A Very Hetalia Haunting
Title: A Very Hetalia Haunting
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor, Horror
Summary: The Bad Touch Trio try to trick their fellow nations into thinking the conference room is haunted; however things soon spiral out of control, and they soon wonder how much of it is a joke.
"Alright then!" Prussia said, beaming eagerly. "Phase one of the 'scare the pants of every unawesome loser we know' begins!"
France and Spain, his fellow Bad Touch Trio members, nodded their heads, matching his enthusiasm.
"First up - we need to come up with a story." He sat down, a grin plastered across his face. "We need the perfect ghost - the perfect death, the perfect appearance, the perfect sounds."
"The perfect…sounds?" France murmured, one of his eyebrows quirking.
"Well, duh!" Prussia replied, surprised that France was even questioning his statement. "What's that sound that lets people know he is coming? Heavy stomps down a staircase? Ragged breathing? Several knocks on a door? The pure awesomeness of his presence - like me."
"Or the loud screams that come mid-orgasm," France added, eagerly.
"…Yes," Prussia replied, after a moment of thought. "If he died mid-orgasm, then sure, why not."
"What about the squelching sound of tomatoes being crushed?" Spain interjected.
His friends stared at him blankly.
"I mean," he elaborated, "what could be more horrifying than perfectly good tomatoes going to waste? Although…that might hurt my Lovi, and we can't have that! Forget my suggestion amigos…we can't have Lovi getting upset…"
"Whipped," Prussia muttered. "Look, let's just come up with some ideas for who our ghost could be. We'll work out the sounds later."
"How about one of those grotesque Japanese ghosts?" France suggested. "Their hair…it is simply appalling. And I can only speculate on how horrific their skin would be, what with those oily strands constantly pressing against their face…"
"France, don't be unawesome," Prussia snorted. "That idea is so overdone. We create awesomeness - we don't conform!"
"A male stripper then?"
Prussia considered this. "…Nah," he said at last, shaking his head. "Too little clothing. We'd never be able to effectively disguise ourselves."
"…A female stripper?"
"No."
"A janitor!" Spain cried, eagerly. "It'd be perfect, because we could easily come up with a story for why the ghost of a janitor haunts the World Conference room. What do you guys say?"
"That's actually a pretty awesome idea," Prussia admitted. "A janitor…the ghost of the janitor James Jameson! Or Jimmy as everyone calls him. He drowned in a toilet when he tripped over his mop and fell face-first inside - "
"Jimmy Jameson?" France quirked one eyebrow. "Sounds familiar."
"Well obviously," Prussia shot back. "It's such an awesome name, it just fits perfectly with my idea."
"But I came up with the idea," Spain interjected.
"You came up with a small piece of the idea," Prussia corrected him. "I came up with the majority of it. Obviously. I mean, I am the most awesome person in this room."
"Does he have to fall head first into the toilet?" France complained. "It's so…unappealing. Wouldn't it be so much more scandalous if he was having an affair with - "
"No," Prussia replied simply.
" - But maybe he could have been in a broom closet, and the physical exertion - "
"He tripped over his broom and fell in the damn toilet."
" - and even though they tried to get him to a hospital, his heart was just too weak - "
"He swallowed a shit load of toilet water - and maybe even a bit of shit - and he died."
" - and his lover, the married owner of the world conference room - which, at that time, was a multi-billion dollar corporation - was devastated - "
"France - he was a klutz. He tripped over his broom. He fell in the toilet. He drowned. That. Is. What. Happened."
Spain sniffed, wiping away a stray tear. "Did…did the billionaire ever move on from his lost love?"
"No. No, he did not. The very next week who threw himself from the roof - "
"No," Prussia snapped. "We can't handle two ghosts you loser!"
"…In that case, then yes, that very night he had an intense night of love with his wife. Dear Mr. Jameson was so distraught - "
"But he's dead," Spain protested.
"His ghost mon cher, please keep up," France sighed. "He was so distraught that he vowed to forever haunt the conference room, tormenting the lives of all those within it just as he was tormented by the sounds of ecstasy leaving the mouth of the billionaire's splendid wife."
Spain slapped a hand over his mouth, his eyes wide.
"I've based her character of one of my many conquests," France murmured, a glazed look in his eyes.
Prussia gritted his teeth. "…He tripped when cleaning the toilet and drowned."
France and Spain stared at him, their eyes wide.
"…Fine, losers, if you want he could have been having an affair with the billionaire but he dies in the toilet - got it?"
"Yes," his friends chorused.
…
"Okay, now, on to the sounds - I have it all thought out! It's dark, right? And you're standing along in the stairwell when you hear this 'drip drip' sound coming from a distance - because he drowned, yes?"
"He's a janitor isn't he? So why is he dripping toilet water everywhere?" Spain muttered, frowning disapprovingly.
"You also hear this strange, dragging noise. It's the sound of his mop dragging across the floor."
"Cleaning up the toilet water," France said, nodding.
"And then the sound of gurgled breaths," Prussia continued, choosing to ignore his friends. "Since he drowned, I felt like that would make sense. Oh, and the wet slap of clothing."
"What about the flush of a toilet?" France suggested. "From when his hand accidentally hit the button when he went down."
Prussia considered this for a moment. "…Sure, why not?" he said at last.
"Don't you think that's a lot of sounds?" Spain interjected.
"Shut up Spain," Prussia retorted. "The sounds are what make the perfect ghost. Didn't you watch the Grudge?"
"Oh I did!" Spain replied, beaming. "Well, about half of it - I fainted around the time of the stairwell scene, and woke up during the first quarter of the second movie. Then I went down again."
"Dammit!" Prussia howled.
France and Spain both jumped.
"What?" France asked with faint alarm.
"Stairwell scenes! They are way too overused!" Prussia grumbled. "How unawesome is that? Dammit - sometimes it sucks being so amazingly original."