nothing tears the being more than deception, unmasked fear....
you don't know why he always comes to you for advice. he never listens. but you give it to him anyways, because its the only way he'll let you show you care for him. that and the poetry. you didn't have the band anymore, the back-to-back dueling guitar solos that you always pressed tightly together for.
the hardest advice you have to give him is when he asks about relationships. because they're not with you. oh, you know he'll never be with you, never love you as more than a friend, but it still hurts a little when he asks. and you give him the best advice you know how to give.
of course you tell him your understanding of people is limited, and he should take everything you say with a grain of salt. then you laugh at yourself, because you know he won't listen to you anyway, and he'll be back once more to cry out his heartbreak to you yet again. because you're his go-to person. his best friend, goddamnit.
and you never say how much you hate to see him do this to himself. how much it tears you up inside to see them hurt him again and again, like he was a toy. how you want to cuss him out and tell him that you would treat him so much better, that you've never had a cheating bone in your body. how you'd love him forever, no matter what he chose. even if the drugs had changed him.
you did that once. told him how you feel. that you love him forever, unconditionally. and it nearly killed you when he laughed at you. then you told him how you hurt and wished you were dead.
and all he did was mock you, tell you to go ahead and do it, kill yourself and get it over with. you cried to him, told him how he hurt you with those words. and he laughed more. and you decided to get over him.
just like that you stopped calling, stopped texting. you started to put your heart back together. it still hurt, but it was better for you this way.
it didn't take long for him to beg forgiveness. the texts started pouring in. then he called. and, the big softie you are, you answered him.
"bri? i'm sorry. i was scared. i pushed you away because i was scared. i didn't mean to hurt you. i miss you bri. i, well, i love you too."
you could hear the tears in his voice as he stammered those words you'd wanted so badly to hear.
"i miss you too zack. i miss the way you were before you started using."
there, you said it. the thing that was killing you. the reason you left the band. the reason you never went out with them when matt or jimmy or johnny asked you to. you couldn't stand the way he was killing himself.
"i'm getting clean bri. i'm at the rehab center now. i can't call you for two weeks, but i had to sneak in one call. to let you know. i haven't used in three days, i'm sober right now. so you know its true bri. i love you."
the words made your heart skip. he was getting clean. he would be himself again. two weeks in detox.
"ok zacky. i love you too man. thank you for getting clean. i'll talk to you again when you get out zack. let me know and i'll come get you. i'm really happy you're finally listening and getting help. get strong again zack."
you knew it might not last, but you didn't care. you got to have your zacky back for a little while, and that's what mattered.
"i love you brian, i really mean that. you don't have to believe me. shit, i wouldn't if i was you. but i had a big scare a little bit ago, and it knocked some sense into me. you're right, you've always been right, and i'm sorry i didn't listen. i'll call again when i get out. i gotta go, the nurse is making the rounds right now, i can hear him coming down the hall."
"i love you too zachary. i'll be waiting for your call."
the two weeks flew by on hummingbird wings. zack called for a ride home from rehab. and you drove over to get him, just like you said you would.
he looked like hell. the drugs had hurt him bad. he was skinnier than you'd ever seen him. he'd even lost the moobs that the fangirls teased him so badly about.
he opened the passenger door and eased into the car.
"thank you bri. i'm so sorry for being a tool for so long."
"its ok zack. you're better now."
"i really do love you bri. it hurt so bad to not see you everyday like we used to. and i'm sorry i hurt you."
he leaned over and kissed you on the lips. just a soft little kiss. but you were glad you were still parked anyway.
"brian? say something. please?"
"god zack, you shocked me. c'mere."
you pulled him back toward you and kiss him back. this time the kiss lasts.
"i'm never going to need another drug again. you're all the drugs i need." he breathed after you parted.
"i'd better damn well be. otherwise i'll kick your ass." you grin at him and slowly pull the car out of the lot.
and you knew, this time he'd stay sober.
~totally based very heavily on a relationship i've got with a guy a continent away. of course i modified it a bit to make it A7X material. and to have a happy ending. reviews are love dolls. and i don't get enough.~
so now i get calls for advice. but all i've got is news he really doesn't want to hear.
let me explain. see, frank's got this girl, and when they lived closer together, or even together, i'm not sure, she was completely in love with him, the very epitome of a devoted girlfriend. now that she's moved, she hardly calls him anymore, they hardly ever see each other, and she says they both need some time apart, but she doesn't want to let him go.
the unfortunate news is, this never ends in the relationship getting back together, unless its a b'hai marriage. (they have a very low divorce rate) i just consoled ash thru a relationship like that.
and its tearing frank up. he said it was her that started saying i love you first. like two weeks into it. he says he doesn't love her as much as she wants him to. but he wanted to work it out, stick with her and maybe learn to love her like that. and now all he feels is played, used. been there done that, and by him, no less.
