[YnM] Courage
Title: Courage
Day/Theme: 1st August, "Be indomitable, o my heart."
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Character/Pairing: Hisoka/Tsuzuki
Rating: PG
Notes: Written for 31_days. Stream of consciousness piece, part of a larger story I may write one day.
If I didn't know how much I want this, and how much he wants this, I think-- I think it would be easier. Better. If I could pretend that I'm offering all this for his sake, that I let him touch me despite myself.
I'd die if you weren't here, Hisoka. He doesn't need to say it -- and he doesn't, but I hear him anyway because it's not enough that I have his life in my hands, I have to taste his gratitude on my tongue and his love on my love and I don't know what I want him and me to be anymore.
Tsuzuki's skin is hot under the Adam's apple on his neck, above the hollows of his collarbones. I touch him with my fingertips and draw back -- will I be burned? I don't want to hurt again, you idiot. Stop looking at me like that. I don't hate you. No, it's not you. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up it's not.
If Tsuzuki is a monster, then what am I? I'm an empath with no sense of empathy for anyone. Even him, as much I understand him. I understand that I'm never to tell him that sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have been partnered to someone else, because he can't understand that it doesn't mean I want to. I understand he wants me, and I understand "want" is too small to contain the multitudes of desires. I understand Tsuzuki is not as broken as Tatsumi thinks he is, but the one thing that will heal Tsuzuki will also wipe him clean of everything he is.
I don't know how to do this. I asked him to live for me but I don't know how to be-- how to be-- here. What the hell do I know about living? Normal people aren't raped and cursed when they're thirteen. Normal people don't die, then face demonic beings and their rapist. Normal people hold out umbrellas for their partners under the rain. I'd throw it at Tsuzuki's head and tell him to stop being an idiot, because that's what he needs and because I can't be anything else.
Hey, Tsuzuki. Can this be enough, right now?
Day/Theme: 1st August, "Be indomitable, o my heart."
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Character/Pairing: Hisoka/Tsuzuki
Rating: PG
Notes: Written for 31_days. Stream of consciousness piece, part of a larger story I may write one day.
If I didn't know how much I want this, and how much he wants this, I think-- I think it would be easier. Better. If I could pretend that I'm offering all this for his sake, that I let him touch me despite myself.
I'd die if you weren't here, Hisoka. He doesn't need to say it -- and he doesn't, but I hear him anyway because it's not enough that I have his life in my hands, I have to taste his gratitude on my tongue and his love on my love and I don't know what I want him and me to be anymore.
Tsuzuki's skin is hot under the Adam's apple on his neck, above the hollows of his collarbones. I touch him with my fingertips and draw back -- will I be burned? I don't want to hurt again, you idiot. Stop looking at me like that. I don't hate you. No, it's not you. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up it's not.
If Tsuzuki is a monster, then what am I? I'm an empath with no sense of empathy for anyone. Even him, as much I understand him. I understand that I'm never to tell him that sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have been partnered to someone else, because he can't understand that it doesn't mean I want to. I understand he wants me, and I understand "want" is too small to contain the multitudes of desires. I understand Tsuzuki is not as broken as Tatsumi thinks he is, but the one thing that will heal Tsuzuki will also wipe him clean of everything he is.
I don't know how to do this. I asked him to live for me but I don't know how to be-- how to be-- here. What the hell do I know about living? Normal people aren't raped and cursed when they're thirteen. Normal people don't die, then face demonic beings and their rapist. Normal people hold out umbrellas for their partners under the rain. I'd throw it at Tsuzuki's head and tell him to stop being an idiot, because that's what he needs and because I can't be anything else.
Hey, Tsuzuki. Can this be enough, right now?