depressed...
been a while since my last entry again. lots has happened. holidays came and went. they were great. things are still wonderful with jamie. in fact, i proposed to her. the day before new year's eve. went out, got her a ring, wrote her a letter, and asked her to marry me. she said yes and we cried and hugged and kissed. told each other how much we love each other and how happy we were and how we couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. i told my whole family, my closest friends, even my coworkers. everyone was so happy and excited for us. we got congratulations all around. :) jamie told her sister. her sister said congrats...and then asked if she was gonna tell her parents. jamie's parents are still trying to adjust to the fact that she's gay and has been having a serious relationship with me. so jamie decided she didn't want to ruin the moment by telling her parents, knowing that their reaction probably wouldn't be too happy. few days went by...maybe a couple of weeks, i dunno. her mom saw jamie's status changed to engaged on facebook. she called her sister real upset to confirm what she saw. jackie told her yes we were engaged and that she knew about it. her mom hung up, threw up, then had a smoke (which she hadn't done in months). needless to say, jackie called jamie in a panic about it all, which of course upset jamie. and thus the drama began...and here i am, frustrated and upset.
jamie and i had a bad night last night. all this has been eating away at me for a while now. it took her parents almost a year before they even met me. the few times that i've been around them has been ok, but awkward. i feel like they are genuinely polite and nice to me, but i can't help but wonder what they really think of me. it kills me. my family has been the complete opposite. they ADORE jamie. they ask about her all the time. they've taken her in as part of our family. they include her in all our activities together. i don't get any of that with jamie's fam. and it wouldn't hurt me so bad if they weren't such a big part of her life. she's very close to her mother and sister. and yeah her sister's been cool about everything. but i dunno how much of it is sincere. i know she's happy for jamie cuz jamie's happy with me. but does she even like me? she seems to make a bit of an effort at least. but i feel like she's more caught up in her own life. whenever she calls to talk to jamie, they talk for a while, but i don't think she ever asks about me. jamie just brings me up in conversation. i talk to my family and one of the first things they ask is, "how's Jamie? tell her i said hi!". am i being stupid for wanting to feel included? or am i just paranoid cuz her family is so different from mine? is it jealousy because i feel like i'm almost non-existent when jamie's around her family or talking to them? i have no idea. i'm just feeling shitty right now and was hoping that writing it all out would make me feel better. but so far it's not helping much. i can't even say any of this to jamie. i tried telling her how i felt last night and she didn't like it at all. in fact, she kinda shut down on me. so i apologized for upsetting her and didn't press the issue. but neither of us got much sleep last night. and we're both obviously still upset about it all today. *sigh* i guess it'll blow over. i'm just gonna have to accept that this is how it'll be. they've got their own little family dynamic going and i feel like i only get in the way of that. so i'll grin and bear it...maybe it'll get better.
jamie and i had a bad night last night. all this has been eating away at me for a while now. it took her parents almost a year before they even met me. the few times that i've been around them has been ok, but awkward. i feel like they are genuinely polite and nice to me, but i can't help but wonder what they really think of me. it kills me. my family has been the complete opposite. they ADORE jamie. they ask about her all the time. they've taken her in as part of our family. they include her in all our activities together. i don't get any of that with jamie's fam. and it wouldn't hurt me so bad if they weren't such a big part of her life. she's very close to her mother and sister. and yeah her sister's been cool about everything. but i dunno how much of it is sincere. i know she's happy for jamie cuz jamie's happy with me. but does she even like me? she seems to make a bit of an effort at least. but i feel like she's more caught up in her own life. whenever she calls to talk to jamie, they talk for a while, but i don't think she ever asks about me. jamie just brings me up in conversation. i talk to my family and one of the first things they ask is, "how's Jamie? tell her i said hi!". am i being stupid for wanting to feel included? or am i just paranoid cuz her family is so different from mine? is it jealousy because i feel like i'm almost non-existent when jamie's around her family or talking to them? i have no idea. i'm just feeling shitty right now and was hoping that writing it all out would make me feel better. but so far it's not helping much. i can't even say any of this to jamie. i tried telling her how i felt last night and she didn't like it at all. in fact, she kinda shut down on me. so i apologized for upsetting her and didn't press the issue. but neither of us got much sleep last night. and we're both obviously still upset about it all today. *sigh* i guess it'll blow over. i'm just gonna have to accept that this is how it'll be. they've got their own little family dynamic going and i feel like i only get in the way of that. so i'll grin and bear it...maybe it'll get better.