(no subject)
From Margaret Cho's I'm The One That I Want:
"I don't want to be weary anymore. I don't want to be my own worst enemy anymore. When I tell myself I'm fat, that I have to work out, I've taken from myself the energy to go out and do it. I feel hurt, bled of life force, and then I must work with that deficit. I give up before I am through because I feel defeated before I even begin.
Self-hatred doesn't accomplish anything. It destroys everything it touches, comments upon, attacks, judges. No great deity is going to come to you, in those great moments of self-loathing, and rub the dirt from your rosy hobo cheeks and say, "Chin up! It's not so bad!" I think that was what I was always hoping for, that God would try to prove me wrong; if I hurt myself enough, God would try to stop it. As ridiculous as that sounds, I find that even know after admitting it, it is very hard to let go of that notion.
But I will if you will. Let's not hate ourselves. We are all we have. We cannot change anything until we accept that. I cannot do this alone. I don't love myself enough do to it alone, but I can do it if we have a pact, if I am keeping up my end of the bargain.
I have been a longtime perpetrator of hate crimes against myself, and I am turning myself in. I have had enough."
Hell. Fucking. Yes. The words ring so fucking true with me, it hurts. It astounds me. Especially the italicized paragraph, especially the last two sentences. I read that, stopped, thought about it, and realized that I have been thinking the same way for so long.
I told Kanabay once that I was waiting for my moment, the great epiphany, the "aha!" point where you finally whip yourself into shape, get on your own two feet, and go on with living the way you're supposed to. This was almost 3 years ago I told him this, but it's still true, even though I've always known that that isn't how it works. And neither is putting yourself down, in some secret hope that someone out there, something cosmic, will come along and prove to you, once and for all, that you are worthy of love and confidence and self-esteem and respect. It's not realistic...but at the same time, it's very, very hard to give up.
This is a great book, I'm probably going to buy it fairly soon. I saw Cho's sitcom, way back when, and it was the first TV show to make me laugh out loud. She's hysterical. But the book isn't all that funny, not in the way you'd expect a book written by a comedienne to be. It's a biography, and it's sad and touching and thoughtful, at the same time as having moments and descriptions that just make you laugh unexpectedly. It's not funny ha-ha, but it's very wise and lovely. I highly recommend it.
And I'll repeat her pact, her words: We are all we have. We cannot change anything until we accept that. I cannot do this alone. I don't love myself enough do to it alone, but I can do it if we have a pact, if I am keeping up my end of the bargain.
I will if you will.
"I don't want to be weary anymore. I don't want to be my own worst enemy anymore. When I tell myself I'm fat, that I have to work out, I've taken from myself the energy to go out and do it. I feel hurt, bled of life force, and then I must work with that deficit. I give up before I am through because I feel defeated before I even begin.
Self-hatred doesn't accomplish anything. It destroys everything it touches, comments upon, attacks, judges. No great deity is going to come to you, in those great moments of self-loathing, and rub the dirt from your rosy hobo cheeks and say, "Chin up! It's not so bad!" I think that was what I was always hoping for, that God would try to prove me wrong; if I hurt myself enough, God would try to stop it. As ridiculous as that sounds, I find that even know after admitting it, it is very hard to let go of that notion.
But I will if you will. Let's not hate ourselves. We are all we have. We cannot change anything until we accept that. I cannot do this alone. I don't love myself enough do to it alone, but I can do it if we have a pact, if I am keeping up my end of the bargain.
I have been a longtime perpetrator of hate crimes against myself, and I am turning myself in. I have had enough."
Hell. Fucking. Yes. The words ring so fucking true with me, it hurts. It astounds me. Especially the italicized paragraph, especially the last two sentences. I read that, stopped, thought about it, and realized that I have been thinking the same way for so long.
I told Kanabay once that I was waiting for my moment, the great epiphany, the "aha!" point where you finally whip yourself into shape, get on your own two feet, and go on with living the way you're supposed to. This was almost 3 years ago I told him this, but it's still true, even though I've always known that that isn't how it works. And neither is putting yourself down, in some secret hope that someone out there, something cosmic, will come along and prove to you, once and for all, that you are worthy of love and confidence and self-esteem and respect. It's not realistic...but at the same time, it's very, very hard to give up.
This is a great book, I'm probably going to buy it fairly soon. I saw Cho's sitcom, way back when, and it was the first TV show to make me laugh out loud. She's hysterical. But the book isn't all that funny, not in the way you'd expect a book written by a comedienne to be. It's a biography, and it's sad and touching and thoughtful, at the same time as having moments and descriptions that just make you laugh unexpectedly. It's not funny ha-ha, but it's very wise and lovely. I highly recommend it.
And I'll repeat her pact, her words: We are all we have. We cannot change anything until we accept that. I cannot do this alone. I don't love myself enough do to it alone, but I can do it if we have a pact, if I am keeping up my end of the bargain.
I will if you will.