The Intrinsic Happiness Quotient (3/?)
THREE: THE COMMUNICATION CONCUPISCENCE
At first Penny emailed Sheldon updates on her life but it was so much better to talk to him instead, that their midnight conversations became somewhat of a routine. She spoke to him for at least half an hour every other night, and for some absurd reason, they never ran out of things to say. They spoke of Star Trek and Star Wars (which Sheldon had convinced her to watch so that she would know her characters when they next played Twenty Questions), her acting workshops and the trials and tribulations at the Cheesecake Factory (in which he now feigned polite interest), his research (which she valiantly tried but failed to understand in spite of help from Wikipedia), and the classic pranks he continued to pull on the guys (in which she now sometimes participated in - bazinga!). But mostly they argued - or as Sheldon called it, heatedly quibbled - over anything and everything.
The five months he was away suddenly seemed to fly by.
****
“Sheldon!”
“Hello, Penny.”
“Sheldon - are you insane? What the hell are you trying to do - run my life from a million miles away?”
“I merely proposed a methodology that would see you debt-free by the time I return home. I’m confused - how is that wrong?”
“Sheldon, honey - I can’t accept your offer to bail me out.”
“Why not? If the government can issue bailouts to flailing businesses, why can’t I do the same for a friend in fiscal distress?”
“It’s a lot of money, Sheldon.”
“I know - and I fully expect to be paid back - according to the timeline detailed in my email to you. Your credit cards alone - based on the consolidated amounts you stated in your email - will keep you indebted for a significant period of your life with those exorbitant interest rates. It would be fiscally irresponsible for you not to accept my offer.”
“At least let me pay you back with interest.”
“Do you know that in Islamic cultures, giving or taking of interest is considered sinful? I’ve always thought that an admirable premise; that’s why I keep my money at home or in my small savings account. I may even be persuaded to make smart, stable investments, but usury is both morally reprehensible and inhumane...”
“You don’t like the idea of interest - I got it.”
“Then you will do it?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Yes, it’s only prudent that you consider all your options carefully. Oh wait - you don’t have any other options.”
“Shel-don!”
“Yes, Penny?”
“I’ll do it.”
“Excellent.”
“Thank you, Sheldon. I can’t say that enough.”
“You’re welcome. Further expressions of gratitude are unnecessary.”
“Aww, sweetie, if you weren’t so Sheldon all the time, you’d be kinda perfect.”
“How could I be... un-Sheldon? I am Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper. PhD. I don’t know how to be anyone else. You, on the other hand have been very un-Penny recently. But I think you’re back now. Yes. Definitely. I can see it. You look more like the Penny I know today.”
“As opposed to the Penny you don’t know?”
“I concede that there are things about you that I don’t know, but that’s just because I don’t care to.”
“Wow.”
“Er... which does not necessarily mean I don’t care about you per se...”
“Sheldon, you should stop talking now.”
“Understood.”
“So, same time tomorrow? I could give you an update on my fiscal distress.”
“That would be acceptable. Will I be required to make banal chitchat?”
“That would be weird. How about we wing it?”
“I would much prefer a premeditated conversational format. Perhaps you should email me a list of pre-approved topics so that I may be better prepared to pow-wow.”
“Oh, Sheldon, honey, I love you but...”
“Whack-a-doodle?”
“Whack-a-doodle.”
**
"Sheldon - I know you live to organize my life..."
"That is because you exist in perpetual chaos, Penny."
"Maybe a little chaos is good for the soul."
"That's debatable; it's certainly not doing anything for your bank account. Not to mention your acting career - or lack thereof. Did you just snarl at me?"
“Just be happy you’re nowhere near me right now. Oh, I keep meaning to ask you - how did you find out about this acting workshop?"
"I utilized a commonly held conception that one can Google almost anything. I'm surprised you did not try it."
"I did try it Sheldon. It's just that I couldn't afford fancy schmancy classes."
"A point in favour of my plan to manage your life, is it not?"
"Organize my life, Sheldon - not manage it. I think I'm quite capable of doing that myself."
"Yes, and you've done such a bang up job so far. That was sarcasm."
"Don't make me go junior rodeo on your ass, moonpie."
**
"Well, how did it go?"
"Oh my God, Sheldon - it was great! I went to three different workshops so far and believe me, I've learnt way more than all my other acting classes combined."
"Excellent. I have often doubted the validity of those acting classes you've mentioned in the past. Clearly casting directors could also discern no improvement in your thespian abilities - hence the lack of call-backs, as you previously mentioned."
"Is that your way of implying that I suck as an actress?"
"If sucking can be equated to not getting call-backs, then perhaps. Unless, of course it was because you were too Midwest for those parts, you know, because of your characteristic Scandinavian and Germanic bone structure... Penny, why is your eye twitching!?”
**
“You know who called me today? Kurt! Can you believe it?”
