(no subject)
i just don't know what to do with myself. i love it here so much, but i can't continue to watch mom hurt like this every single day. i can't watch my dad hurt her like he is, and the thing is, i don't even think he realizes it. i thought that maybe if i talked to him, he'd have compassion and understanding, but he's just being so selfish. it's so irritating because he doesn't even need the money. it seems like he's just trying to hurt her. and i don't want to think that about him, but it's just so apparent i'm not sure what to do with myself. if mom was staying here, i'd go back. as much as i'd hate it. but now it seems like i wouldn't really hate it all that much. it's just the fact that i'm so used to having a car now. i think it would be really hard for me to give that up. and if i gave it up, i'd end up coming back in a few months anyway. because if they move, i will not go with them. as much as i love her, and as much as it will kill me to see her leave, i have so much here. but if i go back with them, i'm not sure he'd let me come back when they moved. i want so badly for this all to be over with. i want everyone to stop hurting. i wish i was 18 already. mom says not to wish my life away, but if the next two years are going to be hell, i'd rather it be over with. i'm so confused and worn out. i just want to crawl in a hole until it's all over with. i wish my opinions didn't have so much affect on everyone else. it's like i'm sitting here and i could do so much to change it, but it would be completely sacrificing my contentment, and i'm not sure that i'm ready to do that yet. i'm scared and alone..i just wish someone understood.