No pairings, band fic
title: kidnapping and other fun things
band!fic
humor, weirdness
this is by far the dumbest thing I have ever written. just...let's pretend it's not.
"You," Eeteuk took a deep breath before continuing. "You stole a baby?"
Kangin shuffled from foot to foot, looking down, and yet not managing to appear nearly as contrite as Eeteuk felt that he should. "Maybe?"
Eeteuk thought that 'maybe' was the wrong answer. Especially considering that Kangin had, in fact, sneaked the infant from out of the orphanage without telling anyone after a short, promotional charity event. And that it was currently in the corner of the room with Donghae and Eunhyuk being taught the fundamentals of dancing. "Do you have a reason for stealing a baby?"
"No?" Kangin said, looking up at Eeteuk, then over to the baby, and then back to Eeteuk. "Yes?" He smiled, attempting to make himself seem even more charming and not at all like a kidnapper.
Eeteuk crossed his arms. He wasn't falling for it.
"He's really cute," said Kangin. "And haven't you always wanted a baby?"
Eeteuk blinked. "I--" He found he had no suitable response to that kind of logic. "We can't keep him," he tried instead.
Kangin looked more pitiful in that moment than Eeteuk had ever seen him before. And they had known each other for years, so that was quite impressive. "Why not?"
"Because," Heechul started as he grabbed the baby away from Donghae who was explaining, in very explicit detail, the importance of hip thrusts as part of a well balanced dance routine. Donghae made sad eyes up at Heechul as the baby was taken away from him. Shindong rubbed his back comfortingly.
"Babies are loud and messy," continued Heechul. "Take him back." He held the baby out to Kangin. "Oh," Heechul paused, really looking at the baby for the first time. "He has my eyes. I've changed my mind, we're keeping him. Stop being so selfish, Eeteuk." Heechul hugged the baby close and sat down on the floor between Hankyung and Shiwon.
Eeteuk realized he'd lost whatever control over the situation that he ever had. "We can't keep a baby," he said firmly. No one listened. Kangin clapped him on the back in a friendly manner, nearly sending him flying to the ground.
"We should have him baptized," said Shiwon, lifting the baby out of Heechul's lap. He smiled at the baby and the baby stared back. Shiwon tried to make a funny face for the baby and it nearly started to cry.
"Give me that," said Heechul, taking the baby away from Shiwon before he could do any permanent damage. "You aren't baptizing my son," he added.
"He's mine!" yelled Kangin.
"You stole him," said Eeteuk, wondering why no one else cared about the how illegal that was.
"I guess I'll teach him Chinese," Hankyung mused, mostly to himself.
Donghae perked up, brushing off Shindong. "Can I teach him English?"
There was a moment of silence. "Only if you learn it first," said Kibum, eventually, pushing off from the wall that he'd been leaning against and taking the baby from Heechul. "Aw," he said, poking the baby on the nose. "You're cute."
"Aw," said Eunhyuk, walking over to Kibum. "You're cute, too." He poked Kibum's nose for good measure, then jumped back before there could be any retaliation.
Kibum frowned and handed the baby off to Sungmin. "Here, your turn," he said.
Sungmin and the baby stared at one another for a few moments. "I think," said Sungmin after some deep contemplation, the corners of his mouth turned down, "he's much cuter than I am."
Kyuhyun stood up and took the baby from him. "Babies are supposed to be cuter than grown men," he said. "Isn't that right?" The baby blinked up at him.
"I don't think that's fair," said Sungmin. "I worked hard for this image."
"Stop competing with my son," said Heechul.
"My son," Kangin corrected, kicking at Heechul's legs. Heechul kicked back.
"You can't just steal a baby and call it your own," said Eeteuk. Again, his reasoning went unheard.
"I wonder if he can sing," mumbled Yehsung, leaning in to get a better look at the baby. "He looks like he can sing."
"He's too young," answered Ryeowook, playing with the baby's tiny hands. He made cooing noises and kissed the baby on the forehead. "You're going to be the best singer ever, aren't you. Aren't you? Yes you are!"
Shindong pulled Ryeowook away and took over his place playing with the baby still held in Kyuhyun's arms. "He's going to be funny, I can tell. Just like me."
Heechul snorted and rolled his eyes. "If anything, he's going to be like me."
"Just what the world needs," said Kibum. "Another Heechul. I've always said one wasn't enough." He ducked to avoid a picture frame thrown at his head.
"Hey!" exclaimed Donghae, from his position on the floor. "Don't throw things around our baby!"
"He's my baby," said Kangin, grabbing the baby and holding him close. "And I am going to raise him to be like me."
Eeteuk plucked the baby out of Kangin's arms and sat down on the sofa. "You stole him," he said. "We're going to take him back." Eeteuk stared at the baby, determined, and mind made up. The baby looked up at him with wide eyes.
Eeteuk hardened his heart. "No, you're going back. Tomorrow. I am taking you back tomorrow and then Kangin won't be thrown in jail to rot, even though he deserves it."
The baby blinked.
"You can't win me over," said Eeteuk. "I can't be swayed. We can't raise a baby! Don't you know how hard it would be to raise you? Some of us haven't even managed to raise ourselves. You've met Kangin, he steals babies. How can he be trusted with one?"
The baby yawned once, and curled up against Eeteuk's chest, asleep.
Eeteuk sighed, defeated. "Well," he said, "if we're going to keep him then he'll need a proper name."
"I knew you'd see it my way," said Kangin, sitting down next to him with a huge grin.
