Nobody Knows...
Alright. I'm going to warn you first. If we're not close friends, you probably aren't going to read this. But, I want everyone to know that this is the most important post I've ever made. The most important thing I'm ever going to say, maybe for the rest of my life. Today was Teen Summit. If your schools had one, then you know exactly whats going to be said under the cut. But you most likely haven't expierenced what my school did today. And for that I'm very sorry. I wish every child, teen, and adult was in our gym with us today. I wish every school in the U.S. and the World had Teen Summits... I wish for a lot more things than I did when I woke up today.
Please get comfy if you plan to stick this out...it's going to be long. And it's probably going to be boring in some way, as it doesn't effect you... but it is important that I share it anyway. Thank you.
Please read this if you have the time. If you think you know me... If you ever wanted a change.
A day I'll never forget...
Most of you have no idea what a Teen Summit is... well. It's simple. Our school got grants and was fortunate enough to host Michigan's Teen Summit this year, we called it "Construct Your Future" because our school is under construction this year... It's a day for tons of speakers to come into your school, have breakout sessions, talk about all the dirty aspects of High School. It's not like when your school hires one of those guys to come in and talk about his drinking problem and how it ruined his life... it was all about us. What affects us, and how, basically, we're going to change that. If we want to...
*I did mention this would be LONG right?*
My schedule for the day:
1. Seminar
2. Opening - "No More Fear" (basically, a man talked to us about how the day would go..)
3. No Zebras-No Excuses (only our upperclassman got to see this one, because of the language and material)
4. Challenge Day (long story, you'll hear all about it)
5. Racism & Sexism (we took this for Rodney)
6. Lunch & Info Booths
7. Eric Hipple (Lions Quarterback **note: the Lions are Michigan's state football team, if you didn't know, lol** and he was here to talk about depression)
8. Stress Management
9. "Keep the Challenge Alive" (Basically, the best part of my day...)
First off, you need to know how I started the day.
I woke up this morning, and had Mo (my lil sister) lie to my mom after she crawled into bed with me. She had to tell her I went to bed... well, a LOT earlier than I really had. I lie every night.
I got ready, was really nervous, because we had been told we were gonna cry, and mom didn't want me to wear my eyeliner, lol, but of course that didn't happen. I got to school, found Andrea, and bought breakfast with the money Adelle gave me as a ransom for Chad's hat. (I gave it back, lol) We walked the halls until we found Rodney, who gave me his PRIDE hoodie that has the letters in a backdrop of rainbows. I put it on, and walked with Andrea some more. As I did, I could hear cat calls through the halls, and I wanted to cry as she held my hand. People were wondering why I, me, Addriana Carr was wearing that gay freshman's clothes, why I was supporting his 'faggoty self'. I stuck it out, wanting to crawl out of my skin and hate everyone I saw. And I did.
Seminar: My first hour, where everyone got their schedules and talked until we headed to the gym. In here, I talked with Tyler, Danielle, Ryan, and Darcy, all of us Juniors cept Dar, and we've never really sat down to chat. Danielle told Tyler (who was my first kiss) about Elly, in Canada, and of course, I exspected him to make fun of me, like a lot of other people do. I mean, she lives in another country...but he didn't. He exclaimed that it was cool, that he really liked traveling to Canada and that it was cool that my mom was letting her stay with me this summer.
1st thinger: We all headed to the gym, me and Adelle and Andrea getting gum from my locker and then going inside to sit in our chairs in front of the stage. The speaker seemed cool, a nice guy who helped out battered women, and he made sure we knew how battered they were. He made sure to address the men in the room during skits the college kids were doing about rape and violence and disrespect. He made sure to call every guy in that gym a man. And that every man had a responsibility to the girl sitting next to him. That they had to protect us, they were our friends. That one out of every four woman is accosting and sexually harrassed. He made sure we knew that this wasn't a game. And that you can't be a zebra and just watch as one of your herd gets eaten by the fucking lion. He made sure every man in that room wanted to protect every girl in that room from what was going on onstage. The college kids, they were actors, and they put on amazing performances, for being friends, it had to be hard. One guy smacked a girls ass, called her a bitch, told her she wanted it. Another rubbed his ass in a guys face, asking him if the butt pirate wanted a piece... One guy was getting a chick drunk and told his friends about it before he took her away from the party and raped her.. her guy friend didn't know what was going on, and he came onstage, yelling that it was his fault. And he was the asshole because he hadn't protected her... another one was a girl getting raped, and how she cried afterwards. The guy stood to one side, and she the other. The had the same worries, "Will I get aids?" "What will happen if she goes to the cops?" "I don't want my life to be over..."
That was really touching. But not life changing in any way. We're teenagers, we know this stuff happens. The thing was...none of us really knew that it happens to everyone.
Challenge Day: Warning--Long and emotional.
Wow. Thats how I could describe this hour in one word. But then you wouldn't understand just why that is. So I'm going to tell you... I walked with Adelle the Elementary gym, where the session was being held... Adelle is my best friend as most of you know. We've been together since 5th grade, about 8 years now. And in that time, we've backstabbed, we've lied, I've called her a skany bitch hoe motherfucker piece of shit slut and I know she's called me the same. When we walked into that room, we didn't know we'd come out, forgiving eachother and crying out eachothers names. Telling my best friend that I loved her. Unconditionally, that she was amazing, and that I was sorry. I was so god damn sorry for all the things we've done to eachother. She felt the same.
We walked inside, sat down next to eachother, and waved our friends Allyson & Nicole over, god forbid we sit next to someone we didn't know. Have to stick together.
The lady, Sella, was yelling into a microphone, telling us to get rid of anything extra, put it agains the wall, we wouldn't be in our seats for very long. She introduced us to her best friend in the entire world, Kakoe, I think. And she explained she was a momma so we better not run her over, lol. They got us on the edge of our seats, told us to make sure our booties were loose, and then we had to run, had to run to the other side of the gym, sitting in the first seat you came to. No one held back, we were nervous and screaming and we tried to get by our friends, but it didn't work. We were separated. Then we had to do it again. Everyone was giggling from nerves and excitment. We had to hop across the gym this time, find a new seat, I ran into a bunch of people I've never met, kids I see everyday, and later on Adelle said that it felt a lot like a most pit. I ended up next to Caitlyn Jansen. Most of you probably know that I had a crush on her older brother, he was, in truth, the first guy I ever really loved. We've been getting along, me and Caitlyn, so it didn't feel weird or anything, she's a nice girl. On my other side, there was a boy. I think he might have been from a different school but I'm not sure. Goes to show you how well we really know eachother. He didn't look like someone I'd want to talk to. He looked kinda dirty, like the kid no one was friends with. But then I coughed, I've been getting over a horrid cold. And he asked me really nicely if I was okay. And thats when I was really hit with a sense of Awe. I didn't know this kid, and he didn't know me. I looked like a weird dyke.. gay pride hoodie, nose ring, tons of eyeliner. And he looked like a kid with no friends. But he cared. So I cared about him.