and yet, here i am, offering him my virtual shoulder to cry on. telling him it gets better over time. offering him kind words and the love i still have for him, even tho he's a total tool most of the time and ignores my existance. but once things start going to shit for him, wham, its like i'm pam anderson. (i know, shitty comparison.)
its a pattern. we needed eachother when we first met, we were having awful bouts of depression and all, and we talked eachother down. things got good, we stopped talking as much. then things went to hell for him, he needed a friend, and i blew him off, because of a different guy. (who was a mistake.) then i needed a friend, well, needed to hear him say i told you so, but he wasn't there. then we found each other again. things got good, i got ignored. things went to hell, i became important. then he got scared, because he thought he might be falling for me, a girl a continent away, so he pushed. i pushed beck. he had a drug scare, got clean, apologised, proposed. two weeks later, we can't stand each other, signals keep getting crossed, we stop talking. now things are bad again. and he sought me out.
he's asked me (in jest, i hope) to move to cali, live in a house on the beach, become drug dealers and live like filthy rich rockstars with him. tempting. but i couldn't. i'd be too tempted to dispose of all the merch in a very non-profitable way.
and thru it all i know i won't matter to him in a couple weeks, maybe even a couple days. but i cling to this time. for what? i know i'm just gonna feel like shit again when he ignores me again. i know i promised to love him forever, but love will only cover so much of the emotional rollercoaster. eventually i'm gonna want to get off the ride.
he asked me today, how do you make it stop hurting?
tbqh, it never stops hurting, the system of being used and thrown away. but it gets dull when you give up. and i did. i just gave up. i used to feel things deeply, highs were mountainous, lows were abysmal. everything so bright and vivid. i used to write poetry, and people in love and happy in my stories. after all this crap, i haven't been able to write poetry, and my characters have horrible things happen to them and their loved ones. now its all muted, everything's evening out to a monotone. the sunrise fails to captivate me as i trudge to work. the sunset fails to get my heart to skip like it used to. doc, i'm dying, i'm feeling comprimised, and so dehumanised.
if i had to have a song for me and frank, it would be unholy confessions by avenged sevenfold. my personal anthem, brompton coctail also by avenged sevenfold. go look them up, beacuse i have to go to church in the morningand i'm far too tired to do it for you. they really are great songs, the boys are awesome musicians. but pay attention to the lyrics. that's why these songs are important to me right now. goodnight.
the hardest advice you have to give him is when he asks about relationships. because they're not with you. oh, you know he'll never be with you, never love you as more than a friend, but it still hurts a little when he asks. and you give him the best advice you know how to give.
of course you tell him your understanding of people is limited, and he should take everything you say with a grain of salt. then you laugh at yourself, because you know he won't listen to you anyway, and he'll be back once more to cry out his heartbreak to you yet again. because you're his go-to person. his best friend, goddamnit.
and you never say how much you hate to see him do this to himself. how much it tears you up inside to see them hurt him again and again, like he was a toy. how you want to cuss him out and tell him that you would treat him so much better, that you've never had a cheating bone in your body. how you'd love him forever, no matter what he chose. even if the drugs had changed him.
you did that once. told him how you feel. that you love him forever, unconditionally. and it nearly killed you when he laughed at you. then you told him how you hurt and wished you were dead.
and all he did was mock you, tell you to go ahead and do it, kill yourself and get it over with. you cried to him, told him how he hurt you with those words. and he laughed more. and you decided to get over him.
just like that you stopped calling, stopped texting. you started to put your heart back together. it still hurt, but it was better for you this way.
it didn't take long for him to beg forgiveness. the texts started pouring in. then he called. and, the big softie you are, you answered him.
"bri? i'm sorry. i was scared. i pushed you away because i was scared. i didn't mean to hurt you. i miss you bri. i, well, i love you too."
you could hear the tears in his voice as he stammered those words you'd wanted so badly to hear.
"i miss you too zack. i miss the way you were before you started using."
there, you said it. the thing that was killing you. the reason you left the band. the reason you never went out with them when matt or jimmy or johnny asked you to. you couldn't stand the way he was killing himself.
"i'm getting clean bri. i'm at the rehab center now. i can't call you for two weeks, but i had to sneak in one call. to let you know. i haven't used in three days, i'm sober right now. so you know its true bri. i love you."
the words made your heart skip. he was getting clean. he would be himself again. two weeks in detox.
"ok zacky. i love you too man. thank you for getting clean. i'll talk to you again when you get out zack. let me know and i'll come get you. i'm really happy you're finally listening and getting help. get strong again zack."
you knew it might not last, but you didn't care. you got to have your zacky back for a little while, and that's what mattered.
