Hit it where it hurts
It's weird. Like I almost have no control over myself. Like I'm addicted, and I'll do almost anything to be validated, to be acknowledged. But I have to fight that or else I'm just as bad as any heroin junkie. I have to strike the root of my instability. For a few weeks now, I've really wanted to run into the forest with a mentor type figure where I can really learn how to live. I want to learn the basics. That sounds right. Maybe I'm so unstable because I have no or little foundation, but instead I am built up on increasingly complicated supports (rules, thought patterns, etc.). When just a few can no longer stand the pressure, the whole thing collapses into one gigantic emotional mess. I need to find out who I really am. I don't even know if I am who I say I am, who I want to be, how others want me to be, how others perceive me, or how I perceive myself. Maybe I'll discover underneath the complication that there is nothing there. I'm so scared, frightened of myself and of my thoughts and why I have so little self control. I need a foundation. I need to set my feet in the ground. In the ground. Sinking. Deep and comfortable. No harm. Loved by the earth in a never ending embrace. I need to find love for myself, no one else can, and no one else will if I don't.