my thoughts I've already said but still cant comprehend...
Oh chica...
I am verrrry forelorn
You see.. Ok..I have been MONDO stressed out because of school
I MUST make BETTER than a 3.20 GPA this semester with 18 hours in order to be CONSIDERED for the CARR and I NEED that money so I can finish school AND move out (VERY IMPORTANT TO ME ALSO CUZ NO MORE MONEY.. U KNOW.. THE CAR AND ALL)
so yea I was REALLLY stressed out lately and before thursday I realized that Jason (the air force guy) just wanted sex with me. he said he needed to keep his head straight and like.. he got made at me when I told him about what happend on thursday (WELL HELLO he told me that he didnt want a relationship with me just like.. to mess around THATS NOT A REAL FRIEND. he has no respect for me appherently)
k..THURSDAY :
I realized I was DONE with a week actually TWO full of tests and 20 page papers.. (I felt so relieved) and that nothing was due for me on friday. So, I called calvin I hadnt called him in FOREVER. (since I started talking to jason) so yea... he asked what I was doing (it was 7 pm) I said nothing and asked mom if I could go out w/ cal to relieve stress. so mom said yea til and I cut her off and said, "I'll be back by 10:30 I promise I love you mom" and left.
I spent the night with calvin
didnt come back til the next day at like.. 7am
yea... see we watched garden state at his apartment and afterwords (we were all cuddly during) afterwords he was like what do u wanna do? watch another movie or go out or something? I said I wanted to chill and listen to music. so we ended up actually spooning as a joke then it turned sexual then basically (I'll save u the vulgarity) basically we had sex but clothes were still on (not just making out it was that OTHER thing. lol) so yea HE was smiling the entire time and kept just kissing me and brushing my hair and holding my hand and behaving like we were FINALLY a we. I cant explain it did NOT feel casual AT ALL. Especially because calvin KNOWS my intimacy issues IN DETAIL he knows that I've only kissed Dorian and how far I've gone with boys all my life and that i refuse to without strings attached
so I FIGURED, that cal was being so COUPLEY with me (we didnt sleep but like 15 minutes all night from 7 pm to 7 am in his bedroom) because we'd end up dating FINALLY.
It was so perfect.
Or so I thought. See.. he hasnt called me since thursday last time I saw him was that fri. morning. WEIRD cuz normally we dont even go this long without talking. I THOUGHT WE WOULD ESPECIALLY because of the closeness that occured. like.. I am NOT imagining it we WERE being intimate about all of it HE WASNT FAKING IT haha I know this because he kept trembling of nervousness when we were just cuddling and I KNOW he doesnt do that with girls he USED to casually do. he doesnt have casual sex anymore..
anyways I AM NOT ON HIS SIDE ANYWAYS BECAUSE WHY HASNT HE CALLED ME!??!
His best friend/roomate drew WAS THERE thursday night and heard us AND KNEW what happened.. but DREW HAS CALLED AND TEXTED ME LIKE ALMOST DAILY since thursday.
in one of his last texts it says, "Cal says hey and the text u sent him was funny so anyways blah blah"
WTF? IF CAL WAS IN THE SAME ROOM AS DREW THAT MEANS HE HAD TIME TO CALL AND TALK TO ME. I AM HIS BEST FRIEND. WTF WOULD HE DO THAT WITH ME IF HE PLANNED ON HURTING ME? Its so not him.. its so not what he would do to ME.
AND amanda healey whom hasnt talked to cal in like.. MONTHS called me on sunday to tell me she just ate DINNER with calvin and his guy friends. she was like.. they were nice blah blah. (I am hurt because I ALWAYS hang with cal and the boys. but what? now that I sorta fucked him in a sense, I am NO LONGER their friend? we were inseperable .. THEY called ME all the time KNOWING I'd ignore theyd KEEP TRYING. now? only drew calls/texts and he is hitting on me ALOT. cal used to tell him he wasnt allowed to.
so I am confused did cal tell drew its ok? did cal just decide to start ignoring his bf? did he decide I am a whore he can share with his friends?
I am so mad and confused.
Like I told scarlett.
I feel like I was raped.
He took advantage of me
Knew how I felt
Didnt care what I felt like afterwords enough to call or at least treat me like a friend (he ignored my text which he NEVER does)
and DIDN'T FEEL BAD that he has done this to me. today is like... tues. he hasnt spoken w. me since fri. mornin.
I feel EMOTIONALLY raped.
seriously.. I dunno what to think right now. i am so confused that my BEST FRIEND SINCE LIKE.. I WAS 14 decided to take advantage of me and MAKE IT SEEM like it was something more than what it was to him emotionally (if he hasnt called that means he REALLY didnt feel that way)
I am so hurt/confused by my best friend.
