(no subject)
I think I'm struggling with depression. That's a tough realisation for someone like me to make. I've felt a cloud over me when I was a teen or in my early 20s, but for so many years I've been light and sunshine. Too happy if anything.
But since I've returned from holidays, I haven't felt that same sparkle. Of course life's been stressful, with Steve in hospital, but it's been more than that. Crushing on a guy is so much fun, but it's the only thing that's been fun. The ordinary things that usually give me pleasure, my house, cooking meals, my work, my husband ... I've felt numb. I haven't been happy to come back to any of them. I'm set to go to skating tonight but I don't want to ... I'm pushing myself because I reason that the endorphins will do me good. I thought at first that the reason things were out of balance is because Steve had been so snappy and ill-tempered and focused on things outside our relationship for so long. If he just went back to being an attentive husband I could put my focus back on him. But he has been, and I'm still numb, so there's got to be more to it. The temptation to just burn the whole thing to the ground, to just bust out of everything I've built and worked hard for and leave it behind ... but then I'd still have me. "And I can't get myself to go away," in the immortal words of Matchbox Twenty.
I'm not sure anyone even reads Livejournal any more. There's a certain comfort in that ... the ability to process without needing to engage or reveal too much of yourself to anyone. I remember when I used to be such an open book, but lately I'm feeling very closed off.
But since I've returned from holidays, I haven't felt that same sparkle. Of course life's been stressful, with Steve in hospital, but it's been more than that. Crushing on a guy is so much fun, but it's the only thing that's been fun. The ordinary things that usually give me pleasure, my house, cooking meals, my work, my husband ... I've felt numb. I haven't been happy to come back to any of them. I'm set to go to skating tonight but I don't want to ... I'm pushing myself because I reason that the endorphins will do me good. I thought at first that the reason things were out of balance is because Steve had been so snappy and ill-tempered and focused on things outside our relationship for so long. If he just went back to being an attentive husband I could put my focus back on him. But he has been, and I'm still numb, so there's got to be more to it. The temptation to just burn the whole thing to the ground, to just bust out of everything I've built and worked hard for and leave it behind ... but then I'd still have me. "And I can't get myself to go away," in the immortal words of Matchbox Twenty.
I'm not sure anyone even reads Livejournal any more. There's a certain comfort in that ... the ability to process without needing to engage or reveal too much of yourself to anyone. I remember when I used to be such an open book, but lately I'm feeling very closed off.