Resolution
I figure it is time to make a resolution that might be easier to stick to. I want to come back to journaling and become a regular, once again, on LJ. I miss it. And it's so much more satisfying reading old LJ entries than old Facebook entries.
I am two and a half weeks away from my due date. I can't believe in less than a month we are going to have another baby! It still seems surreal. I thought Norm and I would have come to grips with it all by now, but it still seems crazy that this is all happening. Going back and reading a bunch of posts from when Blake was born has helped me a ton, though. I now realize that I won't have the stress that I did when he was born. When Blake was born, Holt was only 20 months and Holt was my world. I struggled with having a baby and a toddler, and I also struggled with having to learn to balance my time between two children. Now Holt is 9 and Blake is 7 and they are self sufficient kids and level-headed. Not to mention they'll be at school all day so I'll have sufficient time to get to know this little girl that will be arriving soon. Have I mentioned that yet on here? We're having a girl! I have mixed emotions about this. I'm excited. I know I am going to treat her like a little dolly and dress her up all the time. I'm already coordinating outfits! But on the same token, it took awhile to get used to the idea of having a girl. I love boys. I love how simple they are. I love how when they argue they just duke it out and then they're over it. It's mostly in how we raise them and I'm hoping between me and Norm being somewhat practical, and having two older brothers, she'll be pretty well grounded. Physically I'm feeling great. This pregnancy has been the same as both pregnancies with the boys, I can just tell I'm nearly 10 years older this time around. Lol
The whole drama I went through 2 or 3 years ago with J seems like a lifetime ago. My life has changed and I have grown up some. We don't talk at all anymore and I avoid seeking him out even on Facebook. I want nothing to do with him. Not because I harbor any ill will toward him, it's just obviously healthier to stay as far away as possible. I do know that he ended up marrying the woman he moved in with in the summer of 2014. And I know that she has a past as well and that they ultimately decided their pasts didn't matter and they just wanted to move forward together. I'm happy for him and she sounds like a nice person. I hope he doesn't grow bored and make himself victim the way he ended up doing with his ex-wife, justifying his actions with other women. As far as that goes, I hope the same for me. I can't imagine ever going down that road again. It was so painful and unnecessary.
I AM letting go of some of the resentment I've held onto toward Norm through the years. Looking at the following paragraph, you'd think not but I am. It's just a slow process. But I'm realizing that, as much as he pisses me off at times, my life is better with him than without him. I do wish he had a more sensitive side sometimes. His latest thing is bragging about how he doesn't have feelings and how that's such a good thing. He says it doesn't mean that me having feelings is bad and that I shouldn't read it that way. He just believes that having a lot of feelings about things makes you react more. And apparently reacting is bad. Maybe he's right. Life would be a lot more simple if I didn't feel as much as I do. On Christmas day my family came up from Iowa. They stayed for a couple days. When they got here I had a beautiful dinner ready to go and the table set. And I looked nice as well, with my hair up and nice clothes on. When I sat down to eat, Norm purposely smashed his biscuit, with honey and butter on it, into my face. I got honey in my eyelashes and all through my hair. Everyone was speechless but the boys and Norm thought it was hilarious. It's just this kind of behavior that hurts my feelings. And it's usually preceded by 2 or 3 glasses of some form of liquor. I was quiet about it. I got up and went to the bathroom and washed myself off as best as I could. It was hard not to cry. It just really offended me. All I hear from everyone who knows him is how wonderful he is, how lucky I am to have him. I have never heard a mom dote on her son as much as his mom does to him. I wish my mom and dad talked me up that much. I'm not saying my parents don't love me, I know they do. But his family is always pointing out to everyone how wonderful their kids are. I am having to learn to not let it make me feel inferior. After all, nobody can make me feel inferior without my permission. And I have been giving my permission for far too long. I just feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. I feel like I get caught up in keeping track of his wrongdoings. I feel guilty about it so I stop, knowing full well it's wrong, and I decide to forgive and let it go. But then stuff keeps happening and everything I let go of comes boiling to the surface and it starts all over again. And yes, I talk to him and voice how I feel. But you can't change someone who doesn't see a problem in their actions. But then he'll turn around and do something incredibly nice, like rub my back for 30 minutes with no strings attached, and I immediately feel bad for being mad at him for something. It's a vicious circle, but it's just going to take some patience and stick-to-it-iveness on my end or something. So.....in a nutshell, Norm and I ARE doing better in some aspects. I won't go down the same dead end twice and make the same mistake, but I still feel like we have some issues here and there to work out. But who doesn't, right? Our relationship will never be the same, but that isn't necessarily bad. I think, through it all, we don't take each other for granted quite as much as we used to. We are just two stubborn people who really struggle to understand each other. But if he loves me enough to not give up on me, then I owe him the same and I love him just for merely loving ME that much.
