Stick Theater Presents: The Time of Troubles!
For erueru_2d:
---
If you are from west of about this line:
Then right now, you are maybe going "Ahaha…yeah, the…Time of Troubles…I know about…about that thing…"
Or variously:
And that is okay! My school never talked about it, either. And then they wonder why kids don't like history. They leave out all the good shit.
So, the Rurik dynasty died out in 1598, yeah?
Russia's like, "Oh, no big. I've got heaps of nobles. Who's--that guy; what's he doing?"
Okay, Boris Godunov wasn't actually the palace janitor; he had even been the regent under the last tsar, who had been mentally feeble and who (just as an aside) told Russia he had to dump England, whereafter the two nations never got along again.
But the point is that Godunov was not generally considered to be of sufficiently noble blood to be the ruler of Russia, and many of the Russian aristocracy (including the Romanovs) chafed under his appointment. But, Godunov had been a capable administrator under the tsar; so the whole thing went forward.
Unfortunately, things then turned Very Russian.
Things proceeded in the manner to which Russia is accustomed: the cold weather led to famine, famine led to economic collapse as refugees from the outer provinces fled into Moscow to take advantage of government relief efforts, disorganization and depopulation led to banditry, the Don Cossacks on the frontier grew restless, starvation and plagues broke out in the cities, some rivers might or might not have turned to blood, Girls Gone Wild put out another video, etc.
The oligarchs of the National Assembly had just one thing to say about all this.
Then! A SHINING ANGEL OF DELIVERANCE appeared!
POLAND! Baby, what's up!
Uh, Poland, which one do you have, if I might ask?
Poland, I hate to bring this up, but…isn't he dead?
And I wish I could say any of that was exaggeration, but it isn't. An imposter to the throne calling himself Dmitri, a younger son of Ivan the Terrible, emerged in the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth and quickly gained support from independent Polish nobles and the Papal States seeking to expand their influence into Russia and spread Catholicism to their Orthodox neighbor. Many among the Russian aristocracy were…nonplussed…but, Godunov was unpopular, and the imposter had gained widespread support among the Russian people, so…whatever.
As soon as Godunov died (not murdered, funnily enough, although that's only because he got some horrible wasting sickness and died before anybody got the chance), the false Dmitri entered Moscow and was crowned amidst much fanfare.
He was promptly murdered.
By a Rurikid prince named Vasily Shuisky, who also murdered "Dmitri's" escort of some 2,000 Polish troops. Shuisky then declared himself tsar--
--Which might have slid by as business as usual in Russia, except that Shuisky was extremely unpopular. Hey, no problem. Russia knew how to deal with unpopular rulers, right?
Except Poland was hatching a plan.
Do you want to hear Poland's genius plan? You totally do.
What, another one?
Yes. Poland found another one. And swiftly declared him to be the true ruler of Russia, and vowed that the Polish-Lithuanian army would do everything in its power to secure his throne.
Shuisky, his rumble-senses tingling, secured an alliance with Sweden in the hopes of shoring up his unsteady position on the throne, but all it did was convince the king of Poland that it was high time he got involved in all this business officially. The Polish-Lithuanian army crossed the border with False Dmitri Two in tow, kicking off the Polish-Muscovite War.
Commonwealth forces smashed through the Swedish and Russian armies and forced Shuisky to abdicate. False Dmitri 2 did not take the throne, however: Poland had another idea.
This emphatically did not sit right with Sweden, who had a thing going with Poland in the Baltic Sea at the time. So Sweden declared war on Russia as well.
His justification for marching on Moscow?
Get your own Dmitri, of course.
There's just nothing left to say at a certain point, is there.
Poland, meanwhile:
Russia, by this point, was in critical condition. Catholic Poles controlled Moscow and Smolensk. Protestant Swedes occupied Novgorod. The throne was empty, the National Assembly feuded amongst themselves, and two rival imposters, a prince, and a king all vied for the tsardom. Elsewhere, banditry and starvation had brought Russia to his knees.
So how did Russia turn it around?
I've usually heard it described as a "surge in Russian patriotism." Historically speaking, "surges in Russian patriotism" have usually meant "All of you within about 500 miles of the Russian frontier? You are all so boned."
Basically, the severity of the situation in Russia created its own solution: from the peasants to the oligarchs, everyone agreed that they needed to band together as Russians to throw out their invaders. Once the spike in nationalist sentiment found effective leadership, the ferocity of the Russian resistance astonished the occupying forces, and Russia's cities were quickly reclaimed.
While Russia did have to make some territorial concessions to Poland and Sweden in order to put a definite end to the wars, nearly all of that land would be reclaimed over the following centuries.
The Great National Assembly convened again and elected a new tsar--
--And Russia stuck with the new royal family until the fall of the tsardom, one would imagine just so that he would never have to go through anything like this again.
Thanks for reading, everybody! Next time on Stick Theater: The Third Crusade.