Sella told everyone to get into pairs, she wanted us to get with someone of a different sex, someone we didn't really know at all. Some people prolly wanted to cheat, but I didn't. I wanted to make this expierence the best it could be... I didn't get the chance though. We had about 30 seconds to find a stranger/partner...and Nathan Eisenhower ran up to me. Nate is the guy that proposed to me a few months ago, lol, in gym class. He's a sweetheart, but a really big druggy. His girlfriend is a cute little redheaded freshmen that he couldn't remember for weeks on end... It's kinda strange. I thought I had Nate figured out... It turns out I didn't. We giggled as we sat down, me yelling at him for cheating, we totally knew eachother. They told us to sit face to face with our new friend, hold their hands, and look into their eyes. I wouldn't look at Nate. It was akward, I mean, it's Nate he's the stuff dreams are made up of, lol. The totally cool kid that everyone gets along with... perfect. So I thought.
She told us to talk about something. It could be anything we wanted. And we weren't sure where to begin. He started by looking at my hoodie, and asking about Rodney. Which fucking amazed me. He remembered how I cried when Rodney said he was leaving the school. He remembered his name, and that it was clearly his hoodie, through the drugs. Zanex (sp?) and pot this morning was his breakfast, he told me earlier this morning. And he remembered. Sella went to a few groups of people, asking us what we talked about (there were about 50 as we had each session with 100 students/teachers) when she asked us, I told her we talked about friends. And she said that was something no one ever talked about the first time, so that was cool.
A few minutes later we had to move our chairs, and not leave our partners side, we sat in a semi-circle around this piece of paper that was taped to the wall. Sella started talking about her life. How she had a son 9 months ago, she lifted up his picture, and showed us how happy he was. Nate leaned over and exclaimed that was one of the cutest babies he'd ever seen. Sella told us about being babies. How free we were. How we did the bootie dance and no one laughed at us... and how we didn't care. She told us that we didn't come into this world saying "I'm going to hurt someones feelings each and every day." that we weren't born caring about keeping up our image, because back then, we were perfect. We were told, be our familes, the kids in kindergarden, in some silent way, to play this game. This game in life in which we couldn't stop, a game no one said we didn't have to play. It's sorta like the game of "Me against the world."
Sella told us about her dad. How he was the center of her universe... he was her hero and she was his princess. She told us about when she was 6 years old. And how he sat her on his knee one night, and her world fell apart. He told her "Sella, you're a girl. And that means your mom is gonna take care of you now." She said she had been confused. Because, damn. If she had known that was the last time she'd love her father unconditionally she woulda grabbed ahold of him and never let go. This was where I started to cry. I tried to stop the tears, but I couldn't really blink them away. Nate held my hand and I tried not to get eyeliner on Rodney's hoodie. Sella then drew a box on the sheet of paper, telling us and labeling it the "BE A MAN" box. She drew harsh arrows into the box, screaming "Don't give up, don't cry, don't be a pussy, did I raise you like that? Whats wrong with you? Don't cry, be strong, you've gotta be tough!" I was still holding Nates hand, and I looked over as Sella told us that each and every guy was thrown into that box from an early age. And by his exspression I knew she was telling the truth. I cried harder. She told us about Image. How it's like an iceberg. You only see 10% of it, just like you only see 10% of people. You don't know whats just below the water, you don't know the person sitting next to you. She explained that if everyone shoved their image aside and showed some part of our true selves, then we could be as free as babies again. We could once more, be almost perfect.
We left the big semi-circle to sit back and away with our partners. We had to pick a part, A or B. Letter A would tell B something about themselves that no one else knew, how their life was, whatever we wanted. B was supposed to stay silent and listen. Then we'd switch roles. I was crying, and Nate keeping rubbing my hands as I tried to talk. I didn't know what to say, as I'm sure no one else did either. I told him that I liked sex, lol, that no one would guess that I was a nympho, I told him about my parents drinking problem, and that I was scared. All the fucking time. I was scared of the world and what was gonna happen in it. And he listened. When it was Nate's turn, he told me that he smoked pot, which I knew, and he told me that he didn't want me to be scared, and that I shouldn't cry. I looked up, and I swear to God the tears were forming in his eyes. He was gonna let them start spilling simply because he couldn't get me to stop. Next we did something hard. One partner had to get pens and cards from a table, and put them under their partners chair. It was mostly guys, the girls being left to sit and cry in their seats. Nate took up my hands again as they told us to close our eyes. We were supposed to think of one person. One person that means the world to us. Someone we loved unconditionally and always would. They wanted us to picture that person, sitting next to us. Wanted us to imagine that this was the last time we'd ever see them...and then we had to write on the cards what we'd say... what we'd say if they were really here right then, holding our hands instead. I wrote mine to my mom. I didn't know quite what to say.. but I thought about it. Kakoe was talking quietly in the background, asking us how many times we could say I love you in one single letter... and sad music was playing under his voice.
Mine was short...
Hey Mom,
I love you. Everything you've ever done for me made me better... You are my life and I couldn't love you more.
I'll always save you...
♥AddyCarr
Nate took a while longer than I did with his, and thats fine cuz I was crying the whole time. Sella was passing out tissues and she gave me tons, thank god. lol. I really needed them.
Finally, we had to switch seats, wiping our tears and trying to take deep breaths. We were supposed to challenge the other person and ourselves. We were supposed to say "From now on I challenge myself to *dotdotdot*" and the other person was supposed to do one better, and we'd go back and forth.
Addy: I challenge myself not to call Rodney a fag anymore.
Nate: I challenge myself not to call anyone a fag anymore.
Addy: I challenge myself to be nice to everyone from now on.
Nate: Why don't you just go for the fucking gold gates, damn overachiever. lol
Addy: I WIN!!!
And so I won. Obviously. lol. He was happy to get a smile otta me. Then we had to yell something, something loud, that we were proud of. The other person was supposed to be like, our cheerleader, making us yell it louder and louder. I didn't have anything I was proud of. Not one single thing. Nate tried to get me to say something, but I was just sopping up my tears, so he said that I should yell I'm hot because I'd been crying for an hour straight and still looked beautiful. :) He didn't have anything to say either. So... we weren't proud of ourselves. But people were proud of us today. (I'll get back on that.)
