Entry #714- Take aim at myself, take back what you said
It feels like a month since I last wrote. How sad.
I have so much to say but I don't know. We'll see.
I'm thinking of changing to friends only, just because that's the mood I'm in today. But we'll see, because I think this might just be some sleep-deprived emoness.
I got my senior pictures back today. I'm disappointed, to say the least. There are only a few pictures that are okay to me, the rest are just blah. My hair was crazy, the wind didn't help, and it was all so fake. I don't know what I'm going to do about that, so we'll see. Part of me would rather just do it myself, because I don't feel half as ridiculous when I camwhore by myself. I just don't really care for them, and it makes me sad. They're supposed to be perfect.
Or at least close.
I don't know why I'm on here anymore. This journal is fake. This isn't me. I have to get on and pretend to be happy because no one wants to hear me bitch, but even then only a few people actually read what I have to say... so what's the point? There is no point. It is pointless.
I have no reason to be this disappointed. Okay, I have my reasons, but they're stupid. I look forward to things too much, things that never turn out how they should.
Not to mention I'm back into my boyfriendless depression. All I ever think about when I'm by myself is how alone I am. And how I can't picture myself going to any other college than Iowa. But I feel like I'll never get a boyfriend and I can't go to Iowa.
*sigh*
There isn't even anything for me to really love in Iowa, it's mostly corn and shit. But I've grown up on the campus, cheering for the Hawkeyes, wearing their paraphernalia... I would feel like a traitor rooting for anyone else. It's at least a decent school academically, and... there's just something about being able to start over new while still being able to have just a few familiar faces (Dave and Brooke, namely) to fall back on if needed. I know Brooke would help me if I needed it, she's a sweetheart like that. And Dave was the one campaigning to get me to go there.
But at the same time, my dad is threatening to move to Iowa if I go there, which would mean that I would almost never come back to Colorado and see my friends, and it would effect my mom, who really really doesn't want to move to Iowa. I don't blame her. I don't want to move to Iowa, I just want to go to college there, and come home. Colorado will always be my home. I just... need out so that I can know why Colorado is my home. And I feel like we can't afford it. Which is absurd, because they should be willing to spend the same amount of money on my college as Dave's, but... there's something about the way everything is going that I just feel like we can't afford it.
This is me rambling. I suppose you can disregard all of the above. Not that you won't just do that on your own.
Manda
P.S. One of the older gentlemen in my congregation passed away on Saturday. Harold Fitzner, married to Betty, closer friends of my mother's. He was in his late 80's, and it's been coming for a while, but it's really hit my mom hard. Betty and Harold were one of those perfectly in love old couples that all women hope to be a part of. I don't know how much longer Betty will be alive now... So to those who pray, keep her in your hearts and prayers. Rest in peace, Harold.
I have so much to say but I don't know. We'll see.
I'm thinking of changing to friends only, just because that's the mood I'm in today. But we'll see, because I think this might just be some sleep-deprived emoness.
I got my senior pictures back today. I'm disappointed, to say the least. There are only a few pictures that are okay to me, the rest are just blah. My hair was crazy, the wind didn't help, and it was all so fake. I don't know what I'm going to do about that, so we'll see. Part of me would rather just do it myself, because I don't feel half as ridiculous when I camwhore by myself. I just don't really care for them, and it makes me sad. They're supposed to be perfect.
Or at least close.
I don't know why I'm on here anymore. This journal is fake. This isn't me. I have to get on and pretend to be happy because no one wants to hear me bitch, but even then only a few people actually read what I have to say... so what's the point? There is no point. It is pointless.
I have no reason to be this disappointed. Okay, I have my reasons, but they're stupid. I look forward to things too much, things that never turn out how they should.
Not to mention I'm back into my boyfriendless depression. All I ever think about when I'm by myself is how alone I am. And how I can't picture myself going to any other college than Iowa. But I feel like I'll never get a boyfriend and I can't go to Iowa.
*sigh*
There isn't even anything for me to really love in Iowa, it's mostly corn and shit. But I've grown up on the campus, cheering for the Hawkeyes, wearing their paraphernalia... I would feel like a traitor rooting for anyone else. It's at least a decent school academically, and... there's just something about being able to start over new while still being able to have just a few familiar faces (Dave and Brooke, namely) to fall back on if needed. I know Brooke would help me if I needed it, she's a sweetheart like that. And Dave was the one campaigning to get me to go there.
But at the same time, my dad is threatening to move to Iowa if I go there, which would mean that I would almost never come back to Colorado and see my friends, and it would effect my mom, who really really doesn't want to move to Iowa. I don't blame her. I don't want to move to Iowa, I just want to go to college there, and come home. Colorado will always be my home. I just... need out so that I can know why Colorado is my home. And I feel like we can't afford it. Which is absurd, because they should be willing to spend the same amount of money on my college as Dave's, but... there's something about the way everything is going that I just feel like we can't afford it.
This is me rambling. I suppose you can disregard all of the above. Not that you won't just do that on your own.
Manda
P.S. One of the older gentlemen in my congregation passed away on Saturday. Harold Fitzner, married to Betty, closer friends of my mother's. He was in his late 80's, and it's been coming for a while, but it's really hit my mom hard. Betty and Harold were one of those perfectly in love old couples that all women hope to be a part of. I don't know how much longer Betty will be alive now... So to those who pray, keep her in your hearts and prayers. Rest in peace, Harold.