(no subject)
i'm getting depressed again. its not often when i do, i just usually have someone to vent to. nobody's available today.
i hate my friends. why they do stupid shit that inevitably hurts themselves, i dont know. and why i cant get over it, hell i dont know that either. i dont understand the concept of smoking. weed, cigarettes whatever. i dont get it. i dont fucking care for explanations. explanations are excuses and i dont fucking care why people think they need or want to smoke and drink and do whatever other drugs people do. hell i only drink when i hate myself. hypocritic, maybe a little, but at least i dont do it for fun.
i hate myself now. but i've got an essay to write.
why do i hate myself? for hating my friends. no, i dont hate my friends, i'm disappointed in them. and more often than not, the better i get to know them, the more i'm disappointed in them.
and such is my life of being increasingly disappointed in people i care for. so what's the point in caring when one will always be let down. why start? what's the point? that brings us to nihilism and i dont really feel like going there.
i'm not okay with hating people i care for, but if i tell them how i feel, what will they do? they'll say oh i'm sorry, and then they'll try to justify their actions by lessening their cognitive dissonance that i hope plagues them so. but they wont stop. they dont care enough to stop...they'll probably just stay away from me while getting their fix.
you know probably, if i knew beforehand what kinds of people my friends were...the smoking, getting high and drunk type, i probably wouldnt be so disappointed in them because my expectations would be lower. but when i see a person a certain way, it hurts worse when i come to realize that theyre not how i see them.
and theres another reason why i hate myself.
of course, this illusion of people doesnt last. when i realize theyre not who i thought they were, eventually i become callused to them and my feelings for them. i stop caring what they do to hurt themselves. is this any way to live? i ask you.
i doesnt help that i care too much for some people.
i hate my friends. why they do stupid shit that inevitably hurts themselves, i dont know. and why i cant get over it, hell i dont know that either. i dont understand the concept of smoking. weed, cigarettes whatever. i dont get it. i dont fucking care for explanations. explanations are excuses and i dont fucking care why people think they need or want to smoke and drink and do whatever other drugs people do. hell i only drink when i hate myself. hypocritic, maybe a little, but at least i dont do it for fun.
i hate myself now. but i've got an essay to write.
why do i hate myself? for hating my friends. no, i dont hate my friends, i'm disappointed in them. and more often than not, the better i get to know them, the more i'm disappointed in them.
and such is my life of being increasingly disappointed in people i care for. so what's the point in caring when one will always be let down. why start? what's the point? that brings us to nihilism and i dont really feel like going there.
i'm not okay with hating people i care for, but if i tell them how i feel, what will they do? they'll say oh i'm sorry, and then they'll try to justify their actions by lessening their cognitive dissonance that i hope plagues them so. but they wont stop. they dont care enough to stop...they'll probably just stay away from me while getting their fix.
you know probably, if i knew beforehand what kinds of people my friends were...the smoking, getting high and drunk type, i probably wouldnt be so disappointed in them because my expectations would be lower. but when i see a person a certain way, it hurts worse when i come to realize that theyre not how i see them.
and theres another reason why i hate myself.
of course, this illusion of people doesnt last. when i realize theyre not who i thought they were, eventually i become callused to them and my feelings for them. i stop caring what they do to hurt themselves. is this any way to live? i ask you.
i doesnt help that i care too much for some people.