The challenge was almost over, and we were told to push our chairs back and sit back with the entire group, we got inside the ring of chairs, wrapping each arm around the two other people beside you. Nate was on my right, with Mr. Brines (My American Lit teacher)on my left. We looked around, all the girls having red faces and smudged make up. Everyone was crying. I didn't know half of those kids. But in that moment, we were the best of friends. We promised that we'd look out, and we'd be nice to eachother. We'd never act like we did when we had walked into that room. Everyone had something sad to say, and now everyone else knew it was true. We. Are. All. The. Same. I looked around that circle, at kids I knew had made fun of Rodney, kids I knew had talked shit about me, Adelle, and Andrea. And I couldn't see a single face that I hated. I couldn't see anyone in that room that I didn't love with all my heart and soul.
Afterwards, we got a few minutes to hug before we had to head back to the high school. I hugged Andy, a kid I've had one conversation with. I hugged Caitlyn Jansen, Nicole Nutt, Adelle, Nate, Helena Spencer... I hugged whomever I could see. And everyone was crying out "I love you's" Everyone was your best friend...
Walking back to the high school was amazing. Adelle linked arms with me, as Nate held me close to his side, Helena had her arms around Nate, Andy around Helena, and Nicole around Andy. We walked back into our hell, the place we all knew was bad for us. A place we would be again, made fun of in. We were crying, but we were hugging, and no one cared that everyone would see. No one cared that we had to turn sideways to get through the doors, and no one cared that we gave departing hugs once back, under the eyes of the kids that didn't go to challenge day. We compared schedules, Nate ecstatic when he saw we had all the same sessions.
Racism, Sexism:
Nate held my arm, and sat me at a table in the cafeteria, the one where Rodney was sitting. lol. The session was just a huge let down after challenge day. Me and Nate weren't really paying attention and we were just sitting there, thinking things over. Until he handed me his card. The one he was supposed to write to the most important person in his life.
I'm going to share this with all of you, even though it's the closest thing to my heart right now..
Addy dearest,
I love you and I would like to tell you that no matter what people may say, you are the best person in the world, and I can't spell, so sorry, but I do love you baby, and know that no matter where we are, far away, or close together, I will always have you in my heart. Love you baby.
He messed up a few words, and didn't have commas, lol. And thats why he apologized for the grammar, which is just fine. I was really touched, and I couldn't believe he'd write something like that to me. I'm no one. Honest to Christ. And I had no idea, walking in to school today, that some druggy I knew only from Spanish and gym class was gonna turn out to be my savior. I didn't know boys could be that sweet, I really didn't. I didn't know anyone would say something like that to me. But he did.
We kept getting bored in the session, it seemed almost pointless. And then they wanted to split us up. Jan-Mar birthdays at this table, April-July birthdays ect. Me and Nate had different tables, but he didn't move to sit with everyone else from August. He stayed cuz he didn't want to go. And that was fine. The tables were doing a project, supposedly describing what the effects of each seniro we were given was. Chad stood up for his table, to talk about violence against mexican americans, how very fitting that he was one. Nate pointed to him and asked me if that was one of my friends, and I said yeah, thats Chad, he's Adelle's bf, I had a crush on him (Note: I told Nate what she did to me months ago and he told me that he didn't know an Adelle. She didn't exsist as far as he was concerned). Nate thought that Chad was Rodney, not knowing which one of them was the gay one, it was hilarious. I pointed out my baby, in his hot pink shirt and emoxcore hair and Nate smiled. I told him about the hoodie incidents this morning, how me and Andrea got cat-called as we walked down the halls after I put it on. He was silent for a few seconds, so I took the time to mention something Vicky told me yesturday on the bus. That their family wasn't just moving because of Rodney's issues... Autumn, she's about 6 years old, and cute as hell, she's black. All the little kids in Rod's family are. She sleeps with me when I go over there and I pet her hair... Vicky said that she came home from school a few days ago, went to her room and painted her face white. Litterally. I almost cried when she said that. She's a six year old who's in kindergarden. She shouldn't feel that left out, that alone, that desperate. She should be making friends and playing with barbies. Not fucking painting her skin so that she looks like everyone else... Nate was upset when I told him, no one in their right mind thinks thats right. He had his arms around me when he asked where we got Rodney's hoodie. I told him that we got it online and he said he was buying one. I gave him a funny look. Afterwhich he told me he was gonna buy one for every day of the week. And if he heard anyone talk any shit, he'd kill them. Plain and simple. So.. yeah. That was like Yay.
Next was lunch, during which I was hungry, but sick to my stomach from crying. So I got a cookie, and we sat together, everyone else just pilling into the caferteria after us. I showed him how to blow the lil wrappers off the straws, and only his worked. *eyeroll* I thought it was totally unfair! lol. After my delightful cookie & milk bindge we went to find our next session, which was down the 100 hall and well, since it's our school, it was like only 50 feet away, lol. We found the little info booths in the back hallway, and searched for the ones on drugs. Because I want Nathan to stop killing himself slowly, and he humored me because he wanted me to stop crying. We didn't find the drug ones when we looked, but we found 'relationship abuse' ones. Which was funny, cuz the lady gave us a smile and we continued on, not taking anything. Later on, we found Jen and Noah, Nate's really good friends, and Jen's friends with me, cuz the three of us have spanish together. We went outside, and Jen and I made terrible attempts to play hackie sac with the guys until lunch was over.
Eric Hipple: As I said, he was the quartback of the Detroit Lions football team, some years ago. And he was pretty nice, his topic was depression. Aparently, his son had committed suicide when he was 15 years old, and he hadn't seen any of the warning signs. He'd been writing letters back and forth with a girl, whom also wanted to kill herself. We didn't learn much, as we were very bored, but we listened and sympathized with him. No one close to me has ever died. A friend's grandma once had, and I cried, having known her my whole life, but that was all. Thats the only one. Nate almost fell asleep during this one and I told he could, I'd carry him to stress managment.
Stress Management: this session was in Mr. Thomas's classroom, and there were about 25-ish other students with us. A guy from CMU (Central Michigan University, the college a few towns over) gave a presentation on stress and addictions that made everyone yawn. It was great, we were all just really tired, and all really happy/sad. Once the slides were done, they asked if anyone had any remarks or questions. No one said a word... Until Vanna spoke up. She told us about her uncle's drinking problem. Some people related, and eventually the conversation moved into cutting.
I cut. But I didn't think I would tell anyone.
So Nate did first.
