(no subject)
I don't know what is wrong with my head...but it is pissing me off. I drift off into la la land at random. I know in part what my problem is, I'm having a bad day. By this I mean I have again lost control of my stream of thought and I have to pull it all back together again. For the last few days, my mind has wandered, sleep has not come, and I cannot really focus on anything. As always, I did not notice until I accidently ignored someone just this morning. I was paying attention one second, and a moment later (at least it seemed) I realized that about 10 minutes had passed.
So any of you who are reading this, I am working now to pull my attention back under my control. If my eyes drift off into space, please let me know. I hate it that I can't focus my attention some days. I will get it back.
I am a bit worried about Christa and I...not in the sense of breaking up or anything even being wrong. I'm afraid that I'm not treating her like I should. Though I most certainly have made the transition to dating her, I feel sometimes like I'm missing the point somehow. The way I talk, the way I act, should I be treating her like I did when we were only friends? Should this change? In every relationship prior to this, the answer is change. Though none of my girlfriends had long-standing friendships like Christa and I have. So does it change?
I also feel a bit guilty about Erin. Let me explain. Throughout this summer, I have been consistantly hurt on several different levels by her. She, by design or accident, kept me on the brink of getting back together without ever really allowing me to cross that line. I wound up getting hurt, and maybe she did, but I doubt it. She was the one running that show. But when I started dating Christa, suddenly that was it. I was no longer her friend somehow. Was she really keeping me around as a safety net? Was my only purpose in her life to be a security blanket when something went wrong only to be cast off when no longer needed? She claimed not...but her action speak otherwise. And no matter what you say, actions do speak volumes. And as she and I have essentially ceased being friends or even aquaintances, I realized something that makes me feel guilty. I didn't need her. Not that I don't value what we had, but at the same time I really don't miss her all that much. Rather than a good friend, she is now in a chapter of my life already written as I start a new chapter with someone else.
This chapter, though a bit awkward at times, is looking promising. I am confident that we can work out any problems. After all, she is wonderful (which is something I don't tell her enough). I look forward in seeing how this chapter will turn out.
So any of you who are reading this, I am working now to pull my attention back under my control. If my eyes drift off into space, please let me know. I hate it that I can't focus my attention some days. I will get it back.
I am a bit worried about Christa and I...not in the sense of breaking up or anything even being wrong. I'm afraid that I'm not treating her like I should. Though I most certainly have made the transition to dating her, I feel sometimes like I'm missing the point somehow. The way I talk, the way I act, should I be treating her like I did when we were only friends? Should this change? In every relationship prior to this, the answer is change. Though none of my girlfriends had long-standing friendships like Christa and I have. So does it change?
I also feel a bit guilty about Erin. Let me explain. Throughout this summer, I have been consistantly hurt on several different levels by her. She, by design or accident, kept me on the brink of getting back together without ever really allowing me to cross that line. I wound up getting hurt, and maybe she did, but I doubt it. She was the one running that show. But when I started dating Christa, suddenly that was it. I was no longer her friend somehow. Was she really keeping me around as a safety net? Was my only purpose in her life to be a security blanket when something went wrong only to be cast off when no longer needed? She claimed not...but her action speak otherwise. And no matter what you say, actions do speak volumes. And as she and I have essentially ceased being friends or even aquaintances, I realized something that makes me feel guilty. I didn't need her. Not that I don't value what we had, but at the same time I really don't miss her all that much. Rather than a good friend, she is now in a chapter of my life already written as I start a new chapter with someone else.
This chapter, though a bit awkward at times, is looking promising. I am confident that we can work out any problems. After all, she is wonderful (which is something I don't tell her enough). I look forward in seeing how this chapter will turn out.