I can hardly speak, I understand why you can't raise your voice to say...
It's Tuesday at 12:52am and for some reason I have been awake for 18 hours straight running on empty. I just got done watching the last episode of Grey's Anatomy since they have past episodes on abc.com. It is good to know because I didn't anticipate that they had a new episode on Thanksgiving Day, but at the same time, I didn't think that a lot of the things that took place that day would occur. But anyways...looks like trouble at the hospital, so I guess I should look forward to Thursday's episode.
So, I guess this week is going to take a lot of effort on my part in terms of personal strength. I feel like since almost 3 days ago all of the past year and a half + was raped from me. I know that term is sort of heinous, but it was. I feel as if a part of me won't be able to fully let go of some of the things I learned about the hidden happenings between people in my life and others. I feel like less of a person from all of it and as much as I try to be happy, it is hard to go on normally. I have not been normal for one second in the past 72 hours. I am a good faker...I give myself that much. I wish I knew how to deal with the emotions or lack of going on in my brain. I try to function smoothly, but my thoughts always turn to my insecurities. They always think about the worst. I always wonder, what if, at this very second, my worst nightmare is happening AGAIN while my eyes are completely shut?
As much as I want to forgive and forget people for their wrongdoings, I don't think I can yet. I can deal with it and try my best to be as normal as possible, but that is my personal best right now. I can't do any better than that and for anyone to expect more than that from me would be crazy. When you get hit in the head with a steel pipe you don't recover right away. When you find out that the last two years of your life were based on a huge lie, you just can't function at the best of your ability. As much as I just want to stop thinking about it, I can't right now. I'm bothered. Don't get me wrong...I still love, but as for the other elements that make up the subdivisions of love, those are shattered right now. Those can't be repaired until I am repaired. I am nowhere near repaired. No one can just tell me things won't be that way anymore and expect me to be perfect. That isn't reality. All I can be is who I am and if people can't appreciate me for me, then they can do whatever they want without me in their life. I need constant reassurance. I need people to show me in as many ways as possible that they are serious about fixing things and that they are serious with me.
But aside from that...my coworker is quitting. Her last day is possibly on Friday, but no one really knows because for some reason she is keeping it as some strange secret. We will do perfectly fine without her, but once I leave, I don't know what they are going to do if I can't find someone. They don't seem to be the best judgement when it comes to prospective employees. I have been there the longest behind my coworker Dan. This month marked my fifth year. So about work...my boss approached me today and told me that he realizes that I will be leaving sooner than not and told me he was giving me a raise for the time being. He probably knows that I will have to put in more work and learn how to do more before I go. I guess I may have to take over things for a couple days in January, so that will be interesting.
I guess if something has to raise my self-esteem, I don't mind it being work. As much as I despise my job, I won't complain that it is doing something for me right now that nothing else can do. Watching people happy and getting engaged left and right at school isn't helping right now, that's for sure. I just wonder if they had to deal with what I am dealing with right now...probably not. I always get the shaft in the deal. Obtaining true happiness for me is like pulling myself out of quicksand.
So, I guess this week is going to take a lot of effort on my part in terms of personal strength. I feel like since almost 3 days ago all of the past year and a half + was raped from me. I know that term is sort of heinous, but it was. I feel as if a part of me won't be able to fully let go of some of the things I learned about the hidden happenings between people in my life and others. I feel like less of a person from all of it and as much as I try to be happy, it is hard to go on normally. I have not been normal for one second in the past 72 hours. I am a good faker...I give myself that much. I wish I knew how to deal with the emotions or lack of going on in my brain. I try to function smoothly, but my thoughts always turn to my insecurities. They always think about the worst. I always wonder, what if, at this very second, my worst nightmare is happening AGAIN while my eyes are completely shut?
As much as I want to forgive and forget people for their wrongdoings, I don't think I can yet. I can deal with it and try my best to be as normal as possible, but that is my personal best right now. I can't do any better than that and for anyone to expect more than that from me would be crazy. When you get hit in the head with a steel pipe you don't recover right away. When you find out that the last two years of your life were based on a huge lie, you just can't function at the best of your ability. As much as I just want to stop thinking about it, I can't right now. I'm bothered. Don't get me wrong...I still love, but as for the other elements that make up the subdivisions of love, those are shattered right now. Those can't be repaired until I am repaired. I am nowhere near repaired. No one can just tell me things won't be that way anymore and expect me to be perfect. That isn't reality. All I can be is who I am and if people can't appreciate me for me, then they can do whatever they want without me in their life. I need constant reassurance. I need people to show me in as many ways as possible that they are serious about fixing things and that they are serious with me.
But aside from that...my coworker is quitting. Her last day is possibly on Friday, but no one really knows because for some reason she is keeping it as some strange secret. We will do perfectly fine without her, but once I leave, I don't know what they are going to do if I can't find someone. They don't seem to be the best judgement when it comes to prospective employees. I have been there the longest behind my coworker Dan. This month marked my fifth year. So about work...my boss approached me today and told me that he realizes that I will be leaving sooner than not and told me he was giving me a raise for the time being. He probably knows that I will have to put in more work and learn how to do more before I go. I guess I may have to take over things for a couple days in January, so that will be interesting.
I guess if something has to raise my self-esteem, I don't mind it being work. As much as I despise my job, I won't complain that it is doing something for me right now that nothing else can do. Watching people happy and getting engaged left and right at school isn't helping right now, that's for sure. I just wonder if they had to deal with what I am dealing with right now...probably not. I always get the shaft in the deal. Obtaining true happiness for me is like pulling myself out of quicksand.