He lifted his sleeve as we sat side by side, and I could see the scars. I'd never seen them before, which was amazing. I see him everyday. In a god damn wife-beater and shorts. I didn't guess for two seconds that he had cuts running up his wrists, and down his ankles... he raised his hand after I told him that I cut to. He told everyone in that room (no one had admitted to cutting themselves as of yet, only knowing kids who did) he told them that he did it years and years ago. In 6th grade. He was fucking 12 years old... and he couldn't stop. He stopped with his wrists eventually, moving on to his ankles because people couldn't see the marks down there... I told everyone why I cut last year. Because I wanted to punish myself when I caused other people pain. When the group moved on I hugged Nate and asked him why he cut all those years ago. Because I remember Nate in 6th grade. I have my first memory of him then. The first thing he ever said to me was "Don't take the lords name in vain" and he didn't say it nicely. I didn't think that Nate had anything to loose back then. He was popular, he was cute, he had girlfriends and good grades and he had all the things I didn't. It turns out I was completely wrong. Because as I sat there and held him, he told me that back then, he'd been alone. He'd had about 4 friends, the only people in the world he could trust, (and I happen to know one of them is sorta gone). He said that he'd been made fun of, that kids had called him gay. And well. Wasn't that a shocker for me. No one calls Nathan Eisenhower gay. He's stronger and faster and tougher than any guy I've ever met. He lifts twice as much weight as all the guys in my gym class put together, I shit you not. He had family problems, he had issues. Life was a mess for him. And all that time, I'd thought he'd had it made. Cuz I sure as hell didn't. Isn't it funny how you never really know someone? Someone you've been giving hugs to, proposing marriage to, telling them you loved them without even really knowing who they were...
Keep the Challenge Alive: This was the end of the day, everyone moved once more to the gym. Nate and I looked for Jen and Noah, and eventually Adelle and Andrea found us. Our order was thus:
Andy, Helena, Jen, Noah, Caitlyn, Me, Nate, Andrea, someone?, & Adelle rounded out the row. We might have called eachother aquaintances, and some of us were friends before that hour. That changed too.
They shut off the lights, a screen at the front of the gym lit up, lit up with another schools challenge day. It was the first one ever done, and the only one, I do believe, that was ever recorded. Mr. W is our schools media guy, and he told me days ago and no camera's would be allowed in challenge day with us, we even had to have permission slips to go. So we watched this video. Of all these kids. Just. Like. Us. They sat by their friends. Had to move. They had to pick partners. They cried. They did the box. They hugged. They apologized to one another. At the end of the filming, the kids and teachers stood to one side of the gym. A single piece of white tape was down on the floor at their feet. You were to cross the line if anything said by the speaker had happened to you. You were to cross the line, and the turn back and look at the ones who hadn't.
Cross the line if you've ever been made fun of because of the color of your skin, or the glasses you had to wear. The braces on your teeth, the design of your clothes.
People crossed. Looked back, and then joined everyone back on the other side of the line.
Cross the line if you've lost someone close, a family member, a friend, someone you wish you could say a few last words to.
People crossed.
Cross the line..
People crossed.
Cross the line..
People crossed.
Cross the line if...
People crossed. And this time, when they looked back. There was No One left standing on the other side. Everyone was together. Everyone was the victim. Everyone realized they were the same.
I could hear the kids crying around me, breaking down like I was. Nate was rubbing my back, holding the hand that didn't contain a tissue in it. The lights came on. And Sella stepped up onto a box. She held up her microphone and told everyone to stand up if...
And we stood.
We looked around. And I could see their faces. The faces I see day after day and didn't know until then.
Until that moment.
We stood. And I cried harder than I ever have in my life.
We stood. And Caitlyn Jansen wrapped her arms around me and weeped.
And We Stood. Together.
Wow. Once the activity was done, Kekoe took up the microphone. And he held up a picture of his 9 month old baby boy.
And we all cried... because...everyone knew that was one of the cutest babies we'd ever seen...
Kekoe talked about his family. His life growing up. His life with his dad. His dad that didn't love him. And made sure he knew it.
So I told Nate about my dad in a whisper. About how I haven't seen him for 3 years. About how he made sure to tell me I wasn't good enough. That I wouldn't ever be good enough, and about how I was trash. I was a mistake and he didn't love me. He wasn't proud of my grades. He wasn't proud that I. Was. Me. And Nate said he didn't derserve me. And Kekoe told us about how his dad was abusive, and how his mom was the best thing in his life.
And we all cried. His speech kept going, through the suicide of a brother. Through the attempted suicide of his mother, how his dad made sure they didn't cry at the funeral. He told us about two of his brothers going to prison. They took a man's life.
And I looked back. And I looked at this man's life and what he made of himself. He has a wonderful partner, and they have a beautiful child. And they travel the country making kids cry and hug and love eachother. And I was in Awe. Of these people. These really, amazing people. Whom at one point. Were just like us.
Before his story was through I let go of Caitlyn and Nate, moving next to Adelle and wrapping my arms around my best friend as she cried. Kekoe was only a few feet from us, and I held her as she sobbed. Everyone could see and no one cared. Because every friend was holding their best friend. And it didn't matter that people think Adelle and I are lesbians. It didn't matter that our make up was running horribly. It didn't matter that we couldn't let eachother go. I forgave her for everything, and she forgave me. It was as if the weight of friendship, of backstabbing, of name calling was gone. Totally lifted, and only our true feelings remained. I hugged everyone once, twice, and three times more. Liza and Alyson came over, Rodney came and hugged Nate and I. Caitlyn and I hugged, we all hugged.
Hugged away the pain and whiped away the tears.
I looked up and people started filing out of the gym, Nate was gone. But he found me. We moved chairs and bumped into people but he took up my hand and started to lead me out. We got stopped by Mrs. Farr. She's the toughest English teacher I've ever known, and she pushes everyone to do their best, as good teachers should. She pulled me and Nate aside and hugged us both. She told Nate she'd never been more proud of a young man. Never been more proud to see him comfort me like he did during that assembly. She told him that he was wonderful. And he finally had something to be proud of.
That was my day. Or thats where I'll end it. With some closing things...
I came home, and Vicky wasn't so nice on the bus. It made me upset, and I told her. Because I'm not going to just sit by and watch anymore. She kept telling Michelle to shut up, and Michelle was only talking to me. So I told her to move her ass up front, cuz ain't none of us wanna hear that shit. She said she was joking. And I forgave. Because thats all I can do. I've seen Vicky bawl her eyes out and I've seen her be a bitch. I know what it's like where she lives, and I know she's my friend. Thats all I can say.
I came home, and I told my mom almost everything I just told you. I cried when I told her about Nate's cutting. It's just not something I'm up to facing right now. I gave her my card, and she almost cried, pulling me into a hug.
Then I slept. And Bud called. Bud has a crush on me, and tonight he told me about his friends dying. From his old school. He told me things I didn't know. And things I'm sure no one else does. I've seen this kid cut names into his leg, seen the scars, weeks and months after I knew he'd done it... And Bud told me that last night, he'd prayed, like every night. He'd prayed to just have one chance with me.
