(no subject)
Holy smokes.
I was prompted to look at my old Livejournal circa 2004-2007 this week after talking to this girl and finding out we ran in the same emo-kid circle and man I went down the rabbit hole.
I used to be so involved and so outgoing. Every entry was happy go lucky and me looking for someone to hang out with and it was like... I always had someone to hang out with. I had all the leaders and then a small group at school in 9th grade. I mean I was very much cringey and judgmental, especially when it came to drinking and such (I was so v. Straight Edge Core), but I had friends and a big social life and I was heavily involved in so many clubs and activities.
Obviously life creates changes and people drift apart and we mature and evolve over time, but it was pretty interesting to see how... different I was from 9th grade to 12th grade. I haven't dug into this one too much yet, but it was kind of sad, really. It was kind of sad to see the life getting slowly sucked out of me. Walking on egg shells for years.
Anyway, I can't even believe I remembered the password to this because I thought it was gone and it was attached to my URI email which I guess they finally deleted 12+ years later. I changed it so I won't lose access.
Kinda crazy I have had a livejournal since way back when. I don't use it anymore and no one else does, either. It was kinda funny to see how we used it almost like an early form of Facebook or Instagram in that we'd follow our friends and literally post things to our friends on there. I was always posting things, looking for someone to hang with and would get responses and make plans. So odd. I feel like it was more innocent than Facebook for sure.
I wish I could delete all of my socials, but alas the businesses do not allow for that. It's just better for mental health for sure.
I had a hard year, though. Honestly, it's like everyone has had a hard year. Everyone I've been talking to pretty much has had either some depression or some more very serious things happening. It's got to be a result of the pandemic and everyone simultaneously having a lot more time to think and re-evaluate and then add to that that we all went through a pretty intense thing with the pandemic plus the political discourse in this country... idk.
I know for me... Well, I started the year with beginning therapy. I wasn't too sure about my therapist at first. I told her things. But its gotten better and better and easier. I've cried a whole lot in therapy too. I think the biggest thing that has been contributing to my own depression is opening up old wounds and talking about it a lot a lot a lot in therapy but also with my family and friends. And then even digging deeper now...
I guess it's just been really, really nice to know that I'm not crazy and that there was nothing differently I could have ever done. I tried so fucking hard but I wasn't good enough. Ever. And that has definitely played into that feeling that has lingered. Nothing is ever good enough. I bent my personality, changed who i was...
Quitting the clutch of marijuana to numb myself a bit has helped so much, too. I just want to get my sleep straightened out. I went from sleeping too much because of it to having some trouble falling and staying asleep. Hopefully my body just needs to adjust. I donno.
Anyway.
I might take a throw class soon. I really have always wanted to do it and just never did. Reading my old livejournal and seeing how involved I was, how easily I made friends, and how excited I was to be creative has inspired me.
I read recently that your 30s are for embracing the things you loved and did when you were a younger teen but this time without any restraints/embarrassment/shame that comes with being a teen sometimes. So maybe that is what I need to do next.
I'm going away for the first time since 2019 and quite honestly I am very much anxious about it. As much as I know I need to travel again, and to get away from everything, I just would prefer not to get Covid again and I know the risks with it are higher. I got the new vaccine on Tuesday, though, so hopefully that is protective enough to stave off anything. Either way, I have to live in this world now. None of us have a choice with that. And I need to travel and get away for my mental health and also just to inspire my creativity again. So, hopefully that helps a lot.
Also, my GOD how did I spend so long without going to cafes regularly like I used to? My productivity has skyrocketed there. I feel a lot better about things, especially the big changes coming.
I have to put my bedding in the dryer. I finally started cleaning my depression mess and it feels good. Owning a house is hard. I knew it would be, but I think I underestimated some things. I do everything myself. It would be nice if I had someone who could help, but I'm not sure if I want to live with anyone in *this* house. Maybe another house. But I love this house so much, and I would be very much hesitant to give it up, I think. Anyway, I dont have to worry about that now.
I am just grateful I got my house when I did. Jessi and Ryan were looking at a place at the same price point, but their mortgage would be $1000 more a month. Not cool. I fucking hate inflation and interest. Such a scam. Honestly, I've been really looking at moving abroad but I probably won't for a while. Though, escaping an election year is tempting. I am *not ready.* 2020 was the worst and I just don't need that anxiety. I don't think anyone does.
I am so so so tired today. Went hiking with Kayla, Sorin, and Betty. And Bandit & dog Betty. We've been going together a lot this week, which is really nice. I hope Adriana joins soon, too. I want them in my life more because they're so sweet, so understanding, so comforting. And I'm also just really glad they have each other, too.
Tonight is football, but it's not very interesting. Sundays are pretty much the only day I really enjoy watching it, after the long morning Sunday hikes. I think this Sunday we were considering doing Carrs but Sorin prob can't go and Betty might have to go to a game and Kayla doesn't like going with a small group to that place... I need to find more dog-friendly trails to explore. God, I really love hiking? I never expected to, especially when I first started at the start of covid. It was HARD then. I hadn't moved my body much in a while at that time, especially not outside in the woods, climbing hills and rocks and roots. Summer is always a bit of a setback but I am stronger and stronger every day. I can't wait to do the harder paths. Once the weather's a bit cooler, Bandit will tolerate it better too.
My therapist tells me to write more. I keep thinking I'll start a blog of sorts, but I guess this is okay. I am also ready to start writing again. I am good at it, I know I am, and I have stories in my head. It's just the depression and focus this year has made it all so hard. But I am getting better. I'm hesitant to say that but I can feel it. Hopefully this winter doesnt smack me in the face with seasonal depression as hard as it has in recent years. But goddamn I am in recovery? Is it fair to say that? I almost feel dramatic, but I've literally been talking about this all for months and months and my experiences have been validated and I've seen evidence of the truth and everything but it's still this natural inclination to blame myself, to think that it wasn't so bad.
but uh, yeah. it was fucking bad and i am not crazy and it wasnt my fault. i sometimes just need to remind myself of that.
anyway, i need to go make my bed up and i think i'll watch some gilmore girls and write with shan and hopefully get a lot of sleep. i have a haircut tomorrow followed by a flu shot. i might not get to hike as its supposed to rain but i guess we'll see how much it is raining...