A sigh of relief...
Despite quite a bit of good happening to me over the past two days and letting out a huge sigh of relief from my current problems...
I'm still finding myself in the exact same mood. I took a trip to norcal this past weekend. I had an amazing dinner with friends, I got to see so many great people that care about me, and it was definitely a nice reminder of the people out there that are important to me, and that I'm important to. I had a very long conversation with Deborah. We met up for some late night tea in Berkeley and just talked for an hour and a half. Although I recognize quite a bit, and have plenty of people telling me not to blame myself for certain things, I can't help but care about others more than I should.
Understanding people and trends. Months later... in some cases years later, seeing how right I was, is painful. The conflict I stand at is simple. I knew things were going to happen a certain way. I know how people are going to act, and what they're going to do. Yet I still let it happen for the worse. I didn't try to really change them. Mostly because I didn't think I was worthy to. My depression really prevented me from doing what I could. But that's an excuse right? I can't blame it... But I blame myself for still not doing anything. I shouldn't blame myself though, other people made their choices. But I could have prevented it. I could have made things different and that guilt will forever haunt me.
I can't blame my depression, but I failed other people. I do love Jun, I'm not in love with her, but she touched my life, and I do miss her. I hope to god I'm wrong about the near future... but I'm hardly ever wrong. This time I know I can't and won't be allowed to do shit. I hate that, but I know already. I won't blame myself for this time. But how I wish i could do something, or that I am wrong.
There was more I wanted to write, but I decided it's not something I should write now. I've already done enough to my mentality tonight.
I'm still finding myself in the exact same mood. I took a trip to norcal this past weekend. I had an amazing dinner with friends, I got to see so many great people that care about me, and it was definitely a nice reminder of the people out there that are important to me, and that I'm important to. I had a very long conversation with Deborah. We met up for some late night tea in Berkeley and just talked for an hour and a half. Although I recognize quite a bit, and have plenty of people telling me not to blame myself for certain things, I can't help but care about others more than I should.
Understanding people and trends. Months later... in some cases years later, seeing how right I was, is painful. The conflict I stand at is simple. I knew things were going to happen a certain way. I know how people are going to act, and what they're going to do. Yet I still let it happen for the worse. I didn't try to really change them. Mostly because I didn't think I was worthy to. My depression really prevented me from doing what I could. But that's an excuse right? I can't blame it... But I blame myself for still not doing anything. I shouldn't blame myself though, other people made their choices. But I could have prevented it. I could have made things different and that guilt will forever haunt me.
I can't blame my depression, but I failed other people. I do love Jun, I'm not in love with her, but she touched my life, and I do miss her. I hope to god I'm wrong about the near future... but I'm hardly ever wrong. This time I know I can't and won't be allowed to do shit. I hate that, but I know already. I won't blame myself for this time. But how I wish i could do something, or that I am wrong.
There was more I wanted to write, but I decided it's not something I should write now. I've already done enough to my mentality tonight.