And I made eggs & toast. And I missed Elly. And Liza told me that Nate and I looked cute and that Dan Pardo thinks we're going out. And I told Kari to read this. Because it should help her. And I wanna tell Elly I miss her really bad. Because she didn't call like she said she would. And I wanna tell Fen thanks for reading this, like I'm about to ask her too... I love you.
And I love everyone. Without question.
Please get comfy if you plan to stick this out...it's going to be long. And it's probably going to be boring in some way, as it doesn't effect you... but it is important that I share it anyway. Thank you.
Please read this if you have the time. If you think you know me... If you ever wanted a change.
A day I'll never forget...
Most of you have no idea what a Teen Summit is... well. It's simple. Our school got grants and was fortunate enough to host Michigan's Teen Summit this year, we called it "Construct Your Future" because our school is under construction this year... It's a day for tons of speakers to come into your school, have breakout sessions, talk about all the dirty aspects of High School. It's not like when your school hires one of those guys to come in and talk about his drinking problem and how it ruined his life... it was all about us. What affects us, and how, basically, we're going to change that. If we want to...
*I did mention this would be LONG right?*
My schedule for the day:
1. Seminar
2. Opening - "No More Fear" (basically, a man talked to us about how the day would go..)
3. No Zebras-No Excuses (only our upperclassman got to see this one, because of the language and material)
4. Challenge Day (long story, you'll hear all about it)
5. Racism & Sexism (we took this for Rodney)
6. Lunch & Info Booths
7. Eric Hipple (Lions Quarterback **note: the Lions are Michigan's state football team, if you didn't know, lol** and he was here to talk about depression)
8. Stress Management
9. "Keep the Challenge Alive" (Basically, the best part of my day...)
First off, you need to know how I started the day.
I woke up this morning, and had Mo (my lil sister) lie to my mom after she crawled into bed with me. She had to tell her I went to bed... well, a LOT earlier than I really had. I lie every night.
I got ready, was really nervous, because we had been told we were gonna cry, and mom didn't want me to wear my eyeliner, lol, but of course that didn't happen. I got to school, found Andrea, and bought breakfast with the money Adelle gave me as a ransom for Chad's hat. (I gave it back, lol) We walked the halls until we found Rodney, who gave me his PRIDE hoodie that has the letters in a backdrop of rainbows. I put it on, and walked with Andrea some more. As I did, I could hear cat calls through the halls, and I wanted to cry as she held my hand. People were wondering why I, me, Addriana Carr was wearing that gay freshman's clothes, why I was supporting his 'faggoty self'. I stuck it out, wanting to crawl out of my skin and hate everyone I saw. And I did.
Seminar: My first hour, where everyone got their schedules and talked until we headed to the gym. In here, I talked with Tyler, Danielle, Ryan, and Darcy, all of us Juniors cept Dar, and we've never really sat down to chat. Danielle told Tyler (who was my first kiss) about Elly, in Canada, and of course, I exspected him to make fun of me, like a lot of other people do. I mean, she lives in another country...but he didn't. He exclaimed that it was cool, that he really liked traveling to Canada and that it was cool that my mom was letting her stay with me this summer.
1st thinger: We all headed to the gym, me and Adelle and Andrea getting gum from my locker and then going inside to sit in our chairs in front of the stage. The speaker seemed cool, a nice guy who helped out battered women, and he made sure we knew how battered they were. He made sure to address the men in the room during skits the college kids were doing about rape and violence and disrespect. He made sure to call every guy in that gym a man. And that every man had a responsibility to the girl sitting next to him. That they had to protect us, they were our friends. That one out of every four woman is accosting and sexually harrassed. He made sure we knew that this wasn't a game. And that you can't be a zebra and just watch as one of your herd gets eaten by the fucking lion. He made sure every man in that room wanted to protect every girl in that room from what was going on onstage. The college kids, they were actors, and they put on amazing performances, for being friends, it had to be hard. One guy smacked a girls ass, called her a bitch, told her she wanted it. Another rubbed his ass in a guys face, asking him if the butt pirate wanted a piece... One guy was getting a chick drunk and told his friends about it before he took her away from the party and raped her.. her guy friend didn't know what was going on, and he came onstage, yelling that it was his fault. And he was the asshole because he hadn't protected her... another one was a girl getting raped, and how she cried afterwards. The guy stood to one side, and she the other. The had the same worries, "Will I get aids?" "What will happen if she goes to the cops?" "I don't want my life to be over..."
That was really touching. But not life changing in any way. We're teenagers, we know this stuff happens. The thing was...none of us really knew that it happens to everyone.
Challenge Day: Warning--Long and emotional.
Wow. Thats how I could describe this hour in one word. But then you wouldn't understand just why that is. So I'm going to tell you... I walked with Adelle the Elementary gym, where the session was being held... Adelle is my best friend as most of you know. We've been together since 5th grade, about 8 years now. And in that time, we've backstabbed, we've lied, I've called her a skany bitch hoe motherfucker piece of shit slut and I know she's called me the same. When we walked into that room, we didn't know we'd come out, forgiving eachother and crying out eachothers names. Telling my best friend that I loved her. Unconditionally, that she was amazing, and that I was sorry. I was so god damn sorry for all the things we've done to eachother. She felt the same.
We walked inside, sat down next to eachother, and waved our friends Allyson & Nicole over, god forbid we sit next to someone we didn't know. Have to stick together.
The lady, Sella, was yelling into a microphone, telling us to get rid of anything extra, put it agains the wall, we wouldn't be in our seats for very long. She introduced us to her best friend in the entire world, Kakoe, I think. And she explained she was a momma so we better not run her over, lol. They got us on the edge of our seats, told us to make sure our booties were loose, and then we had to run, had to run to the other side of the gym, sitting in the first seat you came to. No one held back, we were nervous and screaming and we tried to get by our friends, but it didn't work. We were separated. Then we had to do it again. Everyone was giggling from nerves and excitment. We had to hop across the gym this time, find a new seat, I ran into a bunch of people I've never met, kids I see everyday, and later on Adelle said that it felt a lot like a most pit. I ended up next to Caitlyn Jansen. Most of you probably know that I had a crush on her older brother, he was, in truth, the first guy I ever really loved. We've been getting along, me and Caitlyn, so it didn't feel weird or anything, she's a nice girl. On my other side, there was a boy. I think he might have been from a different school but I'm not sure. Goes to show you how well we really know eachother. He didn't look like someone I'd want to talk to. He looked kinda dirty, like the kid no one was friends with. But then I coughed, I've been getting over a horrid cold. And he asked me really nicely if I was okay. And thats when I was really hit with a sense of Awe. I didn't know this kid, and he didn't know me. I looked like a weird dyke.. gay pride hoodie, nose ring, tons of eyeliner. And he looked like a kid with no friends. But he cared. So I cared about him.
