Total Eclips of the HEart. . .
The eclipse - awesomeness!!! Though I was informed that it is the third sign of the apocalyps. Man-made disaster, natural disaster, blood moon. . . The end is near! I believe it is coming. It is inevitable the way we act and destroy the earth and the ozone as well as each other. It's sad, but I have no fear. I just wish I knew all my friends and family would be safe if it is so that the end is in our generation. That is what saddens me. . . I need to write my story on this subject. Seriously. It will be a good one if I ever allow myself to zone out and actually let my thoughts flow through my fingers. I must do this soon. I feel that now is the time to get it out and published, but I have to write it first. I give myself two years. Next year, once I'm in college I feel I will have more time to devote myself to writing it. That would be cool. . .
I now have a new title: Assistant Stage Manager for the One Act Plays in Drama. Awesomeness!!! The first leader position I've gotten that I really wanted, other than Opinion Editor for newspaper (which is now up and running! check it out at www.leeschools.net/schools/lsh/news) I am very happy with this role. I am one of three that everyone will get pissed at and that gets to yell at everyone and pretty much run the whole thing. Jaime (the stage manager) and I are "the wheels" that keep the show running. Monagas likes to compare us drama members to a car. He is the headlights, giving direction, the students and performers are the car, and jaime and I are the wheels. Funny stuff. But I'm happy with my role. It makes me feel important and special. This year is definitely a change from all my previous years. The ones where I never got to hold any position for one reason or another. The dork. The lonely loser. Now, I feel loved. It is awesomeness. I have an awesome boyfriend. Incredible friends and more than I've ever had at one time. Guys flirting with me non-stop (though it does get annoying after a while) and even a guy who I don't even know that likes me. That is funny mess.
I have reconciled with Deyana. That makes me feel very good. I didn't want to lose my friend over. . . whatever it would be classified as. We have written heartfelt letters to each other and her words have almost made me cry. We needed it though. Sometimes it is good for people to tell each other how they feel about them and what they mean to them. I am kind of happy this happened though. I think we will be closer for it.
I talked to Kevin today. I can't believe it's only been three days since he left for Riverdale. It feels like 3 weeks. He feels it too. This has by far been the longest week in my life, but back to the point. I have missed my buddy. It is funny how one person can make such an impact. It's like a peice of the puzzle is missing. It's weird not having him talking to me each morning and telling me of his girl problems, but alas, "time moves on". . . and we can still hang out which is cool.
I have begun to feel quite unsatisfied. With what I dont know and I have to wonder why I feel so . . . unhappy? discontent? sad? Perhaps it is just because I am sick, or maybe I am mentally sick. Who knows? But it is frustrating. Great friends, great boyfriend, school is good, voice great, my brother is fine, Jim is tolerable, mom is fine. . . I don't understand why I am still feeling this way. It's like the past few weeks with James I have been so happy. On a happy high, and now I guess it's peeked and I've come plummeting back to the ground. NOt because of James, but because of me and my whatever one wants to classify it as. I am tired. Exhausted and can never catch up on sleep. I don't know. . . I just hope during this I don't wind up hurting James or pushing him away. When I get like this. . . I tend to push everyone away and keep them at arms length. With a boyfriend, that isn't possible. There is no way to keep distance and a detachment from a boyfriend. Not that I really want to, but I've used it as a survival mode I suppose. I am screwed up. What can I say? I've been reading Girl, Interrupted and I find myself relating so much to it and understanding completely what Susanna Kassen has going on in her mind. My mind is very similar. Such as the Interpreter One and Two that constantly contradict each other:
INterpreter One: My heel hurts
Interpreter Two: Why does your heel hurt?
Interpreter One: I don't know. Perhaps because of my shoe.
Interpreter Two: Why would the shoe make your heel hurt?
Interpreter One: It might have rubbed against it.
Interpreter Two: That makes sense. Is there anything else wrong with it?
Interpreter One: There is a blister on the back. It hurts.
Interpreter Two: How bad does it hurt. Is it big or small?
Interpreter One: It hurts when I mash it. It's getting bigger I think.
Interpreter Two: Quit mashing it. It will hurt more. Why is it getting bigger?
Interpreter One: I like mashing it. It hurts. It's soft and mushy. There's a fungus in it and it's going to grow so big it explodes.
Interpreter Two: Why would you let it get that bad? What did you do to provoke this? It's an infestation of a scratch. Sweat got into a scratch and it got infected and blew up like a balloon.
Interpreter One: It's not an infestation of sweat. It's a fungus brought over by African's and spread by foot and mouth disease.
All of that within a few seconds. That is pretty much my mind sometimes. And that is a slight variation of an exerp from Girl. Interrupted. Like her, she wanted to be alone but hated being lonely. I am the same way. I sometimes need time alone with the voices and eccentricities in my head and personality. It gets loud when all of the voices are talking at once. So the addition of trying to pay attention and have a normal conversation with someone else becomes a hassle, trying to calm down the voices to pay attention to the important one, the real, sane one. Sometimes I just want to be left alone to try to calm them and help them with their problems so they can leave me alone.
But then they start to take over without me knowing and before I know it I've extricated myself from all normality and am living inside my own head. I like it their though and perhaps that is the problem. I need and crave affection and attention. I need someone to love. I need someone to make me smile and me to make them smile. But I also have such things going on in my head that it is hard to indulge in happiness when the voices are telling me to be unhappy and to run away from it. To crawl back into my dark closet and hide with my friends and my securities. I feel torn between real happiness and my make-believe happiness. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want ot be hurt. I feel I will do the hurting which will hurt me. I felt this with Jeff, but now I'm able to classify the problem and hopefully work through it before I wind up doing something I regret. I don't know. I'm just so confused and torn with all of this. My interpreters are driving me crazy. . . I must go take a shower and sleep for a whopping 4 hours.
