(no subject)
i've always told myself that love isn't real. there's nothing that can feel so wonderful, and be continuous for all of time. i've always believed that nothing so beautiful could ever come into existance. i still do not doubt myself in any way, but this feeling. it's more than infatuation. it's more than obsession. it's more than a crush. it won't go away. no matter how hard i try. i can't make it stop. how long to i have to deal with memories of us at the skatepark, or memories of us in the pool, or memories of our beautiful conversations. they never seem to end. nothing can stop it. it's a dangerous flood of beautiful feeling and i can never again feel it like it needs to be felt. you're gone, so happy with her, and i am left behind forgotten. like a meagre moth in a windowsill. dusted away, pushed out the window. my tears fall like crimson water from broken skin. never again can i feel the way i felt the night that you told me you would protect me forever. no one will ever measure up. i've been told so many times that you were my first love, and nothing will ever add up to this feeling. but if this is love, it is a terrible, awful, dying feeling. it is a feeling of emptiness and regret. is this love? is this the glorious emotion that i hear so much about. i do not believe in a beautiful love, a love of joy and comfort. the love i know is fear and hate. run from it, run away and never ever come back. never again can i say those three threatening words. never again will i be able to look in the eyes of an innocent lover and tell him that i care. i am left cold and forgotten. my trust in everything has been forever broken and i can no longer rest safely in the arms of a terror. stay away from me. stop trying to talk to me. i hate you. i love you. how can i tell which to feel? or is it the same? your kiss killed me.