Sella told everyone to get into pairs, she wanted us to get with someone of a different sex, someone we didn't really know at all. Some people prolly wanted to cheat, but I didn't. I wanted to make this expierence the best it could be... I didn't get the chance though. We had about 30 seconds to find a stranger/partner...and Nathan Eisenhower ran up to me. Nate is the guy that proposed to me a few months ago, lol, in gym class. He's a sweetheart, but a really big druggy. His girlfriend is a cute little redheaded freshmen that he couldn't remember for weeks on end... It's kinda strange. I thought I had Nate figured out... It turns out I didn't. We giggled as we sat down, me yelling at him for cheating, we totally knew eachother. They told us to sit face to face with our new friend, hold their hands, and look into their eyes. I wouldn't look at Nate. It was akward, I mean, it's Nate he's the stuff dreams are made up of, lol. The totally cool kid that everyone gets along with... perfect. So I thought.
She told us to talk about something. It could be anything we wanted. And we weren't sure where to begin. He started by looking at my hoodie, and asking about Rodney. Which fucking amazed me. He remembered how I cried when Rodney said he was leaving the school. He remembered his name, and that it was clearly his hoodie, through the drugs. Zanex (sp?) and pot this morning was his breakfast, he told me earlier this morning. And he remembered. Sella went to a few groups of people, asking us what we talked about (there were about 50 as we had each session with 100 students/teachers) when she asked us, I told her we talked about friends. And she said that was something no one ever talked about the first time, so that was cool.
A few minutes later we had to move our chairs, and not leave our partners side, we sat in a semi-circle around this piece of paper that was taped to the wall. Sella started talking about her life. How she had a son 9 months ago, she lifted up his picture, and showed us how happy he was. Nate leaned over and exclaimed that was one of the cutest babies he'd ever seen. Sella told us about being babies. How free we were. How we did the bootie dance and no one laughed at us... and how we didn't care. She told us that we didn't come into this world saying "I'm going to hurt someones feelings each and every day." that we weren't born caring about keeping up our image, because back then, we were perfect. We were told, be our familes, the kids in kindergarden, in some silent way, to play this game. This game in life in which we couldn't stop, a game no one said we didn't have to play. It's sorta like the game of "Me against the world."
Sella told us about her dad. How he was the center of her universe... he was her hero and she was his princess. She told us about when she was 6 years old. And how he sat her on his knee one night, and her world fell apart. He told her "Sella, you're a girl. And that means your mom is gonna take care of you now." She said she had been confused. Because, damn. If she had known that was the last time she'd love her father unconditionally she woulda grabbed ahold of him and never let go. This was where I started to cry. I tried to stop the tears, but I couldn't really blink them away. Nate held my hand and I tried not to get eyeliner on Rodney's hoodie. Sella then drew a box on the sheet of paper, telling us and labeling it the "BE A MAN" box. She drew harsh arrows into the box, screaming "Don't give up, don't cry, don't be a pussy, did I raise you like that? Whats wrong with you? Don't cry, be strong, you've gotta be tough!" I was still holding Nates hand, and I looked over as Sella told us that each and every guy was thrown into that box from an early age. And by his exspression I knew she was telling the truth. I cried harder. She told us about Image. How it's like an iceberg. You only see 10% of it, just like you only see 10% of people. You don't know whats just below the water, you don't know the person sitting next to you. She explained that if everyone shoved their image aside and showed some part of our true selves, then we could be as free as babies again. We could once more, be almost perfect.
We left the big semi-circle to sit back and away with our partners. We had to pick a part, A or B. Letter A would tell B something about themselves that no one else knew, how their life was, whatever we wanted. B was supposed to stay silent and listen. Then we'd switch roles. I was crying, and Nate keeping rubbing my hands as I tried to talk. I didn't know what to say, as I'm sure no one else did either. I told him that I liked sex, lol, that no one would guess that I was a nympho, I told him about my parents drinking problem, and that I was scared. All the fucking time. I was scared of the world and what was gonna happen in it. And he listened. When it was Nate's turn, he told me that he smoked pot, which I knew, and he told me that he didn't want me to be scared, and that I shouldn't cry. I looked up, and I swear to God the tears were forming in his eyes. He was gonna let them start spilling simply because he couldn't get me to stop. Next we did something hard. One partner had to get pens and cards from a table, and put them under their partners chair. It was mostly guys, the girls being left to sit and cry in their seats. Nate took up my hands again as they told us to close our eyes. We were supposed to think of one person. One person that means the world to us. Someone we loved unconditionally and always would. They wanted us to picture that person, sitting next to us. Wanted us to imagine that this was the last time we'd ever see them...and then we had to write on the cards what we'd say... what we'd say if they were really here right then, holding our hands instead. I wrote mine to my mom. I didn't know quite what to say.. but I thought about it. Kakoe was talking quietly in the background, asking us how many times we could say I love you in one single letter... and sad music was playing under his voice.
Mine was short...
Hey Mom,
I love you. Everything you've ever done for me made me better... You are my life and I couldn't love you more.
I'll always save you...
♥AddyCarr
Nate took a while longer than I did with his, and thats fine cuz I was crying the whole time. Sella was passing out tissues and she gave me tons, thank god. lol. I really needed them.
Finally, we had to switch seats, wiping our tears and trying to take deep breaths. We were supposed to challenge the other person and ourselves. We were supposed to say "From now on I challenge myself to *dotdotdot*" and the other person was supposed to do one better, and we'd go back and forth.
Addy: I challenge myself not to call Rodney a fag anymore.
Nate: I challenge myself not to call anyone a fag anymore.
Addy: I challenge myself to be nice to everyone from now on.
Nate: Why don't you just go for the fucking gold gates, damn overachiever. lol
Addy: I WIN!!!
And so I won. Obviously. lol. He was happy to get a smile otta me. Then we had to yell something, something loud, that we were proud of. The other person was supposed to be like, our cheerleader, making us yell it louder and louder. I didn't have anything I was proud of. Not one single thing. Nate tried to get me to say something, but I was just sopping up my tears, so he said that I should yell I'm hot because I'd been crying for an hour straight and still looked beautiful. :) He didn't have anything to say either. So... we weren't proud of ourselves. But people were proud of us today. (I'll get back on that.)
The challenge was almost over, and we were told to push our chairs back and sit back with the entire group, we got inside the ring of chairs, wrapping each arm around the two other people beside you. Nate was on my right, with Mr. Brines (My American Lit teacher)on my left. We looked around, all the girls having red faces and smudged make up. Everyone was crying. I didn't know half of those kids. But in that moment, we were the best of friends. We promised that we'd look out, and we'd be nice to eachother. We'd never act like we did when we had walked into that room. Everyone had something sad to say, and now everyone else knew it was true. We. Are. All. The. Same. I looked around that circle, at kids I knew had made fun of Rodney, kids I knew had talked shit about me, Adelle, and Andrea. And I couldn't see a single face that I hated. I couldn't see anyone in that room that I didn't love with all my heart and soul.