Christmas was so awesome. I love how magical Christmas is to me, and that our kids feel the same way. I told the boys on Labor Day already that Santa and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was to have a Christmas without having to worry about Santa!! It truly was a stressful thing to pull off each year! The boys weren't too disappointed and they certainly didn't end up deprived of presents because of it. My family came up on Christmas day, as I mentioned earlier. It was so awesome to have them here. I miss my mom coming up so much. She's getting older and it's less appealing to drive that much by herself. I get that. She will be coming up a week or two after the baby is born. I'm really looking forward to it. I pulled her aside at one point a couple weeks ago and told her "I think we're all better off with just you coming up." We both laughed because it's so true. My dad is such a homebody. It doesn't matter how comfortable our amenities are here. He wants HIS chair, HIS TV, HIS shop, HIS shower, etc. Missy, Chuck, and Olivia stayed at a hotel and I think they got a little cranky from all the hustle and bustle of doing things. They like to move at their own speed and it's definitely a different speed than the rest of us! But my mom just rolls with the punches and she enjoys being around me and Norm and the boys. It's just so nice and laid back with her. Plus she likes to take me shopping. :)
Norm has decided to teach the boys to ski this year. I'm so happy he is pushing them and encouraging them. They have already gone 3 times since Christmas and they're loving it! Blake is a bit more of a natural. Norm compares Holt's form to that of a scarecrow. It's kind of funny. They're going again in a week or two. One of these days after the baby is born I will venture out and go with them and hang out at the chalet with baby while they ski. Also, tonight as a matter of fact, we start piano lessons for Holt. He's pretty excited and I think he'll do really good as he is a natural musically. And then Blake starts wrestling soon. And they're both doing 4H as of this year. We tried Cub Scouts last year and they really weren't enjoying it at all. But they seem to love 4H because it gives them the freedom to dabble in their own areas of interest more. In a few weeks they're going to participate in the Creative Arts Festival. Blake is going to draw a poster with some sort of message and also say the Pledge of Allegiance. Holt is going to do a presentation on prairie dogs. And my friend Emily, whose daughter Varah is also in 4H, has offered to take them since it's a day after my due date. :)
That's the latest and greatest. Here is a picture from Christmas morning:
I am two and a half weeks away from my due date. I can't believe in less than a month we are going to have another baby! It still seems surreal. I thought Norm and I would have come to grips with it all by now, but it still seems crazy that this is all happening. Going back and reading a bunch of posts from when Blake was born has helped me a ton, though. I now realize that I won't have the stress that I did when he was born. When Blake was born, Holt was only 20 months and Holt was my world. I struggled with having a baby and a toddler, and I also struggled with having to learn to balance my time between two children. Now Holt is 9 and Blake is 7 and they are self sufficient kids and level-headed. Not to mention they'll be at school all day so I'll have sufficient time to get to know this little girl that will be arriving soon. Have I mentioned that yet on here? We're having a girl! I have mixed emotions about this. I'm excited. I know I am going to treat her like a little dolly and dress her up all the time. I'm already coordinating outfits! But on the same token, it took awhile to get used to the idea of having a girl. I love boys. I love how simple they are. I love how when they argue they just duke it out and then they're over it. It's mostly in how we raise them and I'm hoping between me and Norm being somewhat practical, and having two older brothers, she'll be pretty well grounded. Physically I'm feeling great. This pregnancy has been the same as both pregnancies with the boys, I can just tell I'm nearly 10 years older this time around. Lol
The whole drama I went through 2 or 3 years ago with J seems like a lifetime ago. My life has changed and I have grown up some. We don't talk at all anymore and I avoid seeking him out even on Facebook. I want nothing to do with him. Not because I harbor any ill will toward him, it's just obviously healthier to stay as far away as possible. I do know that he ended up marrying the woman he moved in with in the summer of 2014. And I know that she has a past as well and that they ultimately decided their pasts didn't matter and they just wanted to move forward together. I'm happy for him and she sounds like a nice person. I hope he doesn't grow bored and make himself victim the way he ended up doing with his ex-wife, justifying his actions with other women. As far as that goes, I hope the same for me. I can't imagine ever going down that road again. It was so painful and unnecessary.
