Bodies iz Confusing
Yay, so my DragonCon room is settled, barring sudden disasters. And all my roommates want to do the Steampunk'd Babylon 5 cosplay idea with me, so I've finally started working on that costume. And I think I'll work on *just* that one before DCon.
I've cut out and notched/marked all of the pattern pieces and fabric for the 'wearable muslin' to see what needs to be tweaked, if anything. Hopefully not much. With five yards of printed cotton broadcloth I had un-earmarked for any other projects (I think I abandoned the idea before starting). I'll do the lining in the same fabric as the outside, and see what happens.
I worked on that until 8ish or 9ish on Sunday evening and then made myself stop. Maybe I'll allow myself an hour of sewing time on weekday nites, if I have that much time to spare, but only 3-4 hours on weekends. But right now THERE'S AN UNFINISHED PROJECT AT HOME AND I WANNA FINISH IT NOOOOOOW!!!! Srsly, I don't feel this way about jewelry, sewing just makes me nutz. Maybe I can break that mindset as I try to avoid burning out on it, again.
And of course, as soon as I start the project I wanna go online and buy MOAR FABRIC. No, naughty wannabe seamstress.
On the other hand, after looking thru my fabric bins I do in fact have 3 yards of slightly stretchy corduroy if I want to make a twin to the purple jacket. But no cotton to line it with. And I'm having reservations about lining the DoomCoat with shiny, unknown synthetic fabric. And the cotton broadcloth I like is on sale online. And I may not have enough interfacing for the DCon costume... Le sigh.
And have I mentioned how much I like working with cotton broadcloth? So forgiving, so less-expensive than other fabrics. At least on the cutting mat.
Between researching for my survival at DCon and chucking a large portion of my makeup collection, I've been on an anti-gluten anxious rampage for a few days. There was a lot of online research, but I was able to keep most of my Burt Bees and Body Shop products, some indie mineral eyeshadows, and other bits and pieces. Purged a ton of cheap dollar store stuff, including about 20 eye pencils which I used to use in face painting type stuff. Stuck on like cement, those pencils.
Last week I read the account of a guy with a hoarding disorder, and one of his problems was about how he could define himself without his stuff. "Who am I if I get rid of this book? It doesn't matter that I own 1-5 other copies of it!" The makeup purge felt a little bit similar. I identified a lot of the makeup with the fun I had, and the person I was, back when I wore them on a regular basis. But in a lot of cases that person was the me of 5-10 years ago, and ... not sure she lives here anymore. Also, "OMG I paid $$ for this I can't throw it away!!!" came up a few times. Yeah, I paid a dollar for it, and then never wore it. *TOSS*
Tho additionally, a lot of that makeup needed chucking even just on the basis of its age. Yikes. But now everything fits, including some weird costumy stuff I kept, between my Kaboodle (costume stuff) and my dressertop makeup box (muggle-compliant).
About the only hole I have in my makeup stash now is one good red lipstick, which I didn't actually find in the way-back-when either. Thanx to all the celiac-forum searches, I also have leads on some gf cosmetic companies, so maybe sometime this summer I'll try ordering one.
However, if I tried going soy-free again, I'd probably have to purge all the lip stuff I have left. Blegh.
What kept coming up on my searches was all the possibly-but-not-sure wheat derived ingredients in hair care products and such. I'm generally pretty good at not swallowing my shampoo, but based on how well I absorb magnesium in the bathtub, I wonder what *else* I might be absorbing. Is wheat a digestive problem only, or would I feel that much better if I got a fancy gf haircare regimen? Kielhs had a sale, so I picked up my already-gf moisturizers, but I'ma try to go a bit cheaper on hair stuff. Also, Kiehl's isn't all-gf, tho the ppl in the store were really nice and accommodating about my deglutened status.
As for DragonCon, the plan so far is to bring a batch of brownies just for me, some snacks for the plane, and hopefully the TSA won't take my can-opener from my checked suitcase. There's a CVS in the nearby mall, where I can hopefully pick up mainstream (but somewhat trustworthy) corn chip brands and canned fish. There's another mall a few subway stops away from that neighborhood, very close to the train station, with a "Publix" grocery store where I can hopefully find rice cakes, fruit, and some other stuff on Thursday afternoon. Possibly before getting on line for my con badge, since I'm buying on site that line is usually pretty quick on Thursday. And I should be getting into the hotel around noon-1pm.