Afterwards, we got a few minutes to hug before we had to head back to the high school. I hugged Andy, a kid I've had one conversation with. I hugged Caitlyn Jansen, Nicole Nutt, Adelle, Nate, Helena Spencer... I hugged whomever I could see. And everyone was crying out "I love you's" Everyone was your best friend...
Walking back to the high school was amazing. Adelle linked arms with me, as Nate held me close to his side, Helena had her arms around Nate, Andy around Helena, and Nicole around Andy. We walked back into our hell, the place we all knew was bad for us. A place we would be again, made fun of in. We were crying, but we were hugging, and no one cared that everyone would see. No one cared that we had to turn sideways to get through the doors, and no one cared that we gave departing hugs once back, under the eyes of the kids that didn't go to challenge day. We compared schedules, Nate ecstatic when he saw we had all the same sessions.
Racism, Sexism:
Nate held my arm, and sat me at a table in the cafeteria, the one where Rodney was sitting. lol. The session was just a huge let down after challenge day. Me and Nate weren't really paying attention and we were just sitting there, thinking things over. Until he handed me his card. The one he was supposed to write to the most important person in his life.
I'm going to share this with all of you, even though it's the closest thing to my heart right now..
Addy dearest,
I love you and I would like to tell you that no matter what people may say, you are the best person in the world, and I can't spell, so sorry, but I do love you baby, and know that no matter where we are, far away, or close together, I will always have you in my heart. Love you baby.
He messed up a few words, and didn't have commas, lol. And thats why he apologized for the grammar, which is just fine. I was really touched, and I couldn't believe he'd write something like that to me. I'm no one. Honest to Christ. And I had no idea, walking in to school today, that some druggy I knew only from Spanish and gym class was gonna turn out to be my savior. I didn't know boys could be that sweet, I really didn't. I didn't know anyone would say something like that to me. But he did.
We kept getting bored in the session, it seemed almost pointless. And then they wanted to split us up. Jan-Mar birthdays at this table, April-July birthdays ect. Me and Nate had different tables, but he didn't move to sit with everyone else from August. He stayed cuz he didn't want to go. And that was fine. The tables were doing a project, supposedly describing what the effects of each seniro we were given was. Chad stood up for his table, to talk about violence against mexican americans, how very fitting that he was one. Nate pointed to him and asked me if that was one of my friends, and I said yeah, thats Chad, he's Adelle's bf, I had a crush on him (Note: I told Nate what she did to me months ago and he told me that he didn't know an Adelle. She didn't exsist as far as he was concerned). Nate thought that Chad was Rodney, not knowing which one of them was the gay one, it was hilarious. I pointed out my baby, in his hot pink shirt and emoxcore hair and Nate smiled. I told him about the hoodie incidents this morning, how me and Andrea got cat-called as we walked down the halls after I put it on. He was silent for a few seconds, so I took the time to mention something Vicky told me yesturday on the bus. That their family wasn't just moving because of Rodney's issues... Autumn, she's about 6 years old, and cute as hell, she's black. All the little kids in Rod's family are. She sleeps with me when I go over there and I pet her hair... Vicky said that she came home from school a few days ago, went to her room and painted her face white. Litterally. I almost cried when she said that. She's a six year old who's in kindergarden. She shouldn't feel that left out, that alone, that desperate. She should be making friends and playing with barbies. Not fucking painting her skin so that she looks like everyone else... Nate was upset when I told him, no one in their right mind thinks thats right. He had his arms around me when he asked where we got Rodney's hoodie. I told him that we got it online and he said he was buying one. I gave him a funny look. Afterwhich he told me he was gonna buy one for every day of the week. And if he heard anyone talk any shit, he'd kill them. Plain and simple. So.. yeah. That was like Yay.
Next was lunch, during which I was hungry, but sick to my stomach from crying. So I got a cookie, and we sat together, everyone else just pilling into the caferteria after us. I showed him how to blow the lil wrappers off the straws, and only his worked. *eyeroll* I thought it was totally unfair! lol. After my delightful cookie & milk bindge we went to find our next session, which was down the 100 hall and well, since it's our school, it was like only 50 feet away, lol. We found the little info booths in the back hallway, and searched for the ones on drugs. Because I want Nathan to stop killing himself slowly, and he humored me because he wanted me to stop crying. We didn't find the drug ones when we looked, but we found 'relationship abuse' ones. Which was funny, cuz the lady gave us a smile and we continued on, not taking anything. Later on, we found Jen and Noah, Nate's really good friends, and Jen's friends with me, cuz the three of us have spanish together. We went outside, and Jen and I made terrible attempts to play hackie sac with the guys until lunch was over.
Eric Hipple: As I said, he was the quartback of the Detroit Lions football team, some years ago. And he was pretty nice, his topic was depression. Aparently, his son had committed suicide when he was 15 years old, and he hadn't seen any of the warning signs. He'd been writing letters back and forth with a girl, whom also wanted to kill herself. We didn't learn much, as we were very bored, but we listened and sympathized with him. No one close to me has ever died. A friend's grandma once had, and I cried, having known her my whole life, but that was all. Thats the only one. Nate almost fell asleep during this one and I told he could, I'd carry him to stress managment.
Stress Management: this session was in Mr. Thomas's classroom, and there were about 25-ish other students with us. A guy from CMU (Central Michigan University, the college a few towns over) gave a presentation on stress and addictions that made everyone yawn. It was great, we were all just really tired, and all really happy/sad. Once the slides were done, they asked if anyone had any remarks or questions. No one said a word... Until Vanna spoke up. She told us about her uncle's drinking problem. Some people related, and eventually the conversation moved into cutting.
I cut. But I didn't think I would tell anyone.
So Nate did first.