Eeteuk punched him in the arm as hard as he could without waking up the baby.
band!fic
humor, weirdness
this is by far the dumbest thing I have ever written. just...let's pretend it's not.
"You," Eeteuk took a deep breath before continuing. "You stole a baby?"
Kangin shuffled from foot to foot, looking down, and yet not managing to appear nearly as contrite as Eeteuk felt that he should. "Maybe?"
Eeteuk thought that 'maybe' was the wrong answer. Especially considering that Kangin had, in fact, sneaked the infant from out of the orphanage without telling anyone after a short, promotional charity event. And that it was currently in the corner of the room with Donghae and Eunhyuk being taught the fundamentals of dancing. "Do you have a reason for stealing a baby?"
"No?" Kangin said, looking up at Eeteuk, then over to the baby, and then back to Eeteuk. "Yes?" He smiled, attempting to make himself seem even more charming and not at all like a kidnapper.
Eeteuk crossed his arms. He wasn't falling for it.
"He's really cute," said Kangin. "And haven't you always wanted a baby?"
Eeteuk blinked. "I--" He found he had no suitable response to that kind of logic. "We can't keep him," he tried instead.
Kangin looked more pitiful in that moment than Eeteuk had ever seen him before. And they had known each other for years, so that was quite impressive. "Why not?"
"Because," Heechul started as he grabbed the baby away from Donghae who was explaining, in very explicit detail, the importance of hip thrusts as part of a well balanced dance routine. Donghae made sad eyes up at Heechul as the baby was taken away from him. Shindong rubbed his back comfortingly.
"Babies are loud and messy," continued Heechul. "Take him back." He held the baby out to Kangin. "Oh," Heechul paused, really looking at the baby for the first time. "He has my eyes. I've changed my mind, we're keeping him. Stop being so selfish, Eeteuk." Heechul hugged the baby close and sat down on the floor between Hankyung and Shiwon.
Eeteuk realized he'd lost whatever control over the situation that he ever had. "We can't keep a baby," he said firmly. No one listened. Kangin clapped him on the back in a friendly manner, nearly sending him flying to the ground.
"We should have him baptized," said Shiwon, lifting the baby out of Heechul's lap. He smiled at the baby and the baby stared back. Shiwon tried to make a funny face for the baby and it nearly started to cry.
"Give me that," said Heechul, taking the baby away from Shiwon before he could do any permanent damage. "You aren't baptizing my son," he added.
"He's mine!" yelled Kangin.
"You stole him," said Eeteuk, wondering why no one else cared about the how illegal that was.
"I guess I'll teach him Chinese," Hankyung mused, mostly to himself.
Donghae perked up, brushing off Shindong. "Can I teach him English?"
There was a moment of silence. "Only if you learn it first," said Kibum, eventually, pushing off from the wall that he'd been leaning against and taking the baby from Heechul. "Aw," he said, poking the baby on the nose. "You're cute."
"Aw," said Eunhyuk, walking over to Kibum. "You're cute, too." He poked Kibum's nose for good measure, then jumped back before there could be any retaliation.
Kibum frowned and handed the baby off to Sungmin. "Here, your turn," he said.
Sungmin and the baby stared at one another for a few moments. "I think," said Sungmin after some deep contemplation, the corners of his mouth turned down, "he's much cuter than I am."
Kyuhyun stood up and took the baby from him. "Babies are supposed to be cuter than grown men," he said. "Isn't that right?" The baby blinked up at him.
"I don't think that's fair," said Sungmin. "I worked hard for this image."
"Stop competing with my son," said Heechul.
"My son," Kangin corrected, kicking at Heechul's legs. Heechul kicked back.
"You can't just steal a baby and call it your own," said Eeteuk. Again, his reasoning went unheard.
"I wonder if he can sing," mumbled Yehsung, leaning in to get a better look at the baby. "He looks like he can sing."
"He's too young," answered Ryeowook, playing with the baby's tiny hands. He made cooing noises and kissed the baby on the forehead. "You're going to be the best singer ever, aren't you. Aren't you? Yes you are!"
Shindong pulled Ryeowook away and took over his place playing with the baby still held in Kyuhyun's arms. "He's going to be funny, I can tell. Just like me."
Heechul snorted and rolled his eyes. "If anything, he's going to be like me."
"Just what the world needs," said Kibum. "Another Heechul. I've always said one wasn't enough." He ducked to avoid a picture frame thrown at his head.
"Hey!" exclaimed Donghae, from his position on the floor. "Don't throw things around our baby!"
"He's my baby," said Kangin, grabbing the baby and holding him close. "And I am going to raise him to be like me."
Eeteuk plucked the baby out of Kangin's arms and sat down on the sofa. "You stole him," he said. "We're going to take him back." Eeteuk stared at the baby, determined, and mind made up. The baby looked up at him with wide eyes.
Eeteuk hardened his heart. "No, you're going back. Tomorrow. I am taking you back tomorrow and then Kangin won't be thrown in jail to rot, even though he deserves it."
The baby blinked.
"You can't win me over," said Eeteuk. "I can't be swayed. We can't raise a baby! Don't you know how hard it would be to raise you? Some of us haven't even managed to raise ourselves. You've met Kangin, he steals babies. How can he be trusted with one?"
The baby yawned once, and curled up against Eeteuk's chest, asleep.
Eeteuk sighed, defeated. "Well," he said, "if we're going to keep him then he'll need a proper name."
"I knew you'd see it my way," said Kangin, sitting down next to him with a huge grin.
Eeteuk punched him in the arm as hard as he could without waking up the baby.