Won't You Come See About Me
I'm so disgusted with myself. I shouldn't be do this to myself. Not at all. I know picking this topic for a dumb english paper was harmless enough, but did i have to start researching for it? Go to those old communities and see all those words that used to belong to me? Read those lives that so reflect who i was? Oh God it's like this screaming monster that is still somewhere in me woke up and start tearing around deep in my chest. Now i just want to cry. Right here in the library, all alone, just cry and cry and cry till it stops hurting.
I shouldn't be reacting like this, should i? I don't think i've ever really had to face this, to talk about it. It's been so long. It's been two whole years, probably a couple months over. I'm better, happy, healthy, I've got friends, Arialle, Megan, Tabie, Kacey, and I've got Matt, my precious beautiful Matt, right? I'm happy, I'm going to school, I'm doing well. I haven't even let this get close to me since Febuary. Feburary i had that one week where i thought i was going to lose and just get sick again. I was going to let go and just fall right back into that sick, dark, deep, unescapable hole. BUT i didn't and everythign has been perfect. Maybe it was a bad idea. Its just a english paper.
I hate being alone. It just makes this whole thing so much worse. i want to just scream! SCREAM!!!
This is so horrible. Everything is just going so crazy right now. Home is insane, everything seems to be tense to the power of 5 at all times, mom is on that medicine and now she's this depressed unhappy version of mom, not mom anymore, Holly rules everything and is always on my last nerve (Reality Holly: the world doesn't revolve around you and your life isn't the slighest bit bad! You have it made now shut the heck up!), Matt is distant and i only have few stolen hours with him every week (I just want to be married now and in our own house), dad is dad, school is good most days, I have friends (Kacey and Megan are great) but that has proven to be a confusing situation in itself thanks to certain comments, Arialle and me have lost what it is we were almost and i know this is what life will be like when she leaves, Tabie is getting married in less than two months and moving to Wisconsin, and then there's me.
Who am I? What should I be? I've lost myself among all this. Everything just hitting me so hard right now. I don't want to be alone in this, but i really don't have anyone. I'm so alone. I'm so...This is what i see in my head: I'm in this dark room just sitting on the cold floor, the walls are dark and black, the floor is like glass under my palms, the only thing i have is my ipod, but it will only play song that make everything hurt worse. Voice creep out from the shadows in the corners, hissing my fears and pain, laughing at my reaction. I can numb it out, but that makes the hissing laugh even more. My arms and legs are bare and things come out a whoosh around me cutting my exposed self and there is nothing there to stop the bleeding. All i can do is close my eyes and pretend it doesn't hurt. If i keep telling myself that it doesn't hurt, then it won't. It doesn't hurt, I'm not bleeding, this isn't happening.
What now....