(no subject)
so we're on the verge of world war iii and all i want to do is go to an ed sheeran concert and dance to 'shivers' with my girlfriends. like 5 of them.
while the world is having an existential crisis, gen z is sharing memes politely asking not to be drafted. i admire that generation. in my deep dive/special interest in late stage capitalism, anti-work, inequity, etc., i've realized just how perilously screwed millennials have been. like c'mon we were born of the generation that had parents who could buy houses on minimum wage salaries for 45k and have one parent stay home and could go to college for 2 years and become something. so naturally we were raised to believe the same but fast forward to 2022 and you can barely find a run down 2 bedroom for less than 300k and then have to pay 40k over asking to even be considered all while minimum wage has barely shifted and we all need side hustles on top of side hustles.
then we got to witness 3000 people die on tv at age 12 and war and racism and sexism and fat phobia. we grew up with diet culture and we're fatter than ever and we can't afford anything and the generation before us is all hur hur donald trump is a jesus and you can stop being a snowflake and work harder. now im rambling.
anyway, heard a great bit of news from a trusted epidemiologist that if we don't see drastic decreases in case numbers stay consistent by like september or so then covid will never go into the endemic stage aka leaving us to live in this dumpster fire of covid hell for the rest of eternity. im also mega sick of being gas lit about being covid cautious still and im so fucking pissed that no one is wearing a mask anymore. maybe we deserve a wwiii because we're so fucking stupid we couldn't solve a pandemic because half the population things wearing a piece of cloth over their face and receiving a shot is an infringement of their freedoms jfc.
i always heard that you become more conservative with age and i went through like a 2 week phase where i thought liberals were annoying when i was like 27 or so and was like oh wow here it comes im unfortunately going to be more conservative now. like i was dreading it and thought it was inevitable. but hello no i have free will and anyway that's all to say ive become a raging liberal who might vote third party next election because i know democrats are sucking too. we just needed bernie to win in 2016 and we'd be in a very different world right now. but alas.
so. wwiii.
also i think a huge part of this self actualization journey ive been on and deep dive into social justice issues is thanks in part in realizing my own internalized fat phobia and ableism and ace-phobia because i was scared of what it meant about me. i knew i wasnt normal. ive litearlly never been skinny. when i was like 4. can 4 year olds be skinny. anyway, i held out this insane hope that i'd be skinny someday no matter how many times i tried to lose weight and failed. i ignored the 95% statistic but that 95% isnt even entirely accurate because 1 in 124 women successfully lose weight long-term and that 1 usually winds up with a pretty bad relationship with food and disordered eating for the rest of her life. its just been... wow. i can love myself in this body? i think i was always waiting to be x weight to make new friends or x weight to travel here or x weight to chase this dream. and i just sat there and accomplished nothing because i was always waiting until i was skinny. i resented fat people who wore bikinis and loved their bodies because i knew i would never feel that way. it was really fucked up. i'd eat and have these crazy awful thoughts about blowing my brains out because i ate chicken fingers and chocolate or whatever. id agonize over it, berate myself, promise to never eat it again, and then keep doing it over and over. and then the internalized ableism of expecting neurodiversity to present in a specific way and no way could i be like that because i dont act like this 5 year old autistic boy. but what 20-30 something acts like a 5 year old nt boy? lorde. hold me closer.
imagine if i believed in god. i think that would make all this world ending situations going on easier to swallow. oh well.
i have been on the hospice side of tiktok and there are some interesting stories about people dying that remind me of tj klune's book and that makes me love him just a little more.
so my house closing was pushed back again and im irritated about it because i want to move in and distract myself with painting and renovating and doing things and then also have a place to ✨ write ✨ . but its okay. one week is still in the timeframe of a very very fast closing. im determined to make a room like a cafe with coffee smells and sounds and everything. the biggest mundane life thing ive been missing from pre-covid times is being able to sit in a cafe for many hours writing and being inspired.
so its getting late. i cant believe i followed the advice of that book and journaled my non-stop thoughts. im going to go watch a youtube video and go to bed.