Jul 18, 2006 02:28
I think I suck… Yeah, I really don’t know how else to put it. I continuously get myself into bad, awkward or difficult situations. I mean, I think things through but sometimes I think my head works like a broken calculator when it adds up the math and after the fact I’m like “Heh... how did this even... What?..” I dunno what it is, all I know is that I think I am just going to commit my life to WoW and never leave my house for anything but work and karate. Sure I will still find ways to get myself into predicaments with those two but it will be much for limited as to how many and what kinds.
For years this has been going on but in the past few months it seems to have been getting much worse and happening more often. Everything I see is in crystal clear right and wrong, unless I look to closely at myself then my eyes can’t focus at such a short distance and I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m always finding situations where any choice I make has negative repercussions and I just don’t know how it keeps happening. I just try to speak my mind and the truth, but maybe I shouldn’t… Maybe I should hold back… Maybe the truth is too strong and invokes to intense a response than it’s meant to. Perhaps I should take up politics…
Bah
I’d rather just play WoW… It’s simpler and I don’t how to worry about my emotions or getting into difficult situations with people. Honestly if anyone reads this and it seems like I’ve been ignoring you, it’s probably for your own good that you haven’t been able to get a hold of me, because I think I’m in a place that I’m stuck on something in the past and all my attempts to move forward with part of my life have been hallow and fruitless. I’ll be totally honest because it’s really very simple, part of me is still in love with a girl that never really felt the same back and I just can’t get something about her out of my head. It’s not even really her, its more of a lone feeling that was left in the wake of it all and I’ve honestly tried to move on but I hit brick wall after brick wall as soon as I start to get somewhere and I find Its making me feel quite hallow, as well as making some other people feel much worse than that I imagine.
It’s that I’m sad in anyway or think about the past and get depressed, in all actually I’m almost always in positive spirits. It’s just whenever I start to get close to someone I just find myself unable to care, and if I can’t find the point to it all and I either have to start living a lie or break things off, and I don’t much care to live lies. And I… I just don’t know what to do. I really want to move on, but whenever I try things seem to go well, almost too well then something will happen that I could normally deal with but I can’t seem to find it in myself to do that and its like running into a brick wall.
I’m only really happy anymore when I’m playing WoW or hanging out with my friends. Karate doesn’t even seem to help me that much because I feel as if I am slacking and sub par training habits should not permit me to attain satisfaction from it. In all actually I train just as much now as I ever have, only thing is that I’ve not been able to work out on Saturday myself for weeks because things haven been going on to make that impossible. I need to just... Just... I don’t even know I need, else I probably would have gotten it by not...
"Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me"
-Nickleback