself enough to pull away from her, it’s hard to look her in the eye -- but I manage. “Mari, I’m sorry,” I say, taking in a deep breath to steady myself. “I know I -- that I didn’t cheat on you, but -- but it might be best if we -- if we broke up, anyway.”
“This is because you don’t love me, isn’t it?” she mutters. Her eyes harden, just slightly, but then she sighs and shakes her head. “Whatever, Savin. If you say so.”
It’s all I can do to watch her get up and leave. As much as I want her to stay -- as much as I’d like to still be with her, I know I can’t.
If I haven’t fallen in love with her during the two years we’ve been dating, I probably never will.
I’m staring at my AP Bio book when I hear a sharp knock on the door. I haven’t left my room except to go to the bathroom or eat all weekend -- haven’t really eaten much, either. “Yeah?” I call.
“Mari’s here,” Dad grunts through the door. “Remember to keep your door open.”
I’d roll my eyes, but right now I can’t even think about doing anything sexual with Mari. Haven’t even touched myself since Egan decided to make me his next target. Since I realized I didn’t love her, after all. I can still imagine his hands on me. I should have been able to shake that by now, right?
When the door opens, Mari can’t meet my eyes. Of course she can’t. After what I did, I totally don’t blame her. It’s another moment before my dad steps away from my room and walks back down the hall.
“Sorry,” she murmurs, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t realize he’d be home.”
“‘Sokay.” I close my textbook and pull away from my desk. My chest is heavy and it’s a little hard to breathe. “So...I take it you thought about things?” I ask, my voice cracking. Christ, I wish it wouldn’t do that.
I already know she’s going to break up with me. Who wouldn’t? I had sex with someone else. Nevermind that I didn’t actually want to have sex with him. I still enjoyed it. I still did it. Not to mention the fact that I don’t love her.
“I did,” she says. She sits down on the edge of my bed after shutting the door all the way behind her. I smile slightly at that -- my dad’ll totally throw a fit about that later, but it’s not like we’re gonna do anything while he’s home, anyway. That’s what her house is for. She smooths out her skirt, crossing one leg over the other. “And I -- I don’t want to break up with you, Savin.”
Wait, what? I blink at her, wishing my eyes didn’t sting. “You -- don’t?” I ask, forcing the words out of my mouth. She doesn’t? “Why not?”
She gets up from my bed and hugs me before grabbing my hand and pulling me down towards the floor. Funny that she’s now listening to Dad’s silly rules when she broke one of them so readily. I sit down next to her, not knowing what to do with myself at all.
When she forces me to look at her, my chest feels even tighter. “Because you were raped, Savin,” she whispers, glancing up towards the door. “What Egan did -- it wasn’t right.”
“I wasn’t -- I wasn’t raped, Mari,” I say, giving her a bewildered look. I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose and scoot away from her. “He didn’t -- hurt me. And I --” My throat closes around my next words, but I manage to choke them out, anyway, “-- and I liked it.”
“Seduction powers are supposed to do that -- to make things feel good, Savin. You know that. You took that silly sex ed course freshman year just like the rest of us,” Mari mutters. “But you still didn’t want to have sex with him, right?”
“Well, no, but --” My face feels hot. I normally don’t blush but I know I’m totally doing it now. “--but, if I had been single...”
“When gods seduce you, you can’t say no unless -- unless you’re in love,” she whispers. “Savin, you were incapable of saying no. Egan took away your ability to consent.”
“But I kissed him first!”
Except he pressed himself against me before that. Pushed me up against the lockers and touched me just about anywhere he could. I shudder just at the thought of it, and not because I’m remembering how good it felt. I didn’t want his hands on me. Wouldn’t have wanted his hands on me if he had been a normal guy -- but I would have been able to push a normal guy away, too.
“Savin,” Mari presses, causing me to look over at her. I can feel the tears roll down my face, now -- and hers are filling with tears, too. “You know I’m right,” she whispers, taking hold of my hand. She squeezes it tightly as she brushes my tears away with her other hand. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I did,” I insist, shaking my head. “I’m not in love with you, Mari -- if I had been, if I weren’t such a shitty boyfriend --”
“You can’t help how you feel,” Mari says. Her eyes are sad, though. Hurt. “So you don’t love me -- we can work past that. And I can help you with this whole thing that happened with Egan, too. You just -- you just have to trust me, okay?”
“How can you even trust me?” I cry. I can feel my shoulders shaking as I look away from her, putting my face in my hands. “Mari, I wasn’t fucking raped, okay? I wanted that. I even begged for it --”
“Only because you were under his spell, Savin.” She forces my hands away from my face, making me look at her once again. “You didn’t ask him to use the seduction powers on you, right? He just began touching you and getting in your personal space without so much as caring whether that was okay with you, right?”
“So? That -- that doesn’t change how what I did wasn’t okay. Doesn’t change the fact that I cheated on you, Mari. How does what he did change anything? I still slept with someone else.” Even let Egan take me over and over in the fucking bathrooms at school. Got off more times than I’d like to admit. How could that possibly be rape?
“What if he had done it to me?” Mari says. My eyes widen at the mere suggestion. My hands are balling into fists at my sides at just the thought.
“I’d -- I’d kick his fucking ass,” I hiss. “That -- that would be so fucked up.”
“So how’s it any different when it happened you?” Mari asks. She doesn’t look away from me as she squeezes my fingers again.
She’s right. It’s not any different. I’d be calling it rape if it had been her and not me. Her eyes are sad, still, even filling with tears. “Savin,” she whispers, cupping my cheek. “It’s okay to be upset.”
I manage to nod my head. I can’t really breathe and I can’t say anything, either, my throat’s way too tight. “I didn’t -- I didn’t want --”
When Mari pulls my close, I bury my face into her shoulder. I can feel my sobs overtake me. It’s nothing like when I told my mom about what happened, this time it hurts worse. And while I’m glad that Mari is here and that it’s her I’m crying into, my stomach doesn’t settle. My heart doesn’t ache any less.
I should love her. And she deserves someone who does. Even if she’s -- forgiven me for what happened, I know now that she’s not the one for me.
When I collect myself enough to pull away from her, it’s hard to look her in the eye -- but I manage. “Mari, I’m sorry,” I say, taking in a deep breath to steady myself. “I know I -- that I didn’t cheat on you, but -- but it might be best if we -- if we broke up, anyway.”
“This is because you don’t love me, isn’t it?” she mutters. Her eyes harden, just slightly, but then she sighs and shakes her head. “Whatever, Savin. If you say so.”
It’s all I can do to watch her get up and leave. As much as I want her to stay -- as much as I’d like to still be with her, I know I can’t.
If I haven’t fallen in love with her during the two years we’ve been dating, I probably never will.