thoughts on love...
i've never been one to fight for someone. i've always assumed (and you know what they say about assuming) that if the person was worth it, i wouldn't have to fight. i just don't know how to do it. i can't bring myself to do it. i wish i could. i want to fight. i want to win. i want to finally get something i really want and be able to have it all the time, not just... ok. that sounds like i'm talking about something i'm not. i'm not even referring to the physical. well, a little bit i am, but not really. i want the connection, the intimacy, the knowing someone really cares.
i look at my parents. they are divorced. and somewhere between when that happened and now, i think my mom lost hope. she gave up on finding the man that would truly love her and treat her how she deserves to be loved and treated, and settled for what was there. she's not happy. there's always something bothering her when i talk to her. a pot left in the sink for two days. the cabin almost being burned down. leaving lights on and doors unlocked. i see her and wonder if i took life cues from her. maybe a small part of me thinks i should end up like she did. unhappy. but at least not alone. i'm sure there's love there, my step father isn't a bad person, he's just not the brightest knife in the box, if you know what i mean. but love doesn't fix everything. love doesn't erase the thoughtlessness and carelessness. love only gets you so far...
my dad seems happy enough. he has a wife who cannot find fault with anything he does. a wife who lets (and expects) him to dote on her. she never drives. rarely cooks (but that's a good thing). doesn't ever have to discipline my little brother. the things that she could find fault with she blames on others. like a few christmases ago when she blamed me for my fathers absense from my life. somehow, as a teenager who was balancing a full course load, friends, school events, theater rehearsals, choral concerts, college applications, etc, i was also supposed to schedule in time with my father, who rarely called (even once i had my own line/cell phone) and rarely remembered important things like birthdays, holidays, and performance nights/times. i guess love is blind. either that or she's completely dillusional...
i don't want that. any of it. i want something different, something better, something real. i want simple, easy, comfortable. i want fun, exciting, flybytheseatofyourpants. i want someone who wants to call me every 5 minutes just to say hi/because they saw something that reminded him of me/just for the hell of it, but doesn't because he knows it'll make me feel smothered. i want someone who [wants to] buy[s] things beause they remind him of me. who knows what i'm thinking by the look on my face/how i talk. who knows when i lie by the way my mouth curls. who knows what to say to make me smile when i'm sad and to get me to spill what's bothering me. someone who surprises me with orange roses and chinese food after a bad day/week/month. or at least someone who would want to. i want someone who remembers the little details and references them just often enough to let me know he was actually listening. someone who cares enough to notice every scar on my body and find out where they're from.
it's not to much to ask for. i don't want jewelry or expensive clothes, a big house or fancy cars. i don't need to have the "paris hilton" lifestyle. i don't want that.
i want to feel special. to feel loved. to feel appreciated. to feel needed. to feel desired.
and most of all, i want someone who will let me do the same for them. because that's the kind of person i am.
i want to play. to laugh. to argue. to make up.
manyatime, i've thought i've found someone who could do those things, who would do those things, but always, i've been wrong. they don't notice the scar under my eyebrow. or they don't remember my birthday. or they can't tell when i'm lying. or they don't know what to say when i'm near tears. it's always something small.
but i live for details. and i deserve someone who lives for details. my details. me. all of me.
maybe i've set my heart up for aching. having too many expectations. high expectations. although, i think it's completely reasonable.
if i'm gonna give you all of me, i expect all of you in return. and since i can't just give half of myself, it's all or nothing.
♥
i look at my parents. they are divorced. and somewhere between when that happened and now, i think my mom lost hope. she gave up on finding the man that would truly love her and treat her how she deserves to be loved and treated, and settled for what was there. she's not happy. there's always something bothering her when i talk to her. a pot left in the sink for two days. the cabin almost being burned down. leaving lights on and doors unlocked. i see her and wonder if i took life cues from her. maybe a small part of me thinks i should end up like she did. unhappy. but at least not alone. i'm sure there's love there, my step father isn't a bad person, he's just not the brightest knife in the box, if you know what i mean. but love doesn't fix everything. love doesn't erase the thoughtlessness and carelessness. love only gets you so far...
my dad seems happy enough. he has a wife who cannot find fault with anything he does. a wife who lets (and expects) him to dote on her. she never drives. rarely cooks (but that's a good thing). doesn't ever have to discipline my little brother. the things that she could find fault with she blames on others. like a few christmases ago when she blamed me for my fathers absense from my life. somehow, as a teenager who was balancing a full course load, friends, school events, theater rehearsals, choral concerts, college applications, etc, i was also supposed to schedule in time with my father, who rarely called (even once i had my own line/cell phone) and rarely remembered important things like birthdays, holidays, and performance nights/times. i guess love is blind. either that or she's completely dillusional...
i don't want that. any of it. i want something different, something better, something real. i want simple, easy, comfortable. i want fun, exciting, flybytheseatofyourpants. i want someone who wants to call me every 5 minutes just to say hi/because they saw something that reminded him of me/just for the hell of it, but doesn't because he knows it'll make me feel smothered. i want someone who [wants to] buy[s] things beause they remind him of me. who knows what i'm thinking by the look on my face/how i talk. who knows when i lie by the way my mouth curls. who knows what to say to make me smile when i'm sad and to get me to spill what's bothering me. someone who surprises me with orange roses and chinese food after a bad day/week/month. or at least someone who would want to. i want someone who remembers the little details and references them just often enough to let me know he was actually listening. someone who cares enough to notice every scar on my body and find out where they're from.
it's not to much to ask for. i don't want jewelry or expensive clothes, a big house or fancy cars. i don't need to have the "paris hilton" lifestyle. i don't want that.
i want to feel special. to feel loved. to feel appreciated. to feel needed. to feel desired.
and most of all, i want someone who will let me do the same for them. because that's the kind of person i am.
i want to play. to laugh. to argue. to make up.
manyatime, i've thought i've found someone who could do those things, who would do those things, but always, i've been wrong. they don't notice the scar under my eyebrow. or they don't remember my birthday. or they can't tell when i'm lying. or they don't know what to say when i'm near tears. it's always something small.
but i live for details. and i deserve someone who lives for details. my details. me. all of me.
maybe i've set my heart up for aching. having too many expectations. high expectations. although, i think it's completely reasonable.
if i'm gonna give you all of me, i expect all of you in return. and since i can't just give half of myself, it's all or nothing.
♥