(no subject)
i hate being all confused. ive been in love with brian for years now.. but i cant seem to get anything from that boy! it drives me nuts! i dont knwo if i have a chance or anything. when i asked him liek a month ago, he said he was seeing someone. then a week later my friend asked him if he was seeing someone and he said no... so i dunno. and then stephanie said when she hangs out with him or see him shell drop hints or my name around him nonchalantly... and it obviously has been working because now hes asking about me and stuff. and she said that when she asked him if was going to this thing that we are all going to.. he asked if i was going, she said yes and he said that hes going. so that makes me feel like i have a chance and he might actually like me.. but then i talk to jill and she tells me that whenever they are online they talk alot and he always responds to her emails all quickstyle.. that since he doesnt do it with me, he must not like me.. im the only one i know of that he doesnt talk to online.. i know its a lame thing to feel crappy about, but i do. so then i think i prolly dont have a chance and he doesnt like me. so i get all confused. and when i see him i get mixed signals all the time. one day before i notice that hes even there, hell come up to me and say hi and give me a huge hug and call me his wife, but the next day ill see him and say hi and ill get a hand in the air.. not even a wave, just a hand. but i cant get over him at all.... ive turned down some great people becuz of it too.. both mary and chris have told me they liked me.. and i like them too.. but everytime i think of being with them something inside my head says "no, what if brian does like you, either he wont tell you becuz your already with someone, or youll have to dump them becuz of brian" so i dunno.. i hate that. i hate that i turn down some really great people becuz of him. i hate that no matter what i do i cant stop thinking about him. i hate that i cry myself to sleep sometimes becuz of him. i hate that i cant help but smile when i think of him. i hate that i melt when i see him smiling. i hate that he has the cutest butt. i hate that hes soo beautiful. i hate that he gives the greatest hugs. i hate that he calls me his wife but doesnt mean it. i hate that id do anything for him. i hate that when im choking he gives me his water. i hate that when im sick he asks if im ok. i hate the way he laughs so adorably. i hate the way his hair flops so perfectly on his face. i hate the way he makes me laugh when he dances. i hate the way i catch him staring at me sometimes when he was performing. i hate that hes so loveable. i hate that i love him. i hate that i hate him................................................................................................................................................................