I AM letting go of some of the resentment I've held onto toward Norm through the years. Looking at the following paragraph, you'd think not but I am. It's just a slow process. But I'm realizing that, as much as he pisses me off at times, my life is better with him than without him. I do wish he had a more sensitive side sometimes. His latest thing is bragging about how he doesn't have feelings and how that's such a good thing. He says it doesn't mean that me having feelings is bad and that I shouldn't read it that way. He just believes that having a lot of feelings about things makes you react more. And apparently reacting is bad. Maybe he's right. Life would be a lot more simple if I didn't feel as much as I do. On Christmas day my family came up from Iowa. They stayed for a couple days. When they got here I had a beautiful dinner ready to go and the table set. And I looked nice as well, with my hair up and nice clothes on. When I sat down to eat, Norm purposely smashed his biscuit, with honey and butter on it, into my face. I got honey in my eyelashes and all through my hair. Everyone was speechless but the boys and Norm thought it was hilarious. It's just this kind of behavior that hurts my feelings. And it's usually preceded by 2 or 3 glasses of some form of liquor. I was quiet about it. I got up and went to the bathroom and washed myself off as best as I could. It was hard not to cry. It just really offended me. All I hear from everyone who knows him is how wonderful he is, how lucky I am to have him. I have never heard a mom dote on her son as much as his mom does to him. I wish my mom and dad talked me up that much. I'm not saying my parents don't love me, I know they do. But his family is always pointing out to everyone how wonderful their kids are. I am having to learn to not let it make me feel inferior. After all, nobody can make me feel inferior without my permission. And I have been giving my permission for far too long. I just feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. I feel like I get caught up in keeping track of his wrongdoings. I feel guilty about it so I stop, knowing full well it's wrong, and I decide to forgive and let it go. But then stuff keeps happening and everything I let go of comes boiling to the surface and it starts all over again. And yes, I talk to him and voice how I feel. But you can't change someone who doesn't see a problem in their actions. But then he'll turn around and do something incredibly nice, like rub my back for 30 minutes with no strings attached, and I immediately feel bad for being mad at him for something. It's a vicious circle, but it's just going to take some patience and stick-to-it-iveness on my end or something. So.....in a nutshell, Norm and I ARE doing better in some aspects. I won't go down the same dead end twice and make the same mistake, but I still feel like we have some issues here and there to work out. But who doesn't, right? Our relationship will never be the same, but that isn't necessarily bad. I think, through it all, we don't take each other for granted quite as much as we used to. We are just two stubborn people who really struggle to understand each other. But if he loves me enough to not give up on me, then I owe him the same and I love him just for merely loving ME that much.
Christmas was so awesome. I love how magical Christmas is to me, and that our kids feel the same way. I told the boys on Labor Day already that Santa and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was to have a Christmas without having to worry about Santa!! It truly was a stressful thing to pull off each year! The boys weren't too disappointed and they certainly didn't end up deprived of presents because of it. My family came up on Christmas day, as I mentioned earlier. It was so awesome to have them here. I miss my mom coming up so much. She's getting older and it's less appealing to drive that much by herself. I get that. She will be coming up a week or two after the baby is born. I'm really looking forward to it. I pulled her aside at one point a couple weeks ago and told her "I think we're all better off with just you coming up." We both laughed because it's so true. My dad is such a homebody. It doesn't matter how comfortable our amenities are here. He wants HIS chair, HIS TV, HIS shop, HIS shower, etc. Missy, Chuck, and Olivia stayed at a hotel and I think they got a little cranky from all the hustle and bustle of doing things. They like to move at their own speed and it's definitely a different speed than the rest of us! But my mom just rolls with the punches and she enjoys being around me and Norm and the boys. It's just so nice and laid back with her. Plus she likes to take me shopping. :)
Norm has decided to teach the boys to ski this year. I'm so happy he is pushing them and encouraging them. They have already gone 3 times since Christmas and they're loving it! Blake is a bit more of a natural. Norm compares Holt's form to that of a scarecrow. It's kind of funny. They're going again in a week or two. One of these days after the baby is born I will venture out and go with them and hang out at the chalet with baby while they ski. Also, tonight as a matter of fact, we start piano lessons for Holt. He's pretty excited and I think he'll do really good as he is a natural musically. And then Blake starts wrestling soon. And they're both doing 4H as of this year. We tried Cub Scouts last year and they really weren't enjoying it at all. But they seem to love 4H because it gives them the freedom to dabble in their own areas of interest more. In a few weeks they're going to participate in the Creative Arts Festival. Blake is going to draw a poster with some sort of message and also say the Pledge of Allegiance. Holt is going to do a presentation on prairie dogs. And my friend Emily, whose daughter Varah is also in 4H, has offered to take them since it's a day after my due date. :)
That's the latest and greatest. Here is a picture from Christmas morning: