thinking about love some more...
people throw the word love around these days. everyone.
i know i do it. if someone does something insanely nice (like saving me from a scary guy) i always say "oh my god, thank you, i love you." and at that moment, maybe i do love the person.
i tell certain friends i love them. and it's true. those certain friends are like family and i love them like family. i wouldn't necessarily be lost without them, but i prefer not to even bother imagining my life without them. would be a very different life. probably a lot more depressing and chaulk full of drugs and alcohol.
a while ago, my mom asked me what true love was. i told her it was the ability to look past someone's faults and forgive them, unconditionally. it was the feeling in your stomach when someone understood you so well you didn't have to speak. it was not wanting to think about not having that someone in your life. knowing you could live without them but life would be lesser. colors wouldn't be as vibrant. sounds as crisp. scents as pungent. tastes as pure. everything would be diminished.
she asked me how i knew it existed. i told her i knew because that's what i wanted to find. not someone who completed me, but someone who complimented me so well that life was better just having him in my life. knowing he was there. hearing his voice. feeling his touch.
i think my mom realized that she settled. that she was tired of searching and had lost hope. but, that she was too afraid of being alone to give up the small amount of love she had found.
you're right. i am terrifed of ending up like that. living in a small house with hundred of cats. you tell me i won't, but how do you know? what proof could you possibly offer me to the contrary?
marcella's right. maybe i'm the cotton panties. the one to settle down with. the one that could keep someone happy, with vibrant colors, crisp sounds, and pungent scents. the one that could better a life just by being apart of it. and i have to wait until all the red lacy panties have been tried on before i even get glanced at.
maybe, i'm too strong. too aloof. too unable to communicate my feelings. too scared to lose. too scared to win. too scared to move. in any direction.
i just don't know how many more times i can be overlooked, underappreciated, and brushed aside. being used to being hurt doesn't make it hurt any less. it just trains you function through it.
besides, i'm a redhead. i have a higher pain threshold. so what ends up hurting me would devastate most. keep that in mind when i don't break. when i don't allow myself to break. it's not really strength. it's will power. and as an actress, i could make you believe you had no power over me at all, even while my strength melted away, leaving me helpless.
i may be stronger than most, stronger willed, stronger of mind, but it takes every ounce of that strength to not lose myself in your eyes. in your touch. i hope you know that. and if you didn't, you do now.
♥
i know i do it. if someone does something insanely nice (like saving me from a scary guy) i always say "oh my god, thank you, i love you." and at that moment, maybe i do love the person.
i tell certain friends i love them. and it's true. those certain friends are like family and i love them like family. i wouldn't necessarily be lost without them, but i prefer not to even bother imagining my life without them. would be a very different life. probably a lot more depressing and chaulk full of drugs and alcohol.
a while ago, my mom asked me what true love was. i told her it was the ability to look past someone's faults and forgive them, unconditionally. it was the feeling in your stomach when someone understood you so well you didn't have to speak. it was not wanting to think about not having that someone in your life. knowing you could live without them but life would be lesser. colors wouldn't be as vibrant. sounds as crisp. scents as pungent. tastes as pure. everything would be diminished.
she asked me how i knew it existed. i told her i knew because that's what i wanted to find. not someone who completed me, but someone who complimented me so well that life was better just having him in my life. knowing he was there. hearing his voice. feeling his touch.
i think my mom realized that she settled. that she was tired of searching and had lost hope. but, that she was too afraid of being alone to give up the small amount of love she had found.
you're right. i am terrifed of ending up like that. living in a small house with hundred of cats. you tell me i won't, but how do you know? what proof could you possibly offer me to the contrary?
marcella's right. maybe i'm the cotton panties. the one to settle down with. the one that could keep someone happy, with vibrant colors, crisp sounds, and pungent scents. the one that could better a life just by being apart of it. and i have to wait until all the red lacy panties have been tried on before i even get glanced at.
maybe, i'm too strong. too aloof. too unable to communicate my feelings. too scared to lose. too scared to win. too scared to move. in any direction.
i just don't know how many more times i can be overlooked, underappreciated, and brushed aside. being used to being hurt doesn't make it hurt any less. it just trains you function through it.
besides, i'm a redhead. i have a higher pain threshold. so what ends up hurting me would devastate most. keep that in mind when i don't break. when i don't allow myself to break. it's not really strength. it's will power. and as an actress, i could make you believe you had no power over me at all, even while my strength melted away, leaving me helpless.
i may be stronger than most, stronger willed, stronger of mind, but it takes every ounce of that strength to not lose myself in your eyes. in your touch. i hope you know that. and if you didn't, you do now.
♥