“Well, you’ve just stated it - I presume you’re telling the truth as I have no reason to believe you would invent an incident like that Neanderthal you call an ex-boyfriend calling you out of the proverbial blue.”
“Huh?”
“No - I don’t believe it!”
“I know, right? And he wants to meet up for coffee because his girlfriend broke up with him! As if I didn’t know what he really wanted!”
“Commiseration?”
“Pity sex!”
“And I wonder why social interactions continue to confound me.”
“So I went to see him.”
“Good Lord - why?”
“Because - I don’t know. I had to. I went and I listened and I watched as he tried to put his smarmy moves on me. And you know what, Sheldon?”
“What?”
“I poured my frappaccino on his stupid, big, jerk-off head!”
“I see. So no pity sex?”
“No! I’m so over him.”
“Coitus of any other kind, then?”
“Sheldon! No!”
“Oh. Good.”
“I mean, he treated me like an idiot. I was an idiot to stick with him for so long.”
“Your past folly could be blamed on naiveté and hormones - that’s not idiocy. You deserve much better. Which reminds me - how is your relationship with Leonard progressing?”
“Er... it’s kind of not.”
“Oh.”
“I told Leonard it’s best if we stayed friends, for good this time. I just don’t have those kinds of feelings for him, you know?”
“No, I don’t know.”
“Passion, Sheldon! There’s no passion in my relationship with Leonard. I just like being with him as a friend - he’s a sweet guy, great to talk to or hang out with or play Halo with, but that’s it. Sometimes I wish I could feel more for him but forcing it, without really meaning it, isn’t fair to him.”
“I see. A similar situation arose in Leonard’s relationship with Dr. Stephanie, if I’m not mistaken. Is passion an important part of a relationship paradigm for you?”
“Definitely. And love - love’s the most important thing.”
“And coitus?”
“Sheldon, will you stop calling it that? And, no - I mean - yes, sex is an important part of the relationship equation, but it’s not the only part - you know? I think it’s part of the reason I haven’t been happy lately. I need more...”
“Is that also why you declined to comment on whether or not you are able to stay emotionally detached in a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario?”
“Er... yeah. I don’t think I could do that anymore - just hook-up, I mean. It’s like a bad habit, and I’m quitting cold turkey. I don’t know - I feel I’m missing something important - I just can’t put my finger on it.”
“I see. Do you perhaps seek a more permanent, lasting liaison?”
“You know what? I think I do.”
“Like marriage?”
“What?! No! Well... yes - eventually, but not now. But... you know, soon. Eventually.”
“In other words: tick-tock goes your biological clock.”
“Sheldon, don’t be ridiculous! I’m too young to be thinking about babies!”
“Not necessarily, Penny. It’s all hormonal really...”
“Sheldon, that is the second time you’ve mentioned ‘hormones’ and I swear, if you bring up my cycle again, I’m hanging up!”
**
"Guess what?"
"If I start that - I’ll never get any work done today."
"Yeah, so, in one of my workshops, we act out scenes from current movies, and in today’s workshop, we did scenes from Star Trek."
"Indeed? Which character did you portray?"
"Uhura! My favourite! Well, after Spock, of course.”
“Of course. Spock rules.”
“We picked key scenes - I loved doing the scene with Spock in the elevator thingy."
"Your eloquence is frightening. It's called a turbolift."
"Whatever. There was this agent there who gave me her card and asked me to come see her next week! She said she had heard of a casting call for a new pilot and she thought I might be a good fit. Can you believe that?"
"Her name?"
"Angela Carstairs. I Googled her - she seems legit."
"I shall be the judge of that. Do not meet her until you hear from me."
"Yes, master."
“Sarcasm?”
“Ya think?!”
"I think that is an acceptable form of address."
"Dream on, Shelly."
"I forbid you to call me that."
"You forbid me? You think that's a good idea, sweetie?"
"My mother calls me that."
"All right, moonpie - no more Shelly."
“Only my Meemaw calls me that.”
“Well, now it’s your Meemaw and me, nummy-nummy.”
"That scene from the movie involved a brief... er..."
"A brief... what?"
"An osculation, a brief buss if you will, as Uhura consoled Spock following the destruction of Vulcan."
"Buses? I don't get it."
"Not a vehicular mode of mass transportation, a... kiss."
"Wasn't that a much easier word to use?"
"Unlike some people, I possess a working knowledge of the wide and varied English vocabulary."
"What was the question again?"
"Did you kiss the actor playing Spock?"
"Oh - yeah."
"Oh. Good. Keepin' it real."
**
“Would you do me a favour, Penny and call my mother? She doesn’t believe me when I tell her that all is well here and that I still keep in constant touch with the outside world - that means you. I talk to Leonard and Howard less frequently. You still have her number, I presume?”
“On speed dial.”
“Very well then.”
“Aww, sweetie, she worries because she loves you - and who can blame her?”
“Yes. It is unavoidable.”
“You’re adorable, Sheldon.”