I am verrrry forelorn
You see.. Ok..I have been MONDO stressed out because of school
I MUST make BETTER than a 3.20 GPA this semester with 18 hours in order to be CONSIDERED for the CARR and I NEED that money so I can finish school AND move out (VERY IMPORTANT TO ME ALSO CUZ NO MORE MONEY.. U KNOW.. THE CAR AND ALL)
so yea I was REALLLY stressed out lately and before thursday I realized that Jason (the air force guy) just wanted sex with me. he said he needed to keep his head straight and like.. he got made at me when I told him about what happend on thursday (WELL HELLO he told me that he didnt want a relationship with me just like.. to mess around THATS NOT A REAL FRIEND. he has no respect for me appherently)
k..THURSDAY :
I realized I was DONE with a week actually TWO full of tests and 20 page papers.. (I felt so relieved) and that nothing was due for me on friday. So, I called calvin I hadnt called him in FOREVER. (since I started talking to jason) so yea... he asked what I was doing (it was 7 pm) I said nothing and asked mom if I could go out w/ cal to relieve stress. so mom said yea til and I cut her off and said, "I'll be back by 10:30 I promise I love you mom" and left.
I spent the night with calvin
didnt come back til the next day at like.. 7am
yea... see we watched garden state at his apartment and afterwords (we were all cuddly during) afterwords he was like what do u wanna do? watch another movie or go out or something? I said I wanted to chill and listen to music. so we ended up actually spooning as a joke then it turned sexual then basically (I'll save u the vulgarity) basically we had sex but clothes were still on (not just making out it was that OTHER thing. lol) so yea HE was smiling the entire time and kept just kissing me and brushing my hair and holding my hand and behaving like we were FINALLY a we. I cant explain it did NOT feel casual AT ALL. Especially because calvin KNOWS my intimacy issues IN DETAIL he knows that I've only kissed Dorian and how far I've gone with boys all my life and that i refuse to without strings attached
so I FIGURED, that cal was being so COUPLEY with me (we didnt sleep but like 15 minutes all night from 7 pm to 7 am in his bedroom) because we'd end up dating FINALLY.
It was so perfect.
Or so I thought. See.. he hasnt called me since thursday last time I saw him was that fri. morning. WEIRD cuz normally we dont even go this long without talking. I THOUGHT WE WOULD ESPECIALLY because of the closeness that occured. like.. I am NOT imagining it we WERE being intimate about all of it HE WASNT FAKING IT haha I know this because he kept trembling of nervousness when we were just cuddling and I KNOW he doesnt do that with girls he USED to casually do. he doesnt have casual sex anymore..
anyways I AM NOT ON HIS SIDE ANYWAYS BECAUSE WHY HASNT HE CALLED ME!??!
His best friend/roomate drew WAS THERE thursday night and heard us AND KNEW what happened.. but DREW HAS CALLED AND TEXTED ME LIKE ALMOST DAILY since thursday.
in one of his last texts it says, "Cal says hey and the text u sent him was funny so anyways blah blah"
WTF? IF CAL WAS IN THE SAME ROOM AS DREW THAT MEANS HE HAD TIME TO CALL AND TALK TO ME. I AM HIS BEST FRIEND. WTF WOULD HE DO THAT WITH ME IF HE PLANNED ON HURTING ME? Its so not him.. its so not what he would do to ME.
AND amanda healey whom hasnt talked to cal in like.. MONTHS called me on sunday to tell me she just ate DINNER with calvin and his guy friends. she was like.. they were nice blah blah. (I am hurt because I ALWAYS hang with cal and the boys. but what? now that I sorta fucked him in a sense, I am NO LONGER their friend? we were inseperable .. THEY called ME all the time KNOWING I'd ignore theyd KEEP TRYING. now? only drew calls/texts and he is hitting on me ALOT. cal used to tell him he wasnt allowed to.
so I am confused did cal tell drew its ok? did cal just decide to start ignoring his bf? did he decide I am a whore he can share with his friends?
I am so mad and confused.
Like I told scarlett.
I feel like I was raped.
He took advantage of me
Knew how I felt
Didnt care what I felt like afterwords enough to call or at least treat me like a friend (he ignored my text which he NEVER does)
and DIDN'T FEEL BAD that he has done this to me. today is like... tues. he hasnt spoken w. me since fri. mornin.
I feel EMOTIONALLY raped.
seriously.. I dunno what to think right now. i am so confused that my BEST FRIEND SINCE LIKE.. I WAS 14 decided to take advantage of me and MAKE IT SEEM like it was something more than what it was to him emotionally (if he hasnt called that means he REALLY didnt feel that way)
I am so hurt/confused by my best friend.