Moving Toward the Sun
It's raining gently here -- a lovely change from the brutal heat of the past few days. I was happy to not have a hood or umbrella coming back from lunch, just taking in the feel of the rain on my skin.
As I walked, I felt like I was newly in the world again, newly open -- and I felt a sudden twinge of guilt and resistance.
Survivor's guilt is a tough thing. No matter how many times I come back to the intellectual knowledge that it's okay for me to heal -- that it's *necessary* for me to heal -- there is still something that feels wrong, feels traitorous, about it. Taking this latest step in coming back to life I have that feeling of treason more intensely than ever -- because I'm taking a much bigger, more conscious step than before.
During most of the past year the grieving/healing process has been slow and gradual. In contrast, I've processed a lot of ground over the past couple of days: first acknowledging a deeper grief than I'd been consciously in touch with and then consciously striving toward the upper world again.
Just walking half a block in the rain today I felt almost Persephone-like. Did she feel guilty, feel like a traitor to her husband, when she breathed fresh air again, felt the sunlight and rain again, and rejoiced? I wouldn't be surprised.
It's another stretch of both/and for me: learning to enjoy living again *and* loving and being in relationship with my husband in the otherworld.
As I walked, I felt like I was newly in the world again, newly open -- and I felt a sudden twinge of guilt and resistance.
Survivor's guilt is a tough thing. No matter how many times I come back to the intellectual knowledge that it's okay for me to heal -- that it's *necessary* for me to heal -- there is still something that feels wrong, feels traitorous, about it. Taking this latest step in coming back to life I have that feeling of treason more intensely than ever -- because I'm taking a much bigger, more conscious step than before.
During most of the past year the grieving/healing process has been slow and gradual. In contrast, I've processed a lot of ground over the past couple of days: first acknowledging a deeper grief than I'd been consciously in touch with and then consciously striving toward the upper world again.
Just walking half a block in the rain today I felt almost Persephone-like. Did she feel guilty, feel like a traitor to her husband, when she breathed fresh air again, felt the sunlight and rain again, and rejoiced? I wouldn't be surprised.
It's another stretch of both/and for me: learning to enjoy living again *and* loving and being in relationship with my husband in the otherworld.