(no subject)
I'm starting to think my life is cursed. When things seem like they are going my way, they are going anywhere but my way. I feel like my whole existence has just sunk to an all-time low. I feel so second-rate. Not only am I irritated that certain people are reading my Xanga for the purpose of waiting to see how long it is until I find out the truth about stuff (yea, my life is probably a comedy to some people), but everything I thought was a certain way isn't and it is going to take a long time to repair the damage inside of me. Sometimes I wonder why I was such an idiot to let things go on the way they did for so long. I knew it was happening because I am nowhere near stupid when it comes to figuring things out. Why did I subject myself to such belittling? Screw it.
What people may not know about me is that I have this instinct. I know when things aren't right from the very start. I sense things. The only thing that doesn't work in my favor is that I tend to forge past when I know and ignore them hoping I am wrong. Rarely if ever am I wrong. I proved myself right today. It was about time. Call me nosy, call me curious, call me an untrusting person, but I found out what I needed to know all in one day. I had to know. I was just waiting for my chance to really find out. I wanted the opportunity for a really long time and it finally arrived. It hurt, but at least I could give myself the truth once and for after being lied to for so long. Now, I can learn to deal with the painful truth somehow and get through it. It kills me to even be in this position, but this is where I am because of the choice I made to let things go too far.
One thing I learned today is that love does not mean the world. Love does not mean a person will do anything to make sure that you are okay. Love does not mean you will not be hurt. Love doesn't give you a guarantee that you will be happy. Love is a farse. Love makes you deaf, dumb, and blind. Love threw me a curveball. It told me that it will not get me through life unharmed. Love leaves me here at my computer typing this stupid ass entry about how hurt I am. It leaves me here shackled and chained to reality. Reality is another smelly piece of life I would rather not face right now.
What I want to tell love is this...
You can tear me down and rip me apart. You can take my existence and step on it. You can throw as much shit at me as you want. You can cut at my self-esteem and self-respect, but you cannot rule my life. You throw a punch, I shoot a bullet. You say you wanna push me around...I say fuck you!
What people may not know about me is that I have this instinct. I know when things aren't right from the very start. I sense things. The only thing that doesn't work in my favor is that I tend to forge past when I know and ignore them hoping I am wrong. Rarely if ever am I wrong. I proved myself right today. It was about time. Call me nosy, call me curious, call me an untrusting person, but I found out what I needed to know all in one day. I had to know. I was just waiting for my chance to really find out. I wanted the opportunity for a really long time and it finally arrived. It hurt, but at least I could give myself the truth once and for after being lied to for so long. Now, I can learn to deal with the painful truth somehow and get through it. It kills me to even be in this position, but this is where I am because of the choice I made to let things go too far.
One thing I learned today is that love does not mean the world. Love does not mean a person will do anything to make sure that you are okay. Love does not mean you will not be hurt. Love doesn't give you a guarantee that you will be happy. Love is a farse. Love makes you deaf, dumb, and blind. Love threw me a curveball. It told me that it will not get me through life unharmed. Love leaves me here at my computer typing this stupid ass entry about how hurt I am. It leaves me here shackled and chained to reality. Reality is another smelly piece of life I would rather not face right now.
What I want to tell love is this...
You can tear me down and rip me apart. You can take my existence and step on it. You can throw as much shit at me as you want. You can cut at my self-esteem and self-respect, but you cannot rule my life. You throw a punch, I shoot a bullet. You say you wanna push me around...I say fuck you!