(no subject)
i get so angry that nothing ever changes between them. mom and andrew fight all the time, mom always cries and andrew always storms off. andrew left for a long time after the last fight, he just walked out. i don't know where he went, but he wasn't at any of his friends' houses. mom just stood there and fumed, she hadn't gotten to the crying point yet. i don't know what triggers these fights, i do my best to stay away from the two of them. i remember a fight two years ago when andrew slammed the door and tore apart his room and mom just kept pounding her fist against the door and screamed YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE! this one reminded me of that fight. that was two years ago, nothing changed in two years! dad's hair is grayer and he changed jobs but mom is still trying to lose weight and andrew still wants to get the fuck out of here and kelly is still the stability of all of us and i have no clue where i fit in. i wish i knew. maybe i could help them, then. i think that i am just pulling away. there are days that i don't talk to mom, weeks when i don't talk to dad. i talk to andrew because i drive him to school, but it is usually him ranting about mom. kelly and shaan have been out all day. i wish shaan could stay longer, he is funny. i hope kelly marries him. i can't imagine what would happen if they broke up.
christmas was a disaster. andrew and mom spiraled into self-pity. andrew "didn't get anything he wanted" but, then again, he didn't get gifts for anyone. mom is starting to become controlling by trying to take guilt in any situation. "Oh, it's me then, i guess it's me. No, no, i should have known (cue tears) i just don't understand why he treats me like this!"
but things never change. this is how it's been for as long as i can remember, it's just that we're all together for nine days straight that's escalating this.
mom and andrew had gotten into another fight on christmas eve when andrew supposedly claimed, "you NEVER do ANYTHING!" andrew made me sit between him and mom on the way to christopher's grave and they fought over me and all i could do was sit there when mom started crying. i couldn't do anything to help her because she gets angry when i try to touch her sometimes. she just put her sunglasses on and said, "i just wish there was something i could do for you." and andrew watched a movie on the car's dvd player.
but it all got erased in the cemetary. as bad as their fights are, they're always forgotten. mom cried when we finally found him. "christopher james michael bohri." i wonder what it's like to bury something so small as a baby? if he were alive, would he help me control mom and andrew? an older brother would be nice, i guess.
but it still infuriates me that nothing is ever resolved or changed. after the cemetary, we went to my aunt's house and i got to listen in on her fight with my cousin.
i am tired of christmas. i want to be alone. i don't want to go back to school ever.
christmas was a disaster. andrew and mom spiraled into self-pity. andrew "didn't get anything he wanted" but, then again, he didn't get gifts for anyone. mom is starting to become controlling by trying to take guilt in any situation. "Oh, it's me then, i guess it's me. No, no, i should have known (cue tears) i just don't understand why he treats me like this!"
but things never change. this is how it's been for as long as i can remember, it's just that we're all together for nine days straight that's escalating this.
mom and andrew had gotten into another fight on christmas eve when andrew supposedly claimed, "you NEVER do ANYTHING!" andrew made me sit between him and mom on the way to christopher's grave and they fought over me and all i could do was sit there when mom started crying. i couldn't do anything to help her because she gets angry when i try to touch her sometimes. she just put her sunglasses on and said, "i just wish there was something i could do for you." and andrew watched a movie on the car's dvd player.
but it all got erased in the cemetary. as bad as their fights are, they're always forgotten. mom cried when we finally found him. "christopher james michael bohri." i wonder what it's like to bury something so small as a baby? if he were alive, would he help me control mom and andrew? an older brother would be nice, i guess.
but it still infuriates me that nothing is ever resolved or changed. after the cemetary, we went to my aunt's house and i got to listen in on her fight with my cousin.
i am tired of christmas. i want to be alone. i don't want to go back to school ever.