"So I’ve been told. Mostly by female grad students. By the way, I checked and the Carstairs Agency does indeed seem to be a legitimate enterprise, and has represented several actors - mostly in television. A small proportion of those actors have gone on to small, but adequate movie careers."
"How did you find that out?"
"Google."
"Gee - now why didn’t I think of that?"
“Sarcasm?”
“Oh, you’re getting good at that.”
"Indeed. However, I also conducted a background check, just to be sure."
"What? How did you do that?"
"I have my ways. It's best if you do not pry any further. It's called plausible deniability."
**
“What up, moonpie?”
"I’m up, and frankly, I should be in bed.”
“But you’re not - ‘cause talking to me is more fun than sleeping.”
“If you say so.”
“Admit it, Sheldon - you miss me.”
“Sooo - how did it go with Ms. Carstairs?"
"Angie. She got me a couple of auditions, Sheldon! One for that pilot I was telling you about and another for a commercial - for a cereal."
"Do you know which one?"
"Honey Puffs."
"Oh! I eat that cereal. It has an adequate fibre content and the taste is satisfactory.”
“I know - I’ve stolen some in the past when I ran out of cereal.”
“So you’re the cereal bandit. You were my prime suspect after the milk heist.”
“I promise - if they offer me free cereal, I will give it all to you.”
"An acceptable exchange. Do you know what the pilot is for?"
"Some sci-fi show. It was the trekkie scenes we did at the workshop that day that made her talk to me in the first place."
"Some sci-fi show? Can you not be more specific?"
"All she could tell me is that it's loosely based on something called Red Dwarf - whatever that means."
"Great Caesar’s Ghost! Red Dwarf is a classic British Broadcasting Corporation television situation comedy franchise, that aired between 1988 and 1999 and gained a quite the cult following. It is set aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf, and centres primarily on the interaction of the ship's technician, a hologram of his supervisor and bunkmate - who, incidentally, is dead - a humanoid cat, and a robot. Alternately, a red dwarf is a small star between 7 and 60 percent as massive as our sun, and so does not burn as hot or as brightly, emitting less than 5 percent as much light as the sun. About three quarters of the stars in the galaxy are red dwarfs, but planet searches have typically passed over them because they were thought to be unfriendly to potential life forms. But I am guessing she meant the former."
"No shit, Sherlock."
**
"I got the commercial, Sheldon. A paying gig! And guess what - it's like a series of commercials, so I have to do two more."
"Excellent, Penny. Felicitations."
"Feliz navidad to you too, Sheldon. Feliz navidad, baby!"
**
“Are you getting along with everyone at the research station there, Sheldon?”
“Of course; as the team leader, it behooves me to cultivate positive relations with my fellow researchers.”
“Yes, but are you playing nice?”
“Funny - my mother asked me the same, exact question.”
“What did you tell her?”
“That I have not recently tried to make any death rays.”
“Thank the Good Lord for that.”
“Again, an identical response to my mother! Fascinating.”
“How’s it going with Raj?”
“We have achieved a significantly improved working relationship, in addition to our existing friendship. It may interest you to know that he is even able to speak in monosyllables to the attractive female physicist who joined our team in the wake of Leonard and Howard’s departure.”
“Wow - finally, some progress - whaaaat? What attractive female physicist? You think she’s attractive?”
“I meant she was attractive in the context of Raj not being able to speak to her. However, as intelligent as she is, she has devised a psychotherapeutic means to help him overcome his affliction of selective mutism. She’s very savvy, not in my league intellectually, of course, but then again, no one is.”
“Wait. Do you think she’s attractive in the context of you potentially being attracted to her?”
“Penny, Penny, Penny. I refuse to dignify that with a response.”
“SHELDON!”
“No! She’s pretty, I suppose, but that is of no concern to me, and she’s certainly not as pretty as you. Er..., I have to go now. I believe I hear Raj calling. Good-bye, Penny.”
“What the frack?”
**
“Why so glum, ol’ chum?”
“I didn’t get the pilot, Sheldon.”
“I’m sorry, Penny. I know how much you were looking forward to that.”
“Yeah - it would have meant a steady acting job.”
“No sense in wallowing in self-pity. Onwards to greener pastures.”
“I’m trying to stay optimistic too. Angie already has another audition lined up - maybe even two more.”
“Excellent. Have you made any progress on your screenplay?”
“What screenplay?”
“The one you told us you were writing when you first moved in - the one about the girl who moves to California and is a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory but isn’t a story based on your life?”
“Oh. That one.”
“Yes, perhaps it is time to resurrect it and tinker with it. I’d be happy to read and critique it for you.”
“And that’s exactly why I’m not writing it, Sheldon.”
**
“S’uuup, Penny. You called and here I am - a day earlier than usual. My entire schedule has been rearranged for this impromptu chat, so you better have a good reason.”
“I got the pilot, Sheldon! I GOT THE PILOT!”
“That is a good reason. Congratulations, Penny! What changed?”
