What A Feeling
Why do I feel like this? I just want to sit here and cry my eyes out. What do people think of me? I feel like a big cry baby. I just have this emotion that wants to be let out. Last night I wanted to just scream for no particular reason. No its not PMS. I just haven't let out a good scream in forever. I want to hit a wall. Or hit someone for no reason at all. I don't know what is built up in me. But its built and needs to be let out. Maybe I am not being honest with myself. Am I hurt? Am I mad? Am I holding a grudge? Am I happy or sad? Right now all i feel is .... is.....I don't know. What is bugging me soo much that I need to hit someone? I'm upset cause once again he has put his family before me, I'm upset cause I can't help someone anymore than I have, I'm upset cause I get no help, I'm upset cause I am in debt, I am pissed cause my car is not running and i have to rely on other people. I'm not use to that. I am use to people relying on me. I've been thinking of my uncle lately and how he's coping with the loss of my aunt. i haven't gone to visit her. i use to all the time. and i feel so bad. i lost communication there. i've been thinking about my cousin and how we grew apart and don't talk anymore cause of the one incident. she's still on drugs with 3 kids and nowhere to be found. but i don't want anything to with her anymore. i want to help her but i don't at the same time. Does that make any sense? I have tears dwelling ready to fall down my face. But I won't let them cause I am at work. I have to smile and pretend like nothings wrong with me. I want to cry so bad but I won't. And that's why it builds up so much. Cause I can't let it out. There's too many things around me. How do I explain to someone why I am crying when I don't even know why myself? He calls. I don't answer. He calls again. Again I don't answer. He calls 5 min later. And I still won't answer cause i just know I will lose it. It's not him, it's me. I can't control this. He calls again and I finally answer cause I don't want any distance between us tonight. He compromises with me which doesn't matter to me but I almost lose it on the phone. My voice starts to quiver and my vision starts to blur. I say bye and hang up. I let one tear fall. But suck it up cause I'm at work. What is wrong with me? Why can't I control this feeling? What is tearing me up? I've been concentrating on work so that this feeling will go away, but it won't. I need to meditate, take karate lessons, do something. Hit something, kick something. i am now getting a headache. I have to go cause the more i write about this the more the tears want to flow.