My life as of now
Sooo...I haven't posted to this thing, in well. Fucking forever. I just use lj as a way to read fics but like... I think I wanna start it back up. In the last, um... year-ish or so that I haven't posted, a lot has happened. I'd like to think I've learned some things and come to be more calm. We had another Teen Summit, for those of you that read about the first one, it was pretty awesome... So. I'm going to start this first [me] entry off with something from that...
If you really knew me...
You'd know that Valentine's Day is my favorite day of the year, Rodney always writes a sweet card, and not for anyone else.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I met & broke up with Elissa, the supposed love of my life. I don't so much miss her, as I miss the feeling of being with someone I believed to be special. For a brief time she might have been something, but I now believe she'll never amount to her full potential, not with the way she is... I feel bad for her and I'd like to say I'm sorry for all the shit we've done to one another, but I know that she will not accept any apology that I make. So that is why I am only saying I'd like to say sorry.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that Fenisha has been the shining star in my life for the past few months. She and I fell into this band together and now we're pretty much inseperable. If she really knew me, she would know that I am so so so fucking sorry for the past two years. Today she apologized for being jealous, and I know what she's talking about... but really, she didn't need to. I love her no matter what, and always will. Somedays, I love her too much, and I never come right out and say it, b/c I want her to be happy. I know that she's gonna read this too, and for that I'm glad. I needed to get it out there, but I in no way want her to feel bad or akward about this. You're my jump buddy bby, thats all.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I fill everyone with compliments because I truely want them to think more highly of themselves. I always feel so low, I'd never want others to feel this way. I'm not a saint, I talk shit about betches who say stuff about me...I don't see why they would, but maybe thats because I'm not enlightened.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I'm reading a book for my pshych class [yes, I can't spell that, sue me] and I think it's the best book I'll ever set eyes on. It's about not stressing the small stuff in love, b/c it'll never fail to bring you down. In it, the authur says to think of everyone else as Enlightened. So thats what I'm trying to do, think that everyone knows something I don't, that they're all here to teach me something new. Like patience, faith, ect.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I go to church groups with my cousin, not because she begs...but because when I get there, I know it was because I really wanted to go. I like the people in the group, they're all old, and they all have something interesting to say. I really enjoy going, and my cousin thinks I only go to humor her or so that I can make fun of it later. But I don't do it for those reasons. I will never become a die-hard Christian, thats for sure. But maybe someday I'll have faith in my own God, after all, someone had to bless me with the people I know and love.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I'm scared of being alone and disgusting my whole life. I'm afraid, just as everyone else is, that I will never be good enough for someone who I believe is good enough for me. All the boys in my life are gay, because I've cut out every straight one I've ever known. I can't handle talking to boys that like girls because I believe that they will never like me. That I'm just not as good as the next girl. That I'm not special. And with gay boys, you can never feel that fear, that hopelessness. I'm going to prom with Rodney because I knew I'd end up having to go with a girl, again. I like girls. I really do. But I've never to a dance with a boy that I actually liked, and I thought it was time for a change. My mom is ferious with me, because I didn't wait for some amazingly spectacular guy to come whisk me away to prom. She's crazy if she believes that could ever happen to her daughter. The only love i'll ever have it seems is that I have for myself and for my friends. The return feeling just isn't in my cards.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I hope for the best things for all people. All good people deserve good things. New friends and old foes, everyone is special, and everyone is wanting. I hope everyone truely gets what they want. And in due time, if my wish comes true, then everything I want will have already happened.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I plan to waste away to nothing someday. It's coming up fast and I can hardly wait really... I'm glad it's going to happen for me, I feel as if I'm desending into the place where I belong. I plan to write about my experience, whether or not I ever overcome it. I want to help people through my future words and actions, I want to make a difference.
And if you really knew me...
You'd know all of what I said was the truth.
I love all of you.
<3
If you really knew me...
You'd know that Valentine's Day is my favorite day of the year, Rodney always writes a sweet card, and not for anyone else.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I met & broke up with Elissa, the supposed love of my life. I don't so much miss her, as I miss the feeling of being with someone I believed to be special. For a brief time she might have been something, but I now believe she'll never amount to her full potential, not with the way she is... I feel bad for her and I'd like to say I'm sorry for all the shit we've done to one another, but I know that she will not accept any apology that I make. So that is why I am only saying I'd like to say sorry.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that Fenisha has been the shining star in my life for the past few months. She and I fell into this band together and now we're pretty much inseperable. If she really knew me, she would know that I am so so so fucking sorry for the past two years. Today she apologized for being jealous, and I know what she's talking about... but really, she didn't need to. I love her no matter what, and always will. Somedays, I love her too much, and I never come right out and say it, b/c I want her to be happy. I know that she's gonna read this too, and for that I'm glad. I needed to get it out there, but I in no way want her to feel bad or akward about this. You're my jump buddy bby, thats all.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I fill everyone with compliments because I truely want them to think more highly of themselves. I always feel so low, I'd never want others to feel this way. I'm not a saint, I talk shit about betches who say stuff about me...I don't see why they would, but maybe thats because I'm not enlightened.
If you really knew me...
You'd know I'm reading a book for my pshych class [yes, I can't spell that, sue me] and I think it's the best book I'll ever set eyes on. It's about not stressing the small stuff in love, b/c it'll never fail to bring you down. In it, the authur says to think of everyone else as Enlightened. So thats what I'm trying to do, think that everyone knows something I don't, that they're all here to teach me something new. Like patience, faith, ect.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I go to church groups with my cousin, not because she begs...but because when I get there, I know it was because I really wanted to go. I like the people in the group, they're all old, and they all have something interesting to say. I really enjoy going, and my cousin thinks I only go to humor her or so that I can make fun of it later. But I don't do it for those reasons. I will never become a die-hard Christian, thats for sure. But maybe someday I'll have faith in my own God, after all, someone had to bless me with the people I know and love.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I'm scared of being alone and disgusting my whole life. I'm afraid, just as everyone else is, that I will never be good enough for someone who I believe is good enough for me. All the boys in my life are gay, because I've cut out every straight one I've ever known. I can't handle talking to boys that like girls because I believe that they will never like me. That I'm just not as good as the next girl. That I'm not special. And with gay boys, you can never feel that fear, that hopelessness. I'm going to prom with Rodney because I knew I'd end up having to go with a girl, again. I like girls. I really do. But I've never to a dance with a boy that I actually liked, and I thought it was time for a change. My mom is ferious with me, because I didn't wait for some amazingly spectacular guy to come whisk me away to prom. She's crazy if she believes that could ever happen to her daughter. The only love i'll ever have it seems is that I have for myself and for my friends. The return feeling just isn't in my cards.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I hope for the best things for all people. All good people deserve good things. New friends and old foes, everyone is special, and everyone is wanting. I hope everyone truely gets what they want. And in due time, if my wish comes true, then everything I want will have already happened.
If you really knew me...
You'd know that I plan to waste away to nothing someday. It's coming up fast and I can hardly wait really... I'm glad it's going to happen for me, I feel as if I'm desending into the place where I belong. I plan to write about my experience, whether or not I ever overcome it. I want to help people through my future words and actions, I want to make a difference.
And if you really knew me...
You'd know all of what I said was the truth.
I love all of you.
<3