Looking out from the inside.
My two Holy Clothing dresses got mailed to my office on the Friday that I was away *headdesk*. Tried them on last night, and they are almost too big. *more headdesk* But this material tends to shrink in the wash, like the other HC dresses I have. And they both look awesome with the new waist cincher. All long full skirts in light fabrics with long flowy bell sleeves. Yay! Tho after finding out I've gained 10 lbs this winter, having dresses be too big for me (and XL is the second smallest size they usually offer) is a weird brain wobble.
Today there are some bloggins about body image and such:
Dear Fat Nutritionist - You’re pretty good looking (for a girl.)
CMV: Confessions of a Fat Girl.
Similar thoughts have been rolling around my head for the last half year or so.
I'm not sure why, and I'm trying to rewire these think-patterns, but I tend to equate beauty with having a mate/luvlife of some sort. Was very weird when I realized this about my brain. Srsly brain? When did this happen?
In high school I was such a social pariah that body image issues were just the tip of the iceberg. I didn't feel at all attractive until my first year at college, and b/c of high school I never really felt *thin* (girls f'ed with me for weighing 130 lbs, tho in truth I was 5'7" and they were all 5'1" in 6" heels :-P). I had boyfriends and fun hippiegoth clothes. I played seductive vampire characters every weekend. And that feeling persisted despite leaving college and the larp scene. NY Jedi had no bad effect on my body image, nor did going out clubbing or to literary events. No bf, no problem, tho I was fairly often cast off for thinner women. I've always been self conscious about my weight, but I've been loved while bigger and smaller, and my appeal doesn't seem to change after sudden and mysterious weight loss.
Unfortunately, my self image totally fell apart on that when I joined the improv scene about a year ago, and saw how much wider I was in show pictures compared to the other girls in class. Quite a shock. I had no idea what to do, except that I should dress to hide or distract from my 44 inch hips.
Over the summer, as I was surrounded by pretty actor types on the improv scene, I started trying REALLY hard to be conventionally attractive. I didn't do such a great job, but I tried. Partially to attract the males of that species, because somehow that would validate me (WTF was that, brain?). There are a lot of professionally image conscious (and image-selfconscious) people on that scene and it may be contagious.
Luckily my interest in those dudes eventually dwindled as I came out as Straight Edge. All the smoking & public boozing is super unattractive, and there is a ton of that going on :-/. Furthermore, I am most prized for my brain, and its hard to have your brain appreciated by people who has teh drunk. I've often tried to analyze that scene, because its there and its different (to me). It seems like the ladies who make it in finding a mate on that scene tend to be thinner than me. On the other hand, improv ladies of ALL shapes and sizes have been jerked around by improv dudes. Ladies, I don't think we're the ones with the problem ;-)
In retrospect I think the heat melted my braincells last summer. I randomly developed a whole lot of unhealthy ideas until I got back on track in September. Slowly but surely, I've stopped trying to be "pretty" all together, usually ditching makeup unless I'm going to be on a stage. A combo of laziness + protest (boys don't have to wear makeup, FU!). I'm starting to pull out my nicer clothes now that spring is around the corner, but I think I'm going back to doing things *my way* for my own pleasure. (Hence HC and waist cinchers, huzzah.)
By sharp contrast, last weekend was Wicked Faire (proper report... later?). Sure, there was a large number of skinny pixie girls with hula hoops and glitter getting chased by skinny boys with whips and cat ears. Its Wicked Faire. However, I noticed lots of positive "Hey there!" attention for women and men of all shapes and sizes and ages. Not to mention many couples of all demographics. I didn't *click* with anyone this year (I was very disoriented for other reasons), but I didn't feel overlooked or marginalized for being a size 16+ and/or not wearing a D-cup.
I've certainly been jerked around by nerd boys in the past, and (based on the presence of sex + alcohol + statistics) I'm sure not all of the attention paid at WF was positive. But I still wish that more-accepting outlook at Wicked was more universal, or at least found its way into the other scenes I frequent.
There was also a point about clothes & makeup that hps_sterling first imprinted on me, that I have also heard from others. I don't remember if it was something she said directly or just osmosis/inspiration from rooming with her for a train-sister's wedding. Personal presentation is a part of one's personal aura, armor, and mystique. It is a powerful tool with many applications, on others and yourself.
On the other hand, the media has twisted this tool to their own use, to keep us feeling anxious and unhappy. It is my opinion that someone always profits from worried and unhappy people, so they make sure people stay sad about things. Hello glamor mags! Hey ladies! If you don't look like this, come buy my weight loss products and magic makeup and snake oil!