---
If you are from west of about this line:
Then right now, you are maybe going "Ahaha…yeah, the…Time of Troubles…I know about…about that thing…"
Or variously:
And that is okay! My school never talked about it, either. And then they wonder why kids don't like history. They leave out all the good shit.
So, the Rurik dynasty died out in 1598, yeah?
Russia's like, "Oh, no big. I've got heaps of nobles. Who's--that guy; what's he doing?"
Okay, Boris Godunov wasn't actually the palace janitor; he had even been the regent under the last tsar, who had been mentally feeble and who (just as an aside) told Russia he had to dump England, whereafter the two nations never got along again.
But the point is that Godunov was not generally considered to be of sufficiently noble blood to be the ruler of Russia, and many of the Russian aristocracy (including the Romanovs) chafed under his appointment. But, Godunov had been a capable administrator under the tsar; so the whole thing went forward.
Unfortunately, things then turned Very Russian.
Things proceeded in the manner to which Russia is accustomed: the cold weather led to famine, famine led to economic collapse as refugees from the outer provinces fled into Moscow to take advantage of government relief efforts, disorganization and depopulation led to banditry, the Don Cossacks on the frontier grew restless, starvation and plagues broke out in the cities, some rivers might or might not have turned to blood, Girls Gone Wild put out another video, etc.
The oligarchs of the National Assembly had just one thing to say about all this.
Then! A SHINING ANGEL OF DELIVERANCE appeared!
POLAND! Baby, what's up!
Uh, Poland, which one do you have, if I might ask?
Poland, I hate to bring this up, but…isn't he dead?
And I wish I could say any of that was exaggeration, but it isn't. An imposter to the throne calling himself Dmitri, a younger son of Ivan the Terrible, emerged in the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth and quickly gained support from independent Polish nobles and the Papal States seeking to expand their influence into Russia and spread Catholicism to their Orthodox neighbor. Many among the Russian aristocracy were…nonplussed…but, Godunov was unpopular, and the imposter had gained widespread support among the Russian people, so…whatever.
As soon as Godunov died (not murdered, funnily enough, although that's only because he got some horrible wasting sickness and died before anybody got the chance), the false Dmitri entered Moscow and was crowned amidst much fanfare.
He was promptly murdered.
By a Rurikid prince named Vasily Shuisky, who also murdered "Dmitri's" escort of some 2,000 Polish troops. Shuisky then declared himself tsar--
--Which might have slid by as business as usual in Russia, except that Shuisky was extremely unpopular. Hey, no problem. Russia knew how to deal with unpopular rulers, right?
Except Poland was hatching a plan.
Do you want to hear Poland's genius plan? You totally do.
What, another one?
Yes. Poland found another one. And swiftly declared him to be the true ruler of Russia, and vowed that the Polish-Lithuanian army would do everything in its power to secure his throne.
Shuisky, his rumble-senses tingling, secured an alliance with Sweden in the hopes of shoring up his unsteady position on the throne, but all it did was convince the king of Poland that it was high time he got involved in all this business officially. The Polish-Lithuanian army crossed the border with False Dmitri Two in tow, kicking off the Polish-Muscovite War.
Commonwealth forces smashed through the Swedish and Russian armies and forced Shuisky to abdicate. False Dmitri 2 did not take the throne, however: Poland had another idea.
This emphatically did not sit right with Sweden, who had a thing going with Poland in the Baltic Sea at the time. So Sweden declared war on Russia as well.
His justification for marching on Moscow?
Get your own Dmitri, of course.
There's just nothing left to say at a certain point, is there.
Poland, meanwhile:
Russia, by this point, was in critical condition. Catholic Poles controlled Moscow and Smolensk. Protestant Swedes occupied Novgorod. The throne was empty, the National Assembly feuded amongst themselves, and two rival imposters, a prince, and a king all vied for the tsardom. Elsewhere, banditry and starvation had brought Russia to his knees.
So how did Russia turn it around?
I've usually heard it described as a "surge in Russian patriotism." Historically speaking, "surges in Russian patriotism" have usually meant "All of you within about 500 miles of the Russian frontier? You are all so boned."
Basically, the severity of the situation in Russia created its own solution: from the peasants to the oligarchs, everyone agreed that they needed to band together as Russians to throw out their invaders. Once the spike in nationalist sentiment found effective leadership, the ferocity of the Russian resistance astonished the occupying forces, and Russia's cities were quickly reclaimed.
While Russia did have to make some territorial concessions to Poland and Sweden in order to put a definite end to the wars, nearly all of that land would be reclaimed over the following centuries.
The Great National Assembly convened again and elected a new tsar--
--And Russia stuck with the new royal family until the fall of the tsardom, one would imagine just so that he would never have to go through anything like this again.
Thanks for reading, everybody! Next time on Stick Theater: The Third Crusade.