I meant, its not like I go to DCon for the food. I've got some leads on celiac-friendly restaurants near con in case I can manage my one-nice-con-meal, including a steak house, but otherwise its a bit like laying out apocalypse rations. *shrugs* But based on how my private-dining plan went at Wicked, it may be really nice to either just carry my noms with me, or nip upstairs to my room to eat quickly and by myself, instead of dealing with slow waitstaff and foodcourt lines. Or just carry my dry rations + water with me. It might also end up pretty cheap in the long run. Yay, monies.
Sadly, Ima back to normal brain fog levels today. Not sure why. Maybe the starchy carbs aren't working anymore, maybe its the suddenly-storm weather going on in NYC today and tomorrow. Or b/c I accidentally got shampoo in my mouth last night, cuz I ain't perfect.
I also had hummus on Friday and Saturday, for the first time since ... September? Are chickpeas giving me hangovers now? Ugh, I hope not.
Today is begrudgingly my 2 year anniversary of "Noticing I Might Have CFS" so... um... yay? Also, I think it was early July that I had the migraine from hell that got my old doctor to send me for an MRI. Fun.
I think it was June of 2012 where I freaked out on how horrible I felt overall, and finally exclaimed 'FINE SEND IN THE FAITH HEALERS WAAAARGH.' Instead I got into acupuncture, and the needler, and then my new doctor, both recommended I try the (badly named) Paleo Diet to see if I had any food sensitivities. Which I did. And I started to feel better, tho in stops and starts, until I crashed again around January. More stops and starts, and I'm mostly sure that today I'm better than I was last June, so that's good. I'm not great, but I'm better than I was.
A lady I know just put up some blog posts reflecting on a weight loss quest she went on, and its been interesting to muddle through my feelings on these subjects. Overall, I do think our culture puts unfair pressure on ppl who are overweight, so I'm more or less in the "Love Your Body" movement camp (except where *my* body doesn't *work* right overall). But when ppl want to lose weight, from my pov its really just another form of body modification. I have no more right to comment on it as I do on whether or not they get a tattoo or a piercing. Or gender reassignment. And telling someone "OMG, you're just trying to lose weight b/c of societal pressures bla bla concern trolling" sounds a lot like gas-lighting, so not in this corner.
I don't really care about my weight right now, and it was disheartening to hear old-doctor say "Oh, you're just tired b/c you're fat" and more wtf now that I know it wasn't even that simple. And even back then, I was tired *before* the number on the scale went up :-P.
I randomly lost 10 lbs after I stopped eating gluten for two months, but new-doctor's response was "This means that wheat was doing something to you, so I recommend you continue to not eat it," rather than "Yay weight loss OMG!" And since then I think I've been fluctuating around 190-195, and my clothes all fit now so I don't really care.
I'm far more concerned with my inability to remember my college friends names, or read on the subway, or write at home, etc. I'm focused on brain fog, not body fat. If the brain fog lifts, maybe I'll work on weight? Its just not something that's ever really been a block in my brain. I didn't have a 'pretty phase' until I got to college and put on about 30 lbs, and there was nobody around to tell me that was wrong.
I had to deal with a lot of crap in high school, but the saving throw in my brain was always "These jerks will only be pretty for so long, I'll be BRILLIANT FOREVER!" Which makes my current CFS problems a far more serious psychological blow to my sense of identity. Ppl calling me 'horses ass' in middle & high school didn't make me obsessed with weight, it really caused me to just reject the whole body/beauty-centric mindset, b/c I felt it was nonsense if the jerk-squad obsessed over it. *shrugs*
But again, its all body modification to me. I also don't care about getting tattoos or extra piercings, other ppl are welcome to them. I worry when I see someone struggling with weight loss, as much as I worry about them struggling with an infected earlobe, or a degree program that doesn't gel with them. But I also don't feel I have a right to tell other ppl how to live their relationships with their body, or the world around them. I'm just not a proselytizer.