A friend on the improv scene has offered to help me learn about the tools of clothes and makeup, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them if I get the hang of it. I don't really want to be pretty anymore. I'd rather be AWESOME :-)
<3 Chrysilla
Today there are some bloggins about body image and such:
Dear Fat Nutritionist - You’re pretty good looking (for a girl.)
CMV: Confessions of a Fat Girl.
Similar thoughts have been rolling around my head for the last half year or so.
I'm not sure why, and I'm trying to rewire these think-patterns, but I tend to equate beauty with having a mate/luvlife of some sort. Was very weird when I realized this about my brain. Srsly brain? When did this happen?
In high school I was such a social pariah that body image issues were just the tip of the iceberg. I didn't feel at all attractive until my first year at college, and b/c of high school I never really felt *thin* (girls f'ed with me for weighing 130 lbs, tho in truth I was 5'7" and they were all 5'1" in 6" heels :-P). I had boyfriends and fun hippiegoth clothes. I played seductive vampire characters every weekend. And that feeling persisted despite leaving college and the larp scene. NY Jedi had no bad effect on my body image, nor did going out clubbing or to literary events. No bf, no problem, tho I was fairly often cast off for thinner women. I've always been self conscious about my weight, but I've been loved while bigger and smaller, and my appeal doesn't seem to change after sudden and mysterious weight loss.
Unfortunately, my self image totally fell apart on that when I joined the improv scene about a year ago, and saw how much wider I was in show pictures compared to the other girls in class. Quite a shock. I had no idea what to do, except that I should dress to hide or distract from my 44 inch hips.
Over the summer, as I was surrounded by pretty actor types on the improv scene, I started trying REALLY hard to be conventionally attractive. I didn't do such a great job, but I tried. Partially to attract the males of that species, because somehow that would validate me (WTF was that, brain?). There are a lot of professionally image conscious (and image-selfconscious) people on that scene and it may be contagious.
Luckily my interest in those dudes eventually dwindled as I came out as Straight Edge. All the smoking & public boozing is super unattractive, and there is a ton of that going on :-/. Furthermore, I am most prized for my brain, and its hard to have your brain appreciated by people who has teh drunk. I've often tried to analyze that scene, because its there and its different (to me). It seems like the ladies who make it in finding a mate on that scene tend to be thinner than me. On the other hand, improv ladies of ALL shapes and sizes have been jerked around by improv dudes. Ladies, I don't think we're the ones with the problem ;-)
In retrospect I think the heat melted my braincells last summer. I randomly developed a whole lot of unhealthy ideas until I got back on track in September. Slowly but surely, I've stopped trying to be "pretty" all together, usually ditching makeup unless I'm going to be on a stage. A combo of laziness + protest (boys don't have to wear makeup, FU!). I'm starting to pull out my nicer clothes now that spring is around the corner, but I think I'm going back to doing things *my way* for my own pleasure. (Hence HC and waist cinchers, huzzah.)
By sharp contrast, last weekend was Wicked Faire (proper report... later?). Sure, there was a large number of skinny pixie girls with hula hoops and glitter getting chased by skinny boys with whips and cat ears. Its Wicked Faire. However, I noticed lots of positive "Hey there!" attention for women and men of all shapes and sizes and ages. Not to mention many couples of all demographics. I didn't *click* with anyone this year (I was very disoriented for other reasons), but I didn't feel overlooked or marginalized for being a size 16+ and/or not wearing a D-cup.
I've certainly been jerked around by nerd boys in the past, and (based on the presence of sex + alcohol + statistics) I'm sure not all of the attention paid at WF was positive. But I still wish that more-accepting outlook at Wicked was more universal, or at least found its way into the other scenes I frequent.
There was also a point about clothes & makeup that hps_sterling first imprinted on me, that I have also heard from others. I don't remember if it was something she said directly or just osmosis/inspiration from rooming with her for a train-sister's wedding. Personal presentation is a part of one's personal aura, armor, and mystique. It is a powerful tool with many applications, on others and yourself.
On the other hand, the media has twisted this tool to their own use, to keep us feeling anxious and unhappy. It is my opinion that someone always profits from worried and unhappy people, so they make sure people stay sad about things. Hello glamor mags! Hey ladies! If you don't look like this, come buy my weight loss products and magic makeup and snake oil!
A friend on the improv scene has offered to help me learn about the tools of clothes and makeup, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them if I get the hang of it. I don't really want to be pretty anymore. I'd rather be AWESOME :-)
<3 Chrysilla