“Apparently, the audience at the test screening didn’t like the original actress and they re-tooled the character and called me!”
“Well, rest assured that if they do a test screening again, the audience will not have a similar complaint. I would think it impossible not to like you.”
“Aww, Sheldon - you say the sweetest things sometimes. No wonder the female grad students fall all over you.”
“Yes, I’m a veritable playa.”
**
"Hey - I found out what the Red Dwarf pilot thingy is all about. I got the script yesterday."
"Enlighten me."
"It's not exactly based on that show - I watched a couple of episodes online before I went to the audition. It's a half-hour sitcom about four people - 3 guys, 1 girl - that would be me - on this spaceship who go around repairing other ships that are stranded or in trouble. Kind of like a space tow-truck. I'm the driver."
"Well, then I suggest you keep an eye on your 'Check Engine' light."
"Bazinga?"
"Penny! That's my punchline!"
"Sorry, sweetie. Aww - quit pouting, Sheldon!"
"What's the name of your ship?"
"The Tachyon."
“Oooh... a tachyon is a hypothetical elementary particle that travels faster than the speed of light. It has relevance in not only quantum field theory but also in string theory.”
"Bosonic string theory more so than superstring theory, though - wouldn't you agree?"
"Yes, I concur, altho... Whaaaat?"
"Bazinga."
**
"There was a re-write last night, which is why I couldn't make our chat. I had to rehearse again - sorry, sweetie."
"You sent me a message; I was not kept waiting, and I was able to get ahead with my data analysis."
"How is your magnetic monopole research going?"
"It's promising but dependent on a thorough evaluation of our data if I'm to make any headway into proving string theory."
“I don’t get it. What do magnets at the North Pole have to do with your balls of string?”
“Magnets exert forces on one another, and they each have poles - a north pole and a south pole. Like poles repel each other while unlike poles will attract.”
“Oh - like when people say opposites attract even though they are poles apart.”
“Indeed - if magnets are personified in such a manner as to explain human attraction.”
“It’s probably why I love you, Sheldon - even when there’s nothing I’d like better than to strangle you.”
“Er... ditto.”
“I still don’t get what that has to do with your stringy stuff.”
“Imagine a magnet cut in half numerous times - each resulting piece will have two poles and so on and so forth until you are left with tiny magnetic monopoles. If you take gravity into account, the monopole singularity can be considered a black hole. However, since black holes are not infinite, according to string theory, the smallest possible monopoles have a finite mass. I seek to prove this hypothesis.”
“Holy ravioli, Sheldon! I lost you at ‘ditto’”
"That’s all right, Penny. I certainly don’t expect you to understand - even Gablehauser has difficulties grasping the finer points of particle physics. Suffice it to say that my work here involves proving a small aspect of the big picture. I doubt we'll make any significant breakthroughs here, although I remain optimistic."
"If anyone can do it, Sheldon Cooper - it's you."
"Fo-shizzle.”
**
“I have just finalized our itineraries.”
“For your trip home? Oh my God, Sheldon - I can’t wait!”
“Yes, it will be nice to return home. Jordan, Raj and I will travel to Los Angeles together.”
“Jordan, the pretty physicist?”
“Yes.”
“The one you were attracted to? The hot science chick?”
"I believe I described her as intelligent and attractive. And, no."
“So - she lives in LA, huh?”
“No - she works at Stanford. But Raj and I have invited her to give a seminar at Caltech and she will be staying here for a week, maybe two.”
“Oh.”
“How did the filming of the pilot go? Does the series have a name yet?”
“The filming went great. The cast and crew are really nice. I think the show’s going to be called Black Hole - kind of a play on Red Dwarf. So where’s she going to stay? Jordan, I mean?”
“Caltech provides accommodations for visiting scientists. I like that - Black Hole. It sounds like something I would watch, and at least they didn’t call it Black Hobbit. Get it? Red Dwarf - Black Hobbit?”
“Oh, Sheldon. I love it when you laugh. So will Jordan be hanging out with you... er... guys?”
“Probably. Our social interactions over recent months have gelled into what can be termed a friendly camaraderie.”
“So, you’re friends now?”
“Yes, I decided to grant her temporary admission into my social circle. Both Raj and I consider her a gifted scientist and a decent human being.”
“And this wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that she’s smokin’ hot?”
“I refuse to comment on that.”
“Fine. Whatever. It doesn’t really matter.”
“Okay.”
“All right, then.”
“Our ETA at the apartment is 1:30 a.m. next Thursday.”
“Wow - that soon? I can’t believe I get to talk to you in person from now on. Next week, you’ll be back, knocking on my door. I’ve missed you knocking on my door.”
“Well, suffice it to say that I most certainly will not be doing that upon my return - it’ll be much too late, and far too close to my bedtime.”
"Then I'll put my alarm on and meet you in the hallway. I can’t wait to give you a big hug! And you know what, Sheldon?"