Tho I *do* think that being overweight is still demonized in our culture, and more than is actually helpful except to sell body-focused industries. If my doctor had been less "You're just fat" and more "Let me see what other doctors think about chronic fatigue" I may have hit today's slightly-better threshold a year earlier :-P. But for everyone else, be as thin or not as you like! Congrats for reaching whatever your goal is, and I'm sorry to hear about the goals you didn't meet, I'm still here for hugs either way and won't guilt you into eating whatever you don't want to.
I dunno, reading that over again makes me think I'm a bit callous and disconnected on the subject. Disconnected is definitely a typical Chrys-state, for better or worse. Especially disconnect from my own body, which did not help me work on my CFS.
Tho also b/c of that discussion online and in my head, I realized I had weeks of food tracking data written down in my notepad that I could plug into an online calorie counter to see what's up. I've been tracking food by weight, more for financial than health reasons, b/c of wanting to try and stay on a grocery budget. And also in case individual foods cause weird flareups/reactions. And to see what happened. Counting calories is just too abstract for me, and requires too much work to track and count everything via internets. For weight I just use my kitchen scale.
It looks like I've been bobbing around 1800 calories per day pretty steadily, usually with 2-2.25 lbs per day. A bit low on carbs, but fat and protein in normie ranges, and the low side of normal for fiber (but too much of that messes me up in unhappy ways). On the other hand, that was just last week, when I was reintroducing starchy corn chips. Will work on earlier data later.
Am still unsure of what was going on with last week's energy spike. If it was the starchy carbs, will that help me indefinitely, or just for a little while before I crash out again? Am I just re-contributing to a chronic/adrenal fatigue relapse? Maybe I just need something a bit easier to digest, and thus 'processed', b/c I'm still healing off years of gluten/dairy abuse on my insides, and 5oz of rice at lunch + 1oz ricecakes at dinner wasn't enough.
I think I might also take a break from acupuncture in July, just to see what happens. I felt better last week (maybe?) without a needle appointment, and I continued to feel awful from winter thru spring with regular appointments. If I hit another "OH DEAR GODS HELP ME" point I can always call them and make the earliest available appointment, having learned my lesson.
<3 Chrysilla
Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/
I've cut out and notched/marked all of the pattern pieces and fabric for the 'wearable muslin' to see what needs to be tweaked, if anything. Hopefully not much. With five yards of printed cotton broadcloth I had un-earmarked for any other projects (I think I abandoned the idea before starting). I'll do the lining in the same fabric as the outside, and see what happens.
I worked on that until 8ish or 9ish on Sunday evening and then made myself stop. Maybe I'll allow myself an hour of sewing time on weekday nites, if I have that much time to spare, but only 3-4 hours on weekends. But right now THERE'S AN UNFINISHED PROJECT AT HOME AND I WANNA FINISH IT NOOOOOOW!!!! Srsly, I don't feel this way about jewelry, sewing just makes me nutz. Maybe I can break that mindset as I try to avoid burning out on it, again.
And of course, as soon as I start the project I wanna go online and buy MOAR FABRIC. No, naughty wannabe seamstress.
On the other hand, after looking thru my fabric bins I do in fact have 3 yards of slightly stretchy corduroy if I want to make a twin to the purple jacket. But no cotton to line it with. And I'm having reservations about lining the DoomCoat with shiny, unknown synthetic fabric. And the cotton broadcloth I like is on sale online. And I may not have enough interfacing for the DCon costume... Le sigh.
And have I mentioned how much I like working with cotton broadcloth? So forgiving, so less-expensive than other fabrics. At least on the cutting mat.
Between researching for my survival at DCon and chucking a large portion of my makeup collection, I've been on an anti-gluten anxious rampage for a few days. There was a lot of online research, but I was able to keep most of my Burt Bees and Body Shop products, some indie mineral eyeshadows, and other bits and pieces. Purged a ton of cheap dollar store stuff, including about 20 eye pencils which I used to use in face painting type stuff. Stuck on like cement, those pencils.
