Laziness, Nostalgia and Self-Exploration (or, Why I Need More Hobbies)
Today was one of those wonderful days where I got out of bed maybe 8 times, max. I've also been online now for over 12 hours, and during this time I wandered around the internet until I ended up watching a couple of my favourite films when I was little, being A Little Princess, and Harriet the Spy for anyone who's interested. For those of you who have not seen Harriet the Spy, it's about a girl who writes in a noteboook all the time. That reminded me of my diaries, because I decided to keep one after seeing the film. I started a diary on 01/01/01, and wrote in it faithfully every day until the start of last July, just over 7 1/2 years later. I stopped because it was to difficult to keep going, I was hanging out with friends all the time and missed the occasional day until I just stopped altogether. Anyway, out of interest I started reading the very first one, from 2001. I was in P7, and 11 years old. A lot of it is just boring day-to-day stuff, but some is more interesting. I was getting curious about things like sex and puberty, so that gets mentioned a few times and I can't help being amused by my total innocence. I also can't get over how young I sound. For example, one day I wrote 'Dear diary. Today was cool and I had fun at school and I got moved up a group in maths which is really good and mummy is proud of me. I did not feed my fish because I think they are dead.' I also wrote a fair bit about the ghosts that I used to 'see' in my room, and it sounds pretty fucking scary to be honest- 'Dear diary. Yesterday The Ghosts came again. One is a nice woman and one is a scary man. Mummy says I should pray to make them go away.'
Anyway, to get to the point I was wrong when I thought that I started having weight issues when I was thirteen, but apparently not. In October, a little before my twelfth birthday, I went through a phase of writing 'I am obece (sic)' at the end of every entry. Occasionally, 'I am obece. I want to die.' or 'I'm depressed because I'm so fat. I must lose weight.' Now, without wanting to point the finger of blame, I never felt worried about my weight until my mother started telling me I was too fat. I thought she hadn't started until I was about 13, but evidently I was only 11 when she started telling me to lose weight. 8 years later and that hasn't changed much. I do wonder though, what would've happened if she hadn't been constantly on my case about it from what I consider to be a fairly young age. It is something I worry about pretty much all the time, and I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with food. Of course, I'm not denying that peer pressure and self-image etc have an input in all this, but my mother certainly helped. I wonder if she had any idea what she was creating, at the age of 11?
Ok, I'll spare you the rest of this, it's not exactly relevant or interesting. It's just weird re-discovering your 11-year old self, and realising that you haven't changed all that much.
I wonder where I'll be in 8 years time from now?
Anyway, to get to the point I was wrong when I thought that I started having weight issues when I was thirteen, but apparently not. In October, a little before my twelfth birthday, I went through a phase of writing 'I am obece (sic)' at the end of every entry. Occasionally, 'I am obece. I want to die.' or 'I'm depressed because I'm so fat. I must lose weight.' Now, without wanting to point the finger of blame, I never felt worried about my weight until my mother started telling me I was too fat. I thought she hadn't started until I was about 13, but evidently I was only 11 when she started telling me to lose weight. 8 years later and that hasn't changed much. I do wonder though, what would've happened if she hadn't been constantly on my case about it from what I consider to be a fairly young age. It is something I worry about pretty much all the time, and I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with food. Of course, I'm not denying that peer pressure and self-image etc have an input in all this, but my mother certainly helped. I wonder if she had any idea what she was creating, at the age of 11?
Ok, I'll spare you the rest of this, it's not exactly relevant or interesting. It's just weird re-discovering your 11-year old self, and realising that you haven't changed all that much.
I wonder where I'll be in 8 years time from now?