“What, Penny?”
“Social convention dictates that you hug me back.”
**
At first Penny emailed Sheldon updates on her life but it was so much better to talk to him instead, that their midnight conversations became somewhat of a routine. She spoke to him for at least half an hour every other night, and for some absurd reason, they never ran out of things to say. They spoke of Star Trek and Star Wars (which Sheldon had convinced her to watch so that she would know her characters when they next played Twenty Questions), her acting workshops and the trials and tribulations at the Cheesecake Factory (in which he now feigned polite interest), his research (which she valiantly tried but failed to understand in spite of help from Wikipedia), and the classic pranks he continued to pull on the guys (in which she now sometimes participated in - bazinga!). But mostly they argued - or as Sheldon called it, heatedly quibbled - over anything and everything.
The five months he was away suddenly seemed to fly by.
****
“Sheldon!”
“Hello, Penny.”
“Sheldon - are you insane? What the hell are you trying to do - run my life from a million miles away?”
“I merely proposed a methodology that would see you debt-free by the time I return home. I’m confused - how is that wrong?”
“Sheldon, honey - I can’t accept your offer to bail me out.”
“Why not? If the government can issue bailouts to flailing businesses, why can’t I do the same for a friend in fiscal distress?”
“It’s a lot of money, Sheldon.”
“I know - and I fully expect to be paid back - according to the timeline detailed in my email to you. Your credit cards alone - based on the consolidated amounts you stated in your email - will keep you indebted for a significant period of your life with those exorbitant interest rates. It would be fiscally irresponsible for you not to accept my offer.”
“At least let me pay you back with interest.”
“Do you know that in Islamic cultures, giving or taking of interest is considered sinful? I’ve always thought that an admirable premise; that’s why I keep my money at home or in my small savings account. I may even be persuaded to make smart, stable investments, but usury is both morally reprehensible and inhumane...”
“You don’t like the idea of interest - I got it.”
“Then you will do it?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Yes, it’s only prudent that you consider all your options carefully. Oh wait - you don’t have any other options.”
“Shel-don!”
“Yes, Penny?”
“I’ll do it.”
“Excellent.”
“Thank you, Sheldon. I can’t say that enough.”
“You’re welcome. Further expressions of gratitude are unnecessary.”
“Aww, sweetie, if you weren’t so Sheldon all the time, you’d be kinda perfect.”
“How could I be... un-Sheldon? I am Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper. PhD. I don’t know how to be anyone else. You, on the other hand have been very un-Penny recently. But I think you’re back now. Yes. Definitely. I can see it. You look more like the Penny I know today.”
“As opposed to the Penny you don’t know?”
“I concede that there are things about you that I don’t know, but that’s just because I don’t care to.”
“Wow.”
“Er... which does not necessarily mean I don’t care about you per se...”
“Sheldon, you should stop talking now.”
“Understood.”
“So, same time tomorrow? I could give you an update on my fiscal distress.”
“That would be acceptable. Will I be required to make banal chitchat?”
“That would be weird. How about we wing it?”
“I would much prefer a premeditated conversational format. Perhaps you should email me a list of pre-approved topics so that I may be better prepared to pow-wow.”
“Oh, Sheldon, honey, I love you but...”
“Whack-a-doodle?”
“Whack-a-doodle.”
**
"Sheldon - I know you live to organize my life..."
"That is because you exist in perpetual chaos, Penny."
"Maybe a little chaos is good for the soul."
"That's debatable; it's certainly not doing anything for your bank account. Not to mention your acting career - or lack thereof. Did you just snarl at me?"
“Just be happy you’re nowhere near me right now. Oh, I keep meaning to ask you - how did you find out about this acting workshop?"
"I utilized a commonly held conception that one can Google almost anything. I'm surprised you did not try it."
"I did try it Sheldon. It's just that I couldn't afford fancy schmancy classes."
"A point in favour of my plan to manage your life, is it not?"
"Organize my life, Sheldon - not manage it. I think I'm quite capable of doing that myself."
"Yes, and you've done such a bang up job so far. That was sarcasm."
"Don't make me go junior rodeo on your ass, moonpie."
**
"Well, how did it go?"
"Oh my God, Sheldon - it was great! I went to three different workshops so far and believe me, I've learnt way more than all my other acting classes combined."
"Excellent. I have often doubted the validity of those acting classes you've mentioned in the past. Clearly casting directors could also discern no improvement in your thespian abilities - hence the lack of call-backs, as you previously mentioned."
"Is that your way of implying that I suck as an actress?"
"If sucking can be equated to not getting call-backs, then perhaps. Unless, of course it was because you were too Midwest for those parts, you know, because of your characteristic Scandinavian and Germanic bone structure... Penny, why is your eye twitching!?”
**
“You know who called me today? Kurt! Can you believe it?”
“Well, you’ve just stated it - I presume you’re telling the truth as I have no reason to believe you would invent an incident like that Neanderthal you call an ex-boyfriend calling you out of the proverbial blue.”
