(no subject)
it's been such a strange few months.
i think things are getting better, which feels odd to say. I have been so certain things would just get progressively worse. The news is overwhelming still but I've learned boundaries for consumption of it so it has been weighing on me less.
i have been absolutely addicted to hiking. i cant believe that at the start of 2020, i could barely walk a mile. it hurt. i was tired, achey. i hated it. i didn't enjoy being outside. for some reason, i kept doing it despite that. i guess there wasn't a whole hell of a lot else to do circa spring 2020, but i'm glad i pushed through that pain. it's weird because i dont think ive lost weight, but thats okay.
i used to hate myself so much at the end of the day if i ate "poorly" and rag on myself and promise id change. but now, i just eat when im hungry. i eat what i feel like eating. sometimes its nutrient dense, sometimes less so. sure, i would love to be thin. it'd make just about everything in life easier, really. but it's not everything. learning not to berate myself and learning to move in ways i enjoy has been essential.
god, i cannot imagine going to the gym. holy crap what misery that is. being outside, climbing hills and stepping up and over rocks and roots and feeling loose dirt squishing under each step and breathing in forest air and seeing deer and listening to leaves crunch... sooo much better.
it's really become an addiction and this happens every fall and winter because it's just easier and nicer to hike in cool air. but the weird thing is, even when my milage is less in summer, i havent stopped. its been almost 4 years of this and its something ive fully committed to.
but now, im ready for harder challenges. ive been hyper consuming these solo hiking solo camping videos. im no where near ready for some of that craziness but maybe i will be someday. for now i want to figure out a solo trip to the mountains with bandit.
also, sometimes i think about the fact that i own a house. i feel like thats freaking nuts. i never quite pictured myself in this situation but here we are. i love it so much. i just wish my bathroom was a bit bigger but hey, it's mine.
everything is changing again and im so ready for it. i feel this huge weight off my shoulders for making these changes with work holy smokes. its going to be so much better. im going to have consistency more which is nice.
and ive started putting the effort in to make friends. i spent the past few years having just a couple. ive gotten quite close to kayla, which i never really expected either but shes been so so so good to me and its really weird to see what a good friend actually looks like. ive stayed pretty close with jessi, too. and adreanna ad sorin have been so great and i just need to see them more. and now ive opened myself to more, and its terrifying but its been nice. nothing too serious yet, but i feel like i'm getting there.
i think i had a really hard couple years. some good things happened but i blamed myself for a lot of things and im starting to see through the fog. and for the first time in years im excited for christmas? this is huge. i just hope seasonal depression stays away this year because it was so awful.
anyway, im going to go watch some new girl and gilmore girls with shan and get to bed early.
huge hike tomorrow with a group !! it is quite amazing that ive got so many people hiking now. i still really value solo hikes, when i can really challenge myself, but theres soemthing about these group ones that has been so lovely.