(no subject)
Crying uncontrollably. Why? Uncertain. Don't know what to do with myself. Don't know what to think of the people around me. Considering being a recluse for a while, a few years perhaps. I'm tired of getting hurt. Most everyone I know now I will not be talking to 10 years from now. I care greatly for these people. All through my life those I've grown closest to always end up leaving me, and or hurting me, and or fucking me over. From my mother to my love to my best friends. It's got to stop. Some people just say it's change, it's life or it happens for a reason. I can't deal with those excuses. Life doesn't have to be like this. What ever happened to just going with a good thing. What ever happened to not leaving your fucking son, your love, and your best friend. All have reasons I'm sure. Some shittier than others. Some that make honest sense to the ones that think them up with no bad intentions. But none of them truly flow with me. It doesn't have to be this way. I've got to get away from it all. From everything and everyone. They're all going to leave me eventually anyway. I wish I could just move to some far off land and feed my hunger for knowledge. Come back when people my age are more settled so I don't have to lose anyone else. I've come to realize that even those closest to me can lie right to my face. It scares the shit out of me. During the past two weeks I've gone from trusting 30 people to trusting about 5. Why do people lie? Why? Growing calm. Please no one ask me about any of this. I woke up crying and angry and felt I needed to take my thoughts down. In no way do I have a big head. None the less I feel, or rather know, I'm a more honest person than just about everyone I know. So many people act different around different people, I don't. So many people lie, I don't. I'm an all around great guy and great person. Why is it I'm the one waking up at 5am crying? I do not deserve this. I've been given the most wonderful gifts of life only to have them ripped from me. Why me? Can I never trust anyone again, can I never love anyone again? I don't want to end up like my father. Alone. Not trusting anyone other than his children. No longer capable of falling in love. Scared to make friends. Uncertain of himself. If this is really how life goes than I truly do believe that we are now in some sort of hell. Although I stick firm to my notion that the world would be a much great place without religion. I'm torn. Part of me wants to go out and have a great time and live life to it's fullest. While another side of me rarely seen wants to tuck away in some small dark room with occasional lights flashing different colors with a library of books, pictures from my past, and a warm place playing over and over and over and over. I'd sit on the floor and read, think, and write by candlelight. There are times when I lay in my bed in the middle of the night fascinated by the thoughts running through my mind. I live in a different world than most other people. Life and everything around you is nothing more, and never will be anything more, than your perception of it. That being said I believe people of greater intelligence see the world completely different than others. My extreme intelligence, which I've yet to take to it's full potential, and is the only thing I have to thank my mother for, allows me to think much deeper than those around me. So when I lay there and think I actually become addicted to it. I wish that the morning will never ever come. I wish I could lay there forever and stare at the little random LED lights in my room and think, think uncontrollably, about nothing and everything all at the same time. Think about people, life, science, everything to thought itself. Yet every night I eventually fall asleep. I fall asleep forgetting half the wonders I created in my mind. Then sure enough I wake up in the chaos that is my life. The sun glaring in on me. If there was just some way I could slip into a coma of pure thought for a while until I was satisfied and again ready to face the morning sun. Doubtful it will ever happen. Considering I believe that life and reality is no more than thought and if I think hard enough about something I can change it, I will continue to strive for this coma.