freedom 2 miles ahead
i had a dream last night about him. him being... well him. no matter. him hadn't made an appearance in a dream in a long long time. which of course has me thinking/analyzing/thinkingsomemore. pretty sure it's because i went to bed thinking about my birthday coming up and bestie#2, bestie#2's hubby and my plans for a trip to denver for a weekend of kidless/mindless self indulgence. and deep down in my screwy sleeping brain it's impossible to think about denver and not think about him. well... maybe not just sleeping brain either. anyways. it was a good dream of course. dave and busters... beer.... games... romanticismy stuffs. is it completely obsurd i still cry? yes. but i think i've come to realize just recently that what i cry for doesn't even exist. never did. for years i've held on to this idea of perfection in my mind and the loss of this fantasy. i've cried. i've pleaded. i've dreamed. i've plotted. i've planned. i've set aside all pride and made the scary leap in hopes of grasping something. anything. (this being very recent actually) and in the end there is only one way to interpret the results of it all. failure. him wasn't who i thought he was. what him and i had wasn't even close to what i had been holding onto for so long. at least not in reality. somehow over the years i have warped it, molded it into what i deep down wanted. perfection. it was all fabricated without my intention or knowledge. how sad? to have wasted so many years wishing and wanting for something/someone that never existed in the first place. and it hurts all over again. it's like dreaming a lifetime and waking up to find it was just a dream. and once realized you can never go back. it's as if i've spent six years chasing the end of a rainbow, only to get to the end and find nothing. no rainbow. no gold. just nothing. because it's not just the dissapointment of realizing him wasn't the prize, or even worth thinking of as a prize. it's the lack of a standard to strive for. i cannot hold every guy i meet to a standard based on fantasy. so there's nothing. and i'm feeling a bit lost. and sad. i want to tell him that he let me down. that he's not this perfect guy. that he's not the one that got away. he simply never was. so i guess that means it's time to let go. at last. cut the few remaining ties. ie:facebook, myspace. because how can he say we are friends when in the real world friends talk or interact in some way. i'm tired. and i'm ready to not need him anymore. i think i'll cry one last time and finally hit delete. bleh