“Huh?”
“No - I don’t believe it!”
“I know, right? And he wants to meet up for coffee because his girlfriend broke up with him! As if I didn’t know what he really wanted!”
“Commiseration?”
“Pity sex!”
“And I wonder why social interactions continue to confound me.”
“So I went to see him.”
“Good Lord - why?”
“Because - I don’t know. I had to. I went and I listened and I watched as he tried to put his smarmy moves on me. And you know what, Sheldon?”
“What?”
“I poured my frappaccino on his stupid, big, jerk-off head!”
“I see. So no pity sex?”
“No! I’m so over him.”
“Coitus of any other kind, then?”
“Sheldon! No!”
“Oh. Good.”
“I mean, he treated me like an idiot. I was an idiot to stick with him for so long.”
“Your past folly could be blamed on naiveté and hormones - that’s not idiocy. You deserve much better. Which reminds me - how is your relationship with Leonard progressing?”
“Er... it’s kind of not.”
“Oh.”
“I told Leonard it’s best if we stayed friends, for good this time. I just don’t have those kinds of feelings for him, you know?”
“No, I don’t know.”
“Passion, Sheldon! There’s no passion in my relationship with Leonard. I just like being with him as a friend - he’s a sweet guy, great to talk to or hang out with or play Halo with, but that’s it. Sometimes I wish I could feel more for him but forcing it, without really meaning it, isn’t fair to him.”
“I see. A similar situation arose in Leonard’s relationship with Dr. Stephanie, if I’m not mistaken. Is passion an important part of a relationship paradigm for you?”
“Definitely. And love - love’s the most important thing.”
“And coitus?”
“Sheldon, will you stop calling it that? And, no - I mean - yes, sex is an important part of the relationship equation, but it’s not the only part - you know? I think it’s part of the reason I haven’t been happy lately. I need more...”
“Is that also why you declined to comment on whether or not you are able to stay emotionally detached in a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario?”
“Er... yeah. I don’t think I could do that anymore - just hook-up, I mean. It’s like a bad habit, and I’m quitting cold turkey. I don’t know - I feel I’m missing something important - I just can’t put my finger on it.”
“I see. Do you perhaps seek a more permanent, lasting liaison?”
“You know what? I think I do.”
“Like marriage?”
“What?! No! Well... yes - eventually, but not now. But... you know, soon. Eventually.”
“In other words: tick-tock goes your biological clock.”
“Sheldon, don’t be ridiculous! I’m too young to be thinking about babies!”
“Not necessarily, Penny. It’s all hormonal really...”
“Sheldon, that is the second time you’ve mentioned ‘hormones’ and I swear, if you bring up my cycle again, I’m hanging up!”
**
"Guess what?"
"If I start that - I’ll never get any work done today."
"Yeah, so, in one of my workshops, we act out scenes from current movies, and in today’s workshop, we did scenes from Star Trek."
"Indeed? Which character did you portray?"
"Uhura! My favourite! Well, after Spock, of course.”
“Of course. Spock rules.”
“We picked key scenes - I loved doing the scene with Spock in the elevator thingy."
"Your eloquence is frightening. It's called a turbolift."
"Whatever. There was this agent there who gave me her card and asked me to come see her next week! She said she had heard of a casting call for a new pilot and she thought I might be a good fit. Can you believe that?"
"Her name?"
"Angela Carstairs. I Googled her - she seems legit."
"I shall be the judge of that. Do not meet her until you hear from me."
"Yes, master."
“Sarcasm?”
“Ya think?!”
"I think that is an acceptable form of address."
"Dream on, Shelly."
"I forbid you to call me that."
"You forbid me? You think that's a good idea, sweetie?"
"My mother calls me that."
"All right, moonpie - no more Shelly."
“Only my Meemaw calls me that.”
“Well, now it’s your Meemaw and me, nummy-nummy.”
"That scene from the movie involved a brief... er..."
"A brief... what?"
"An osculation, a brief buss if you will, as Uhura consoled Spock following the destruction of Vulcan."
"Buses? I don't get it."
"Not a vehicular mode of mass transportation, a... kiss."
"Wasn't that a much easier word to use?"
"Unlike some people, I possess a working knowledge of the wide and varied English vocabulary."
"What was the question again?"
"Did you kiss the actor playing Spock?"
"Oh - yeah."
"Oh. Good. Keepin' it real."
**
“Would you do me a favour, Penny and call my mother? She doesn’t believe me when I tell her that all is well here and that I still keep in constant touch with the outside world - that means you. I talk to Leonard and Howard less frequently. You still have her number, I presume?”
“On speed dial.”
“Very well then.”
“Aww, sweetie, she worries because she loves you - and who can blame her?”
“Yes. It is unavoidable.”
“You’re adorable, Sheldon.”