Last week I read the account of a guy with a hoarding disorder, and one of his problems was about how he could define himself without his stuff. "Who am I if I get rid of this book? It doesn't matter that I own 1-5 other copies of it!" The makeup purge felt a little bit similar. I identified a lot of the makeup with the fun I had, and the person I was, back when I wore them on a regular basis. But in a lot of cases that person was the me of 5-10 years ago, and ... not sure she lives here anymore. Also, "OMG I paid $$ for this I can't throw it away!!!" came up a few times. Yeah, I paid a dollar for it, and then never wore it. *TOSS*
Tho additionally, a lot of that makeup needed chucking even just on the basis of its age. Yikes. But now everything fits, including some weird costumy stuff I kept, between my Kaboodle (costume stuff) and my dressertop makeup box (muggle-compliant).
About the only hole I have in my makeup stash now is one good red lipstick, which I didn't actually find in the way-back-when either. Thanx to all the celiac-forum searches, I also have leads on some gf cosmetic companies, so maybe sometime this summer I'll try ordering one.
However, if I tried going soy-free again, I'd probably have to purge all the lip stuff I have left. Blegh.
What kept coming up on my searches was all the possibly-but-not-sure wheat derived ingredients in hair care products and such. I'm generally pretty good at not swallowing my shampoo, but based on how well I absorb magnesium in the bathtub, I wonder what *else* I might be absorbing. Is wheat a digestive problem only, or would I feel that much better if I got a fancy gf haircare regimen? Kielhs had a sale, so I picked up my already-gf moisturizers, but I'ma try to go a bit cheaper on hair stuff. Also, Kiehl's isn't all-gf, tho the ppl in the store were really nice and accommodating about my deglutened status.
As for DragonCon, the plan so far is to bring a batch of brownies just for me, some snacks for the plane, and hopefully the TSA won't take my can-opener from my checked suitcase. There's a CVS in the nearby mall, where I can hopefully pick up mainstream (but somewhat trustworthy) corn chip brands and canned fish. There's another mall a few subway stops away from that neighborhood, very close to the train station, with a "Publix" grocery store where I can hopefully find rice cakes, fruit, and some other stuff on Thursday afternoon. Possibly before getting on line for my con badge, since I'm buying on site that line is usually pretty quick on Thursday. And I should be getting into the hotel around noon-1pm.
I meant, its not like I go to DCon for the food. I've got some leads on celiac-friendly restaurants near con in case I can manage my one-nice-con-meal, including a steak house, but otherwise its a bit like laying out apocalypse rations. *shrugs* But based on how my private-dining plan went at Wicked, it may be really nice to either just carry my noms with me, or nip upstairs to my room to eat quickly and by myself, instead of dealing with slow waitstaff and foodcourt lines. Or just carry my dry rations + water with me. It might also end up pretty cheap in the long run. Yay, monies.
Sadly, Ima back to normal brain fog levels today. Not sure why. Maybe the starchy carbs aren't working anymore, maybe its the suddenly-storm weather going on in NYC today and tomorrow. Or b/c I accidentally got shampoo in my mouth last night, cuz I ain't perfect.
I also had hummus on Friday and Saturday, for the first time since ... September? Are chickpeas giving me hangovers now? Ugh, I hope not.
Today is begrudgingly my 2 year anniversary of "Noticing I Might Have CFS" so... um... yay? Also, I think it was early July that I had the migraine from hell that got my old doctor to send me for an MRI. Fun.
I think it was June of 2012 where I freaked out on how horrible I felt overall, and finally exclaimed 'FINE SEND IN THE FAITH HEALERS WAAAARGH.' Instead I got into acupuncture, and the needler, and then my new doctor, both recommended I try the (badly named) Paleo Diet to see if I had any food sensitivities. Which I did. And I started to feel better, tho in stops and starts, until I crashed again around January. More stops and starts, and I'm mostly sure that today I'm better than I was last June, so that's good. I'm not great, but I'm better than I was.
A lady I know just put up some blog posts reflecting on a weight loss quest she went on, and its been interesting to muddle through my feelings on these subjects. Overall, I do think our culture puts unfair pressure on ppl who are overweight, so I'm more or less in the "Love Your Body" movement camp (except where *my* body doesn't *work* right overall). But when ppl want to lose weight, from my pov its really just another form of body modification. I have no more right to comment on it as I do on whether or not they get a tattoo or a piercing. Or gender reassignment. And telling someone "OMG, you're just trying to lose weight b/c of societal pressures bla bla concern trolling" sounds a lot like gas-lighting, so not in this corner.
