there's nothing i can say to make you try and feel ok

[purplethistles]

i will receive a letter tomorrow. i'm looking forward to it, it will be the highlight of tomorrow. the letters are the best. of course, the phone conversations are nice, but they can't be saved and revisited. the emails are nice, but handwriting and care is nicer. the thought, "he touched this" is nicer. as much as i valued all the bits of himself he's sent me, i value them even more now. if all our communication was solely through the telephone or email, i don't think i would have been as sane as i was while he was in the hospital. the letters held me up. i was surprised, shocked, at how delicate we were. some automatic door to the emergency room closed and snapped the thin wire that connected us. i thought maybe he was dead, i thought maybe the hospital decided to keep him forever, i thought that maybe he decided that he didn't want to hear from me anymore. these were among the most rational thoughts i could form. at least he has a diagnosis now. at least he's not suicidal anymore. i can't be next to him to stop him from anything, even if we lived next to eachother i wouldn't be able to really do anything to stop him if he put his mind to it, but 14 hours away from eachother? it's so difficult.

he is ok now, a little loopy from medication and a little dizzy and on medical leave of absence for the semester, but ok and stabilizing.

"And I'm glad that I didn't lose your respect! Hopefully I will never
lose that.

You know what...

You're beautiful."

i miss him.