"So I’ve been told. Mostly by female grad students. By the way, I checked and the Carstairs Agency does indeed seem to be a legitimate enterprise, and has represented several actors - mostly in television. A small proportion of those actors have gone on to small, but adequate movie careers."
"How did you find that out?"
"Google."
"Gee - now why didn’t I think of that?"
“Sarcasm?”
“Oh, you’re getting good at that.”
"Indeed. However, I also conducted a background check, just to be sure."
"What? How did you do that?"
"I have my ways. It's best if you do not pry any further. It's called plausible deniability."
**
“What up, moonpie?”
"I’m up, and frankly, I should be in bed.”
“But you’re not - ‘cause talking to me is more fun than sleeping.”
“If you say so.”
“Admit it, Sheldon - you miss me.”
“Sooo - how did it go with Ms. Carstairs?"
"Angie. She got me a couple of auditions, Sheldon! One for that pilot I was telling you about and another for a commercial - for a cereal."
"Do you know which one?"
"Honey Puffs."
"Oh! I eat that cereal. It has an adequate fibre content and the taste is satisfactory.”
“I know - I’ve stolen some in the past when I ran out of cereal.”
“So you’re the cereal bandit. You were my prime suspect after the milk heist.”
“I promise - if they offer me free cereal, I will give it all to you.”
"An acceptable exchange. Do you know what the pilot is for?"
"Some sci-fi show. It was the trekkie scenes we did at the workshop that day that made her talk to me in the first place."
"Some sci-fi show? Can you not be more specific?"
"All she could tell me is that it's loosely based on something called Red Dwarf - whatever that means."
"Great Caesar’s Ghost! Red Dwarf is a classic British Broadcasting Corporation television situation comedy franchise, that aired between 1988 and 1999 and gained a quite the cult following. It is set aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf, and centres primarily on the interaction of the ship's technician, a hologram of his supervisor and bunkmate - who, incidentally, is dead - a humanoid cat, and a robot. Alternately, a red dwarf is a small star between 7 and 60 percent as massive as our sun, and so does not burn as hot or as brightly, emitting less than 5 percent as much light as the sun. About three quarters of the stars in the galaxy are red dwarfs, but planet searches have typically passed over them because they were thought to be unfriendly to potential life forms. But I am guessing she meant the former."
"No shit, Sherlock."
**
"I got the commercial, Sheldon. A paying gig! And guess what - it's like a series of commercials, so I have to do two more."
"Excellent, Penny. Felicitations."
"Feliz navidad to you too, Sheldon. Feliz navidad, baby!"
**
“Are you getting along with everyone at the research station there, Sheldon?”
“Of course; as the team leader, it behooves me to cultivate positive relations with my fellow researchers.”
“Yes, but are you playing nice?”
“Funny - my mother asked me the same, exact question.”
“What did you tell her?”
“That I have not recently tried to make any death rays.”
“Thank the Good Lord for that.”
“Again, an identical response to my mother! Fascinating.”
“How’s it going with Raj?”
“We have achieved a significantly improved working relationship, in addition to our existing friendship. It may interest you to know that he is even able to speak in monosyllables to the attractive female physicist who joined our team in the wake of Leonard and Howard’s departure.”
“Wow - finally, some progress - whaaaat? What attractive female physicist? You think she’s attractive?”
“I meant she was attractive in the context of Raj not being able to speak to her. However, as intelligent as she is, she has devised a psychotherapeutic means to help him overcome his affliction of selective mutism. She’s very savvy, not in my league intellectually, of course, but then again, no one is.”
“Wait. Do you think she’s attractive in the context of you potentially being attracted to her?”
“Penny, Penny, Penny. I refuse to dignify that with a response.”
“SHELDON!”
“No! She’s pretty, I suppose, but that is of no concern to me, and she’s certainly not as pretty as you. Er..., I have to go now. I believe I hear Raj calling. Good-bye, Penny.”
“What the frack?”
**
“Why so glum, ol’ chum?”
“I didn’t get the pilot, Sheldon.”
“I’m sorry, Penny. I know how much you were looking forward to that.”
“Yeah - it would have meant a steady acting job.”
“No sense in wallowing in self-pity. Onwards to greener pastures.”
“I’m trying to stay optimistic too. Angie already has another audition lined up - maybe even two more.”
“Excellent. Have you made any progress on your screenplay?”
“What screenplay?”
“The one you told us you were writing when you first moved in - the one about the girl who moves to California and is a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory but isn’t a story based on your life?”
“Oh. That one.”
“Yes, perhaps it is time to resurrect it and tinker with it. I’d be happy to read and critique it for you.”
“And that’s exactly why I’m not writing it, Sheldon.”
**
“S’uuup, Penny. You called and here I am - a day earlier than usual. My entire schedule has been rearranged for this impromptu chat, so you better have a good reason.”
“I got the pilot, Sheldon! I GOT THE PILOT!”
“That is a good reason. Congratulations, Penny! What changed?”