Later dayz,
~ Crystal ~
I now have a new title: Assistant Stage Manager for the One Act Plays in Drama. Awesomeness!!! The first leader position I've gotten that I really wanted, other than Opinion Editor for newspaper (which is now up and running! check it out at www.leeschools.net/schools/lsh/news) I am very happy with this role. I am one of three that everyone will get pissed at and that gets to yell at everyone and pretty much run the whole thing. Jaime (the stage manager) and I are "the wheels" that keep the show running. Monagas likes to compare us drama members to a car. He is the headlights, giving direction, the students and performers are the car, and jaime and I are the wheels. Funny stuff. But I'm happy with my role. It makes me feel important and special. This year is definitely a change from all my previous years. The ones where I never got to hold any position for one reason or another. The dork. The lonely loser. Now, I feel loved. It is awesomeness. I have an awesome boyfriend. Incredible friends and more than I've ever had at one time. Guys flirting with me non-stop (though it does get annoying after a while) and even a guy who I don't even know that likes me. That is funny mess.
I have reconciled with Deyana. That makes me feel very good. I didn't want to lose my friend over. . . whatever it would be classified as. We have written heartfelt letters to each other and her words have almost made me cry. We needed it though. Sometimes it is good for people to tell each other how they feel about them and what they mean to them. I am kind of happy this happened though. I think we will be closer for it.
I talked to Kevin today. I can't believe it's only been three days since he left for Riverdale. It feels like 3 weeks. He feels it too. This has by far been the longest week in my life, but back to the point. I have missed my buddy. It is funny how one person can make such an impact. It's like a peice of the puzzle is missing. It's weird not having him talking to me each morning and telling me of his girl problems, but alas, "time moves on". . . and we can still hang out which is cool.
I have begun to feel quite unsatisfied. With what I dont know and I have to wonder why I feel so . . . unhappy? discontent? sad? Perhaps it is just because I am sick, or maybe I am mentally sick. Who knows? But it is frustrating. Great friends, great boyfriend, school is good, voice great, my brother is fine, Jim is tolerable, mom is fine. . . I don't understand why I am still feeling this way. It's like the past few weeks with James I have been so happy. On a happy high, and now I guess it's peeked and I've come plummeting back to the ground. NOt because of James, but because of me and my whatever one wants to classify it as. I am tired. Exhausted and can never catch up on sleep. I don't know. . . I just hope during this I don't wind up hurting James or pushing him away. When I get like this. . . I tend to push everyone away and keep them at arms length. With a boyfriend, that isn't possible. There is no way to keep distance and a detachment from a boyfriend. Not that I really want to, but I've used it as a survival mode I suppose. I am screwed up. What can I say? I've been reading Girl, Interrupted and I find myself relating so much to it and understanding completely what Susanna Kassen has going on in her mind. My mind is very similar. Such as the Interpreter One and Two that constantly contradict each other:
INterpreter One: My heel hurts
Interpreter Two: Why does your heel hurt?
Interpreter One: I don't know. Perhaps because of my shoe.
Interpreter Two: Why would the shoe make your heel hurt?
Interpreter One: It might have rubbed against it.
Interpreter Two: That makes sense. Is there anything else wrong with it?
Interpreter One: There is a blister on the back. It hurts.
Interpreter Two: How bad does it hurt. Is it big or small?
Interpreter One: It hurts when I mash it. It's getting bigger I think.
Interpreter Two: Quit mashing it. It will hurt more. Why is it getting bigger?
Interpreter One: I like mashing it. It hurts. It's soft and mushy. There's a fungus in it and it's going to grow so big it explodes.
Interpreter Two: Why would you let it get that bad? What did you do to provoke this? It's an infestation of a scratch. Sweat got into a scratch and it got infected and blew up like a balloon.
Interpreter One: It's not an infestation of sweat. It's a fungus brought over by African's and spread by foot and mouth disease.
All of that within a few seconds. That is pretty much my mind sometimes. And that is a slight variation of an exerp from Girl. Interrupted. Like her, she wanted to be alone but hated being lonely. I am the same way. I sometimes need time alone with the voices and eccentricities in my head and personality. It gets loud when all of the voices are talking at once. So the addition of trying to pay attention and have a normal conversation with someone else becomes a hassle, trying to calm down the voices to pay attention to the important one, the real, sane one. Sometimes I just want to be left alone to try to calm them and help them with their problems so they can leave me alone.
But then they start to take over without me knowing and before I know it I've extricated myself from all normality and am living inside my own head. I like it their though and perhaps that is the problem. I need and crave affection and attention. I need someone to love. I need someone to make me smile and me to make them smile. But I also have such things going on in my head that it is hard to indulge in happiness when the voices are telling me to be unhappy and to run away from it. To crawl back into my dark closet and hide with my friends and my securities. I feel torn between real happiness and my make-believe happiness. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want ot be hurt. I feel I will do the hurting which will hurt me. I felt this with Jeff, but now I'm able to classify the problem and hopefully work through it before I wind up doing something I regret. I don't know. I'm just so confused and torn with all of this. My interpreters are driving me crazy. . . I must go take a shower and sleep for a whopping 4 hours.
Later dayz,
~ Crystal ~