In this silent hour...
have you ever felt so angry you can't express you feel so suppressed and all you want to do is cry?
it's been a very very very long time that i've ever felt this angry - today.
i usually don't scream in public, i did. i dont like screaming on the phone, but i did. i've never gotten so angry that i wanted to cry, in public. i never felt this angry, i wanted to throw my cellphone down. i never felt this horrid that for that moment i tell myself i'm never gonna speak to this person ever again.
today was really a test on my patience, my heart.
actually, i've always felt the past one year plus was a test for us: in every aspect. self-control, love, patience, faithfulness, trust.
i hope we grow from it because it seems (from my human eye) like we're not. but i hope it's God's subtle work in us.& we'll reap the fruits in His right and perfect timing. Through His lenses, nothing happens without a reason.
for now, i want to grow more in You and in the fruits of the spirit - really. not just lip service. it's tough work; i've tasted and know. how hard it is to embrace and swallow things even in the fit of anger. to curb anger. to be patient. i can stand up today and say it's not easy.
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, & self-control.
let Your words never depart from my mouth.
i sweat, i cry, i hurt: all for the better of me, being a better person in You. moulding is painful.
--
best thing that made me smile today was getting a A grade for our management comms presentation two weeks ago. we topped the class! and and, one of the guest-marker for our class is a friend of my team-mate. he complimented the way i presented and said i was probably the reason why my team Aced. i was greatly flattered, and truly humbled because it's all thanks to the brutally honest evaluation on each other during our rehearsals that helped us all improve as a team. it is really a motivation for me to work hard on my next solo-speech. we put in a lot of effort & i'm really proud of us!
getting a good grade for this module really is a big relieve. i've been feeling worried about my modules this semester. i am not really doing well because i feel i'm only doing mediocre for most modules, and my BGS is almost goneCASE with 35% class-participation. &&! i can count the number of times i spoke with my fingers. i'm worried. it's so hard to speak up in a class with all the bright law students and witty people. i feel so inferior. and our research paper: it's giving me a hard time. our first proposal was rejected. we redid. the second one also had some problems. the final presentation with external judges + research paper is due in three weeks. i secretly wished i dropped the module in week 2, or at least last week. somehow i feel getting a W on my cert is better than a C which is highly capable of pulling my poor gpa. now i dont have a choice, but to drop these thoughts.
talk about giving up. i was just reflecting about today & letting all that had happened lately sink into me, including my tough BGS module. i realised i've been having a tendency to want to give up when the going gets tough. not that it is always wrong to give up. but as i look back, God carried me through tough times when i wanted very much to give up on relationships, people, and on school work. but, he didnt bring me straight into green pastures. instead, he placed me now in a battle field to fight these things. i don't know why i am here, and i dont know how to fight it. but the fact that i didn't give up then, allow me to now stand at this crossroad. having to, face the giant. rather, giants. there are far too many giants in life.
but, i know i am not alone.
i don't know if i'm pushing away my ministry. God, i need a lot of Godly wisdom, time management, and joy in this hard time. really. i don't even have room in my head to worry about my examinations coming in less than a month.
it's been a very very very long time that i've ever felt this angry - today.
i usually don't scream in public, i did. i dont like screaming on the phone, but i did. i've never gotten so angry that i wanted to cry, in public. i never felt this angry, i wanted to throw my cellphone down. i never felt this horrid that for that moment i tell myself i'm never gonna speak to this person ever again.
today was really a test on my patience, my heart.
actually, i've always felt the past one year plus was a test for us: in every aspect. self-control, love, patience, faithfulness, trust.
i hope we grow from it because it seems (from my human eye) like we're not. but i hope it's God's subtle work in us.& we'll reap the fruits in His right and perfect timing. Through His lenses, nothing happens without a reason.
for now, i want to grow more in You and in the fruits of the spirit - really. not just lip service. it's tough work; i've tasted and know. how hard it is to embrace and swallow things even in the fit of anger. to curb anger. to be patient. i can stand up today and say it's not easy.
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, & self-control.
let Your words never depart from my mouth.
i sweat, i cry, i hurt: all for the better of me, being a better person in You. moulding is painful.
--
best thing that made me smile today was getting a A grade for our management comms presentation two weeks ago. we topped the class! and and, one of the guest-marker for our class is a friend of my team-mate. he complimented the way i presented and said i was probably the reason why my team Aced. i was greatly flattered, and truly humbled because it's all thanks to the brutally honest evaluation on each other during our rehearsals that helped us all improve as a team. it is really a motivation for me to work hard on my next solo-speech. we put in a lot of effort & i'm really proud of us!
getting a good grade for this module really is a big relieve. i've been feeling worried about my modules this semester. i am not really doing well because i feel i'm only doing mediocre for most modules, and my BGS is almost goneCASE with 35% class-participation. &&! i can count the number of times i spoke with my fingers. i'm worried. it's so hard to speak up in a class with all the bright law students and witty people. i feel so inferior. and our research paper: it's giving me a hard time. our first proposal was rejected. we redid. the second one also had some problems. the final presentation with external judges + research paper is due in three weeks. i secretly wished i dropped the module in week 2, or at least last week. somehow i feel getting a W on my cert is better than a C which is highly capable of pulling my poor gpa. now i dont have a choice, but to drop these thoughts.
talk about giving up. i was just reflecting about today & letting all that had happened lately sink into me, including my tough BGS module. i realised i've been having a tendency to want to give up when the going gets tough. not that it is always wrong to give up. but as i look back, God carried me through tough times when i wanted very much to give up on relationships, people, and on school work. but, he didnt bring me straight into green pastures. instead, he placed me now in a battle field to fight these things. i don't know why i am here, and i dont know how to fight it. but the fact that i didn't give up then, allow me to now stand at this crossroad. having to, face the giant. rather, giants. there are far too many giants in life.
but, i know i am not alone.
i don't know if i'm pushing away my ministry. God, i need a lot of Godly wisdom, time management, and joy in this hard time. really. i don't even have room in my head to worry about my examinations coming in less than a month.