He lifted his sleeve as we sat side by side, and I could see the scars. I'd never seen them before, which was amazing. I see him everyday. In a god damn wife-beater and shorts. I didn't guess for two seconds that he had cuts running up his wrists, and down his ankles... he raised his hand after I told him that I cut to. He told everyone in that room (no one had admitted to cutting themselves as of yet, only knowing kids who did) he told them that he did it years and years ago. In 6th grade. He was fucking 12 years old... and he couldn't stop. He stopped with his wrists eventually, moving on to his ankles because people couldn't see the marks down there... I told everyone why I cut last year. Because I wanted to punish myself when I caused other people pain. When the group moved on I hugged Nate and asked him why he cut all those years ago. Because I remember Nate in 6th grade. I have my first memory of him then. The first thing he ever said to me was "Don't take the lords name in vain" and he didn't say it nicely. I didn't think that Nate had anything to loose back then. He was popular, he was cute, he had girlfriends and good grades and he had all the things I didn't. It turns out I was completely wrong. Because as I sat there and held him, he told me that back then, he'd been alone. He'd had about 4 friends, the only people in the world he could trust, (and I happen to know one of them is sorta gone). He said that he'd been made fun of, that kids had called him gay. And well. Wasn't that a shocker for me. No one calls Nathan Eisenhower gay. He's stronger and faster and tougher than any guy I've ever met. He lifts twice as much weight as all the guys in my gym class put together, I shit you not. He had family problems, he had issues. Life was a mess for him. And all that time, I'd thought he'd had it made. Cuz I sure as hell didn't. Isn't it funny how you never really know someone? Someone you've been giving hugs to, proposing marriage to, telling them you loved them without even really knowing who they were...
Keep the Challenge Alive: This was the end of the day, everyone moved once more to the gym. Nate and I looked for Jen and Noah, and eventually Adelle and Andrea found us. Our order was thus:
Andy, Helena, Jen, Noah, Caitlyn, Me, Nate, Andrea, someone?, & Adelle rounded out the row. We might have called eachother aquaintances, and some of us were friends before that hour. That changed too.
They shut off the lights, a screen at the front of the gym lit up, lit up with another schools challenge day. It was the first one ever done, and the only one, I do believe, that was ever recorded. Mr. W is our schools media guy, and he told me days ago and no camera's would be allowed in challenge day with us, we even had to have permission slips to go. So we watched this video. Of all these kids. Just. Like. Us. They sat by their friends. Had to move. They had to pick partners. They cried. They did the box. They hugged. They apologized to one another. At the end of the filming, the kids and teachers stood to one side of the gym. A single piece of white tape was down on the floor at their feet. You were to cross the line if anything said by the speaker had happened to you. You were to cross the line, and the turn back and look at the ones who hadn't.
Cross the line if you've ever been made fun of because of the color of your skin, or the glasses you had to wear. The braces on your teeth, the design of your clothes.
People crossed. Looked back, and then joined everyone back on the other side of the line.
Cross the line if you've lost someone close, a family member, a friend, someone you wish you could say a few last words to.
People crossed.
Cross the line..
People crossed.
Cross the line..
People crossed.
Cross the line if...
People crossed. And this time, when they looked back. There was No One left standing on the other side. Everyone was together. Everyone was the victim. Everyone realized they were the same.
I could hear the kids crying around me, breaking down like I was. Nate was rubbing my back, holding the hand that didn't contain a tissue in it. The lights came on. And Sella stepped up onto a box. She held up her microphone and told everyone to stand up if...
And we stood.
We looked around. And I could see their faces. The faces I see day after day and didn't know until then.
Until that moment.
We stood. And I cried harder than I ever have in my life.
We stood. And Caitlyn Jansen wrapped her arms around me and weeped.
And We Stood. Together.
Wow. Once the activity was done, Kekoe took up the microphone. And he held up a picture of his 9 month old baby boy.
And we all cried... because...everyone knew that was one of the cutest babies we'd ever seen...
Kekoe talked about his family. His life growing up. His life with his dad. His dad that didn't love him. And made sure he knew it.
So I told Nate about my dad in a whisper. About how I haven't seen him for 3 years. About how he made sure to tell me I wasn't good enough. That I wouldn't ever be good enough, and about how I was trash. I was a mistake and he didn't love me. He wasn't proud of my grades. He wasn't proud that I. Was. Me. And Nate said he didn't derserve me. And Kekoe told us about how his dad was abusive, and how his mom was the best thing in his life.
And we all cried. His speech kept going, through the suicide of a brother. Through the attempted suicide of his mother, how his dad made sure they didn't cry at the funeral. He told us about two of his brothers going to prison. They took a man's life.
And I looked back. And I looked at this man's life and what he made of himself. He has a wonderful partner, and they have a beautiful child. And they travel the country making kids cry and hug and love eachother. And I was in Awe. Of these people. These really, amazing people. Whom at one point. Were just like us.
Before his story was through I let go of Caitlyn and Nate, moving next to Adelle and wrapping my arms around my best friend as she cried. Kekoe was only a few feet from us, and I held her as she sobbed. Everyone could see and no one cared. Because every friend was holding their best friend. And it didn't matter that people think Adelle and I are lesbians. It didn't matter that our make up was running horribly. It didn't matter that we couldn't let eachother go. I forgave her for everything, and she forgave me. It was as if the weight of friendship, of backstabbing, of name calling was gone. Totally lifted, and only our true feelings remained. I hugged everyone once, twice, and three times more. Liza and Alyson came over, Rodney came and hugged Nate and I. Caitlyn and I hugged, we all hugged.
Hugged away the pain and whiped away the tears.
I looked up and people started filing out of the gym, Nate was gone. But he found me. We moved chairs and bumped into people but he took up my hand and started to lead me out. We got stopped by Mrs. Farr. She's the toughest English teacher I've ever known, and she pushes everyone to do their best, as good teachers should. She pulled me and Nate aside and hugged us both. She told Nate she'd never been more proud of a young man. Never been more proud to see him comfort me like he did during that assembly. She told him that he was wonderful. And he finally had something to be proud of.
That was my day. Or thats where I'll end it. With some closing things...
I came home, and Vicky wasn't so nice on the bus. It made me upset, and I told her. Because I'm not going to just sit by and watch anymore. She kept telling Michelle to shut up, and Michelle was only talking to me. So I told her to move her ass up front, cuz ain't none of us wanna hear that shit. She said she was joking. And I forgave. Because thats all I can do. I've seen Vicky bawl her eyes out and I've seen her be a bitch. I know what it's like where she lives, and I know she's my friend. Thats all I can say.
I came home, and I told my mom almost everything I just told you. I cried when I told her about Nate's cutting. It's just not something I'm up to facing right now. I gave her my card, and she almost cried, pulling me into a hug.
Then I slept. And Bud called. Bud has a crush on me, and tonight he told me about his friends dying. From his old school. He told me things I didn't know. And things I'm sure no one else does. I've seen this kid cut names into his leg, seen the scars, weeks and months after I knew he'd done it... And Bud told me that last night, he'd prayed, like every night. He'd prayed to just have one chance with me.
And I made eggs & toast. And I missed Elly. And Liza told me that Nate and I looked cute and that Dan Pardo thinks we're going out. And I told Kari to read this. Because it should help her. And I wanna tell Elly I miss her really bad. Because she didn't call like she said she would. And I wanna tell Fen thanks for reading this, like I'm about to ask her too... I love you.
And I love everyone. Without question.