“Apparently, the audience at the test screening didn’t like the original actress and they re-tooled the character and called me!”
“Well, rest assured that if they do a test screening again, the audience will not have a similar complaint. I would think it impossible not to like you.”
“Aww, Sheldon - you say the sweetest things sometimes. No wonder the female grad students fall all over you.”
“Yes, I’m a veritable playa.”
**
"Hey - I found out what the Red Dwarf pilot thingy is all about. I got the script yesterday."
"Enlighten me."
"It's not exactly based on that show - I watched a couple of episodes online before I went to the audition. It's a half-hour sitcom about four people - 3 guys, 1 girl - that would be me - on this spaceship who go around repairing other ships that are stranded or in trouble. Kind of like a space tow-truck. I'm the driver."
"Well, then I suggest you keep an eye on your 'Check Engine' light."
"Bazinga?"
"Penny! That's my punchline!"
"Sorry, sweetie. Aww - quit pouting, Sheldon!"
"What's the name of your ship?"
"The Tachyon."
“Oooh... a tachyon is a hypothetical elementary particle that travels faster than the speed of light. It has relevance in not only quantum field theory but also in string theory.”
"Bosonic string theory more so than superstring theory, though - wouldn't you agree?"
"Yes, I concur, altho... Whaaaat?"
"Bazinga."
**
"There was a re-write last night, which is why I couldn't make our chat. I had to rehearse again - sorry, sweetie."
"You sent me a message; I was not kept waiting, and I was able to get ahead with my data analysis."
"How is your magnetic monopole research going?"
"It's promising but dependent on a thorough evaluation of our data if I'm to make any headway into proving string theory."
“I don’t get it. What do magnets at the North Pole have to do with your balls of string?”
“Magnets exert forces on one another, and they each have poles - a north pole and a south pole. Like poles repel each other while unlike poles will attract.”
“Oh - like when people say opposites attract even though they are poles apart.”
“Indeed - if magnets are personified in such a manner as to explain human attraction.”
“It’s probably why I love you, Sheldon - even when there’s nothing I’d like better than to strangle you.”
“Er... ditto.”
“I still don’t get what that has to do with your stringy stuff.”
“Imagine a magnet cut in half numerous times - each resulting piece will have two poles and so on and so forth until you are left with tiny magnetic monopoles. If you take gravity into account, the monopole singularity can be considered a black hole. However, since black holes are not infinite, according to string theory, the smallest possible monopoles have a finite mass. I seek to prove this hypothesis.”
“Holy ravioli, Sheldon! I lost you at ‘ditto’”
"That’s all right, Penny. I certainly don’t expect you to understand - even Gablehauser has difficulties grasping the finer points of particle physics. Suffice it to say that my work here involves proving a small aspect of the big picture. I doubt we'll make any significant breakthroughs here, although I remain optimistic."
"If anyone can do it, Sheldon Cooper - it's you."
"Fo-shizzle.”
**
“I have just finalized our itineraries.”
“For your trip home? Oh my God, Sheldon - I can’t wait!”
“Yes, it will be nice to return home. Jordan, Raj and I will travel to Los Angeles together.”
“Jordan, the pretty physicist?”
“Yes.”
“The one you were attracted to? The hot science chick?”
"I believe I described her as intelligent and attractive. And, no."
“So - she lives in LA, huh?”
“No - she works at Stanford. But Raj and I have invited her to give a seminar at Caltech and she will be staying here for a week, maybe two.”
“Oh.”
“How did the filming of the pilot go? Does the series have a name yet?”
“The filming went great. The cast and crew are really nice. I think the show’s going to be called Black Hole - kind of a play on Red Dwarf. So where’s she going to stay? Jordan, I mean?”
“Caltech provides accommodations for visiting scientists. I like that - Black Hole. It sounds like something I would watch, and at least they didn’t call it Black Hobbit. Get it? Red Dwarf - Black Hobbit?”
“Oh, Sheldon. I love it when you laugh. So will Jordan be hanging out with you... er... guys?”
“Probably. Our social interactions over recent months have gelled into what can be termed a friendly camaraderie.”
“So, you’re friends now?”
“Yes, I decided to grant her temporary admission into my social circle. Both Raj and I consider her a gifted scientist and a decent human being.”
“And this wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that she’s smokin’ hot?”
“I refuse to comment on that.”
“Fine. Whatever. It doesn’t really matter.”
“Okay.”
“All right, then.”
“Our ETA at the apartment is 1:30 a.m. next Thursday.”
“Wow - that soon? I can’t believe I get to talk to you in person from now on. Next week, you’ll be back, knocking on my door. I’ve missed you knocking on my door.”
“Well, suffice it to say that I most certainly will not be doing that upon my return - it’ll be much too late, and far too close to my bedtime.”
"Then I'll put my alarm on and meet you in the hallway. I can’t wait to give you a big hug! And you know what, Sheldon?"
“What, Penny?”
“Social convention dictates that you hug me back.”
**