"i love you brian, i really mean that. you don't have to believe me. shit, i wouldn't if i was you. but i had a big scare a little bit ago, and it knocked some sense into me. you're right, you've always been right, and i'm sorry i didn't listen. i'll call again when i get out. i gotta go, the nurse is making the rounds right now, i can hear him coming down the hall."
"i love you too zachary. i'll be waiting for your call."
the two weeks flew by on hummingbird wings. zack called for a ride home from rehab. and you drove over to get him, just like you said you would.
he looked like hell. the drugs had hurt him bad. he was skinnier than you'd ever seen him. he'd even lost the moobs that the fangirls teased him so badly about.
he opened the passenger door and eased into the car.
"thank you bri. i'm so sorry for being a tool for so long."
"its ok zack. you're better now."
"i really do love you bri. it hurt so bad to not see you everyday like we used to. and i'm sorry i hurt you."
he leaned over and kissed you on the lips. just a soft little kiss. but you were glad you were still parked anyway.
"brian? say something. please?"
"god zack, you shocked me. c'mere."
you pulled him back toward you and kiss him back. this time the kiss lasts.
"i'm never going to need another drug again. you're all the drugs i need." he breathed after you parted.
"i'd better damn well be. otherwise i'll kick your ass." you grin at him and slowly pull the car out of the lot.
and you knew, this time he'd stay sober.
~totally based very heavily on a relationship i've got with a guy a continent away. of course i modified it a bit to make it A7X material. and to have a happy ending. reviews are love dolls. and i don't get enough.~
so now i get calls for advice. but all i've got is news he really doesn't want to hear.
let me explain. see, frank's got this girl, and when they lived closer together, or even together, i'm not sure, she was completely in love with him, the very epitome of a devoted girlfriend. now that she's moved, she hardly calls him anymore, they hardly ever see each other, and she says they both need some time apart, but she doesn't want to let him go.
the unfortunate news is, this never ends in the relationship getting back together, unless its a b'hai marriage. (they have a very low divorce rate) i just consoled ash thru a relationship like that.
and its tearing frank up. he said it was her that started saying i love you first. like two weeks into it. he says he doesn't love her as much as she wants him to. but he wanted to work it out, stick with her and maybe learn to love her like that. and now all he feels is played, used. been there done that, and by him, no less.
and yet, here i am, offering him my virtual shoulder to cry on. telling him it gets better over time. offering him kind words and the love i still have for him, even tho he's a total tool most of the time and ignores my existance. but once things start going to shit for him, wham, its like i'm pam anderson. (i know, shitty comparison.)
its a pattern. we needed eachother when we first met, we were having awful bouts of depression and all, and we talked eachother down. things got good, we stopped talking as much. then things went to hell for him, he needed a friend, and i blew him off, because of a different guy. (who was a mistake.) then i needed a friend, well, needed to hear him say i told you so, but he wasn't there. then we found each other again. things got good, i got ignored. things went to hell, i became important. then he got scared, because he thought he might be falling for me, a girl a continent away, so he pushed. i pushed beck. he had a drug scare, got clean, apologised, proposed. two weeks later, we can't stand each other, signals keep getting crossed, we stop talking. now things are bad again. and he sought me out.
he's asked me (in jest, i hope) to move to cali, live in a house on the beach, become drug dealers and live like filthy rich rockstars with him. tempting. but i couldn't. i'd be too tempted to dispose of all the merch in a very non-profitable way.
and thru it all i know i won't matter to him in a couple weeks, maybe even a couple days. but i cling to this time. for what? i know i'm just gonna feel like shit again when he ignores me again. i know i promised to love him forever, but love will only cover so much of the emotional rollercoaster. eventually i'm gonna want to get off the ride.
he asked me today, how do you make it stop hurting?
tbqh, it never stops hurting, the system of being used and thrown away. but it gets dull when you give up. and i did. i just gave up. i used to feel things deeply, highs were mountainous, lows were abysmal. everything so bright and vivid. i used to write poetry, and people in love and happy in my stories. after all this crap, i haven't been able to write poetry, and my characters have horrible things happen to them and their loved ones. now its all muted, everything's evening out to a monotone. the sunrise fails to captivate me as i trudge to work. the sunset fails to get my heart to skip like it used to. doc, i'm dying, i'm feeling comprimised, and so dehumanised.
if i had to have a song for me and frank, it would be unholy confessions by avenged sevenfold. my personal anthem, brompton coctail also by avenged sevenfold. go look them up, beacuse i have to go to church in the morningand i'm far too tired to do it for you. they really are great songs, the boys are awesome musicians. but pay attention to the lyrics. that's why these songs are important to me right now. goodnight.