closure
The ex:
Last night I dreamed about my ex. I asked him if he was happy, he said yes. I replied that's all I ever wanted for you.
The exbf:
It has taken me a long time to recognize that I put up with a lot of shit from the exbf. He lied to me, both about the openness of his primary relationship and about one of his other girls. I never really felt I could confront him on it, either. His anger was always boiling just under the surface and it scared me. I told myself that I was getting what I wanted from him, but once he moved in, that wasn't true at all. I wanted a relationship; he wanted a place to stay and an occasional (very occasional) booty call. From the first, I was left wanting more. All his lying and evasion were very wearing -- it does not surprise me anymore that I broke under it. Viewing this from a distance, I have finally forgiven myself for how it ended and accepted that if I don't want something like this to happen again, I have to be very clear about what I want and not tolerate anything less than that.
Why am I still thinking about all this old history? I have to make peace with the past to go whole-heartedly into the future. As I contemplate my situation with R, I have to admit that what I have now is what I was looking for all along. A partner who carries his share of the relationship; a lover who meets my desires with his own; someone I can tell anything (we have certainly confronted the worst in both of us); someone who brings me peace.
Last night I dreamed about my ex. I asked him if he was happy, he said yes. I replied that's all I ever wanted for you.
The exbf:
It has taken me a long time to recognize that I put up with a lot of shit from the exbf. He lied to me, both about the openness of his primary relationship and about one of his other girls. I never really felt I could confront him on it, either. His anger was always boiling just under the surface and it scared me. I told myself that I was getting what I wanted from him, but once he moved in, that wasn't true at all. I wanted a relationship; he wanted a place to stay and an occasional (very occasional) booty call. From the first, I was left wanting more. All his lying and evasion were very wearing -- it does not surprise me anymore that I broke under it. Viewing this from a distance, I have finally forgiven myself for how it ended and accepted that if I don't want something like this to happen again, I have to be very clear about what I want and not tolerate anything less than that.
Why am I still thinking about all this old history? I have to make peace with the past to go whole-heartedly into the future. As I contemplate my situation with R, I have to admit that what I have now is what I was looking for all along. A partner who carries his share of the relationship; a lover who meets my desires with his own; someone I can tell anything (we have certainly confronted the worst in both of us); someone who brings me peace.