I don't really care about my weight right now, and it was disheartening to hear old-doctor say "Oh, you're just tired b/c you're fat" and more wtf now that I know it wasn't even that simple. And even back then, I was tired *before* the number on the scale went up :-P.
I randomly lost 10 lbs after I stopped eating gluten for two months, but new-doctor's response was "This means that wheat was doing something to you, so I recommend you continue to not eat it," rather than "Yay weight loss OMG!" And since then I think I've been fluctuating around 190-195, and my clothes all fit now so I don't really care.
I'm far more concerned with my inability to remember my college friends names, or read on the subway, or write at home, etc. I'm focused on brain fog, not body fat. If the brain fog lifts, maybe I'll work on weight? Its just not something that's ever really been a block in my brain. I didn't have a 'pretty phase' until I got to college and put on about 30 lbs, and there was nobody around to tell me that was wrong.
I had to deal with a lot of crap in high school, but the saving throw in my brain was always "These jerks will only be pretty for so long, I'll be BRILLIANT FOREVER!" Which makes my current CFS problems a far more serious psychological blow to my sense of identity. Ppl calling me 'horses ass' in middle & high school didn't make me obsessed with weight, it really caused me to just reject the whole body/beauty-centric mindset, b/c I felt it was nonsense if the jerk-squad obsessed over it. *shrugs*
But again, its all body modification to me. I also don't care about getting tattoos or extra piercings, other ppl are welcome to them. I worry when I see someone struggling with weight loss, as much as I worry about them struggling with an infected earlobe, or a degree program that doesn't gel with them. But I also don't feel I have a right to tell other ppl how to live their relationships with their body, or the world around them. I'm just not a proselytizer.
Tho I *do* think that being overweight is still demonized in our culture, and more than is actually helpful except to sell body-focused industries. If my doctor had been less "You're just fat" and more "Let me see what other doctors think about chronic fatigue" I may have hit today's slightly-better threshold a year earlier :-P. But for everyone else, be as thin or not as you like! Congrats for reaching whatever your goal is, and I'm sorry to hear about the goals you didn't meet, I'm still here for hugs either way and won't guilt you into eating whatever you don't want to.
I dunno, reading that over again makes me think I'm a bit callous and disconnected on the subject. Disconnected is definitely a typical Chrys-state, for better or worse. Especially disconnect from my own body, which did not help me work on my CFS.
Tho also b/c of that discussion online and in my head, I realized I had weeks of food tracking data written down in my notepad that I could plug into an online calorie counter to see what's up. I've been tracking food by weight, more for financial than health reasons, b/c of wanting to try and stay on a grocery budget. And also in case individual foods cause weird flareups/reactions. And to see what happened. Counting calories is just too abstract for me, and requires too much work to track and count everything via internets. For weight I just use my kitchen scale.
It looks like I've been bobbing around 1800 calories per day pretty steadily, usually with 2-2.25 lbs per day. A bit low on carbs, but fat and protein in normie ranges, and the low side of normal for fiber (but too much of that messes me up in unhappy ways). On the other hand, that was just last week, when I was reintroducing starchy corn chips. Will work on earlier data later.
Am still unsure of what was going on with last week's energy spike. If it was the starchy carbs, will that help me indefinitely, or just for a little while before I crash out again? Am I just re-contributing to a chronic/adrenal fatigue relapse? Maybe I just need something a bit easier to digest, and thus 'processed', b/c I'm still healing off years of gluten/dairy abuse on my insides, and 5oz of rice at lunch + 1oz ricecakes at dinner wasn't enough.
I think I might also take a break from acupuncture in July, just to see what happens. I felt better last week (maybe?) without a needle appointment, and I continued to feel awful from winter thru spring with regular appointments. If I hit another "OH DEAR GODS HELP ME" point I can always call them and make the earliest available appointment, having learned my lesson.
<3 Chrysilla
Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/