IC Journal entry, backdated Downtime stuff
OOC: Ok, let's try this again... LJ just went weird on me, so I gotta start over. Bah.
Here's a wee bit (no, not a Wii bit >.< ) of the downtime stuff my character's been up to.
PS: This is an in character entry! You use it, you lose it. So there.
IC:
For too long now, I’ve let my pride get in the way of my better judgment. These past few months my fear has informed my decisions; for even though I am now practically immortal I have felt nothing but constant worry over my existence. I know that, as the newest and weakest member of this society, I am the easiest target. Couple this with my rude introduction to the world of the Kindred and the ability to feel just exactly how much stronger most of them are compared to myself, it is no wonder my sense of self-preservation went into a form of overdrive.
Perhaps Raven and Cook were right; perhaps I was not ready… for any of this. Have I been fighting a battle on two fronts? I have been forcing myself to learn as much as I can, as fast as I can, on the world of the Kindred, while at the same time desperately clinging to the remnants of my former life. And yet, what would happen if I were to let it go? Would I devolve, or would I flourish? How did Fulcrum put it: to transcend or to fall.
After meeting with him, my new ‘father’ I am further conflicted. My anger with him is still too close to the surface for me to handle properly. I knew this, yet still I went, my pride refusing to back down. Raven followed in tow after trying to change my mind on the matter, even giving me a ‘gift of luck’ I have yet to understand. It seems, however, I did not need it. The threat of P’s power over Fulcrum kept him in check.
What is it she holds over him? What does she want? She allowed me to remember certain details of our meeting this time, but I seem to have retained more than what was on her ‘contract’ of sorts, even after some of my own hand-written notes on her identity faded from existence. Whatever it is she wants, it is obviously not specific to Fulcrum himself, but to vampires in general. She has been doing this for a very long time, I gather; since before the former Senate (although she seemed not to know of the current change), before the previous Edward Prince, who apparently used this need of hers to rid himself of ‘undesirables’ and cement his position. So it would appear she is not mortal, but then what is she? And why is it I feel I have seen her before, in my professional life, and before my Embrace?
So many questions; too many. Even Fulcrum, who I presume is far more experienced a vampire than I, still has questions about ‘the nature of his existence’. Apparently my Embrace and continued existence are all part of his attempt to answer these questions, testing not only my strength of character but that of the society as a whole. He even claims to have performed this experiment before, in other cities where the laws governing his crimes are vastly different. Yet I am more than a lab rat to him, or so he says. Even after everything he has done, he still has it in mind to be a mentor to me. I shudder to think what he would teach.
Perhaps I should slow down. I have been pushing so hard to learn, because that is what I do; I learn, I accomplish. But what is it I am trying to accomplish now? There is no going back. No matter how much I would wish it, I know I can never be human again. I also know that there is a good possibility I may begin to lose touch with the humanity left in me, as evidenced by my sire. I don’t know exactly what to do about him. Technically, I suppose, I have been given the power to save him, were I so inclined; but I know with certainty I would be unable to choose another to take his place.
At this point, I am unsure of whom I should be more frightened: Fulcrum or P?
OOC: It is a little short, I suppose. But that's ok. There'll be more in the future.
Here's a wee bit (no, not a Wii bit >.< ) of the downtime stuff my character's been up to.
PS: This is an in character entry! You use it, you lose it. So there.
IC:
For too long now, I’ve let my pride get in the way of my better judgment. These past few months my fear has informed my decisions; for even though I am now practically immortal I have felt nothing but constant worry over my existence. I know that, as the newest and weakest member of this society, I am the easiest target. Couple this with my rude introduction to the world of the Kindred and the ability to feel just exactly how much stronger most of them are compared to myself, it is no wonder my sense of self-preservation went into a form of overdrive.
Perhaps Raven and Cook were right; perhaps I was not ready… for any of this. Have I been fighting a battle on two fronts? I have been forcing myself to learn as much as I can, as fast as I can, on the world of the Kindred, while at the same time desperately clinging to the remnants of my former life. And yet, what would happen if I were to let it go? Would I devolve, or would I flourish? How did Fulcrum put it: to transcend or to fall.
After meeting with him, my new ‘father’ I am further conflicted. My anger with him is still too close to the surface for me to handle properly. I knew this, yet still I went, my pride refusing to back down. Raven followed in tow after trying to change my mind on the matter, even giving me a ‘gift of luck’ I have yet to understand. It seems, however, I did not need it. The threat of P’s power over Fulcrum kept him in check.
What is it she holds over him? What does she want? She allowed me to remember certain details of our meeting this time, but I seem to have retained more than what was on her ‘contract’ of sorts, even after some of my own hand-written notes on her identity faded from existence. Whatever it is she wants, it is obviously not specific to Fulcrum himself, but to vampires in general. She has been doing this for a very long time, I gather; since before the former Senate (although she seemed not to know of the current change), before the previous Edward Prince, who apparently used this need of hers to rid himself of ‘undesirables’ and cement his position. So it would appear she is not mortal, but then what is she? And why is it I feel I have seen her before, in my professional life, and before my Embrace?
So many questions; too many. Even Fulcrum, who I presume is far more experienced a vampire than I, still has questions about ‘the nature of his existence’. Apparently my Embrace and continued existence are all part of his attempt to answer these questions, testing not only my strength of character but that of the society as a whole. He even claims to have performed this experiment before, in other cities where the laws governing his crimes are vastly different. Yet I am more than a lab rat to him, or so he says. Even after everything he has done, he still has it in mind to be a mentor to me. I shudder to think what he would teach.
Perhaps I should slow down. I have been pushing so hard to learn, because that is what I do; I learn, I accomplish. But what is it I am trying to accomplish now? There is no going back. No matter how much I would wish it, I know I can never be human again. I also know that there is a good possibility I may begin to lose touch with the humanity left in me, as evidenced by my sire. I don’t know exactly what to do about him. Technically, I suppose, I have been given the power to save him, were I so inclined; but I know with certainty I would be unable to choose another to take his place.
At this point, I am unsure of whom I should be more frightened: Fulcrum or P?
OOC: It is a little short, I suppose. But that's ok. There'll be more in the future.