Requim for my 20's
On April 9, 2011, I will be 30. On January 13th, 2011, I will celebrate my 10th anniversary of coming out. It's been on hell of a ride. 2 East coast relocation round trips, friendships made, lost, and painfully ended, some due to my own accord. Getting a drivers license, owning, selling and junking five cars: Zoom-Zoom, Max, Agatha, Viki, and now Gwen. Buried two amazing Grandmothers, and one amazing friend. Went through five relationships, and did not attend my high school reunion. Lost weight, gained some back, lost it again, have 3 tatoos on my skin, and lots of moving.
Whoa.
I used to be scared of turning 30, the old gay legend that you are invisible once the clock strikes midnight on your 3-0. I wasn’t even going to celebrate but have since come to terms with my fear. It’s just a number, and I prefer older anyway.
I find myself in a period of reflection as I look back at this decade, there has been a redundant theme of gain and loss, there have been two occurrences when I have started over with just the clothes on my back, yet, once I reached a comfortable phase I would start over. Most of these were huge life changing mistakes, but the pain of restarting my life trying hard and failing at looking at what was behind me rather than in front, was at the time something I had not even considered surviving, and when it was all over, and that comfortable place was reached and I was…..bored. I didn’t see what was in front of me, the friends and people around me. Such amazing people and family. I really worked on this.
Then there is the “cody” factor. 10 years ago, a very nervous, heavier, teenager, was so terrified of looking at himself in the mirror, but also the deeper part of the reflection, of coming out, it easy as hell to come out to parents, I don’t care what anyone says, the hardest person to come out to is yourself, I really struggled in the beginning, my self-image was so low then that I didn’t ever think I was going to be kissed, no physical affection, yet once I had my first kiss, once I discovered affection from another person, well, I wanted more of course, guh, yes, I was that horrible codependent person, falling in love at the tip of hat, yes, in some few aspects I still struggle with this, but have recently noticed that I am better than the hot mess I was in my early 20’s. Even though the one thing I want more than anything in the world down the road is the picket fence dream, I know I must work on myself first In my 29 years I have seen four divorces in my family, yes, I never want to go through that, furthermore, if this partner and I have children, don’t want to put them through above all, but then again, that’s borrowing trouble. I think my partner is someone already out there, walking this earth, it is my belief that destiny will bring us together in a time that will be right for us, but in the meantime, there is a lot of work to do. I don’t want put someone through anything I could have worked on myself. I have learned to not be codependent, and if I am falling for someone, I take a step back, analyze these feelings, for I feel very passionately, but its not fair to court someone who is not interested, furthermore, it is really not fair to demand to be validated, I’ve learned to accept that I feel a lot more with my heart and have that thing neatly pinned to my sleeve, lately I have tried to put it behind the ribcage where it belongs-whatever will be will be, and Pagans believe in marriage, the two shall be together as long as the love shall last.
There are a lot of goals in mind for the new year. I don’t like the term resolutions, I like goals, just seem more practical to follow through on.
1) Here I go again, but I am really getting tired of coughing all the time, I’m going to quit smoking. Not only is it expensive, it’s killing me, and I’m really getting tired of it.
2) I’m going to school, haven’t decided on teaching. Why I have had some amazing teachers in my life, including it running in my family, I have not fully decided if that is what I am going to do or not, I mean I would love my own classroom, and it is a noble profession, but still, a new world was opened up to me this past spring with photography, there is a peaceful, overflowing happiness when I pick up my camera and start shooting random stuff, that in my eyes needs to be captured. (insert American Beauty references here) but I do see the world in a different way with that camera, more personal, intimate, sacred. I think er know with a few classes, I can strengthen my gift. I just love it so much, and I don’t want to spend 20 years doing something I am not 100% passionate about.
3) I am joining a gym, body is starting to tell me to go back and stick with it, my back sucks, and since quitting the Home Depot, all my muscular mass is gone, I miss it. With the money I save from quitting smoking, this will indeed help with the finance. Plus, the new endorphins will help keep me from my medium, and I’ll be even sexier for my birthday/pride/streaking.
4) I have a book to finish, the story has been in my head for 12 years, and its all there, but the problem is the connection between my brain and fingertips, and how to get this amazing coming-of-age-in-the-90’s story into a publishers hands and maybe just maybe on the NYT bestseller list, or at least a book store.
5) I’m taking a vacation. Hawaii, always wanted to see Kauai never been, but it’s where they have filmed my favorite movies, including Jurassic Park, there is even a park where the “log” from the Gallimimuss stampede scene was shot, and yeah I want a picture of myself there. Yet I do have family and friend obligations in Texas and the East Coast so may have to be a short weekend trip. Hopefully.
6) The most important goal to me, most important of all of these, is to at least see them through, at least half of them. Or hell, weather it be singing lessons or the gym, see it through. I no longer blame my astrological correspondence for not seeing things through. I really want to do this.
End Transmission.