So its been forever....
Once again I find myself trying to figure out why I haven't updated this blog in a while. I know that writing journals and blogs and crap like that helps me. It is my own personal therapy and maybe I get better from writing this. There is one main problem though, my husband the moron forgot to pay the cable bill and we are left internetless once again. Am I surprised by his dumbassness? Not really. Am I surprised that his stupidity cost me the internet once again? Yes, because now the bill is so high with the reconnect fee that we can't get it turned back on until February. Bah.
So anyway, I am at my parents house using my dad's ancient dinosaur laptop to type this up and I am wondering why I am so grumpy.... then I remember that tomarrow is Christmas Eve and the day after that is Christmas. I think the last time I actually enjoyed Christmas was when I was 10, and I actually had holiday "spirit". Unfortunately, I grew up very quickly in the next year and became cynical. Yeah a jaded, cynical 11 year old. Awesome. I haven't truly enjoyed the holiday season in a very long time, and within the passed two years I have started to really hate it.
It's not just the crappy Christmas music played 24/7 everywhere, its the lack of true feeling that anyone gives for this season. Everyone rushes about trying to buy presents for everyone, and gets pissed off when they can't find just the right present. It's the fact that my mother in law does not seem to figure out that it's not the quantity of the presents it's the quality of the presents, and how much thought you put into the presents. I hate receiving gifts that I don't want or even like because someone couldn't put the time into getting to know me enough that I don't like most things that a so called normal woman would like. I don't like jewelry very much and I rarely wear it. The only jewelry I wear is my wedding ring, and some Raiders earrings that my husband bought me from this corner liquor store. I hate cheesy necklaces, and bracelets and crap like that. If she ever bothered to ask, she would know that I am allergic to base metals and nickel, and it makes me break out in a rash (the earrings are stainless steel). She could stop wasting her time and money in buying that crap jewelry that I will never wear.
I'm trying to figure out if I truly have a problem with Christmas or if it is the way that my mother in law does Christmas. Apparently when I get issues they seem to get in there deep and get fucked up bad. Thinking about it now, I am sure that my problem is with both. Christmas itself seems more commercial nowadays, and no one really seems to give it a thought about how it actually affects people. Everyone wants the newest greatest latest thing, and everyone is more than willing to go into debt to get it. Isn't that the reason why this economy is so bad? Everyone and their great grandmother is in debt. Everyone owes someone for something. The government is in debt and yet it keeps spending. Yes there is nothing wrong in buying something for a friend, a family member, or a co-worker, but for the love of god it doesn't have to be huge and expensive.
When I was a kid I actually gave a shit about the Christmas spirit. I knew it was the thought that truly counted, not how many presents I got, or how many I gave. I gave the cat a present for crying out loud. What is that old adage? "It's better to give than to receive." I had apparently took that to heart when I was younger. But as I got older I realized that more and more people didn't actually care, and all they wanted to do was to see who gave bigger and better gifts, and gave more gifts. What also bothers me is how bad people are when they don't get what they want, or that they don't find what they want to give someone. They get mean and evil and just down right out of control. I went to one of those stupid Black Friday sales once and witnessed this guy mow down this woman with his cart because she wasn't going through the front doors fast enough, and she was RUNNING! Makes one wonder how many people are injured or killed just because they went to one of those sales. I've witnessed people get into fist fights over a toy because it was the last one there and their kid wanted it so bad. No toy is worth that. I watch this stupidity and wonder why even celebrate a season that is supposed to be about giving, and spreading cheer, when all it is about now is buying expensive toys, and having material items that are worthless in the grand scheme of things.
What truly sucks is the fact that I am so jaded that the season holds no joy for me what so ever. I have two kids now, I should have joy for them, and giving them gifts. Then I hear how many gifts that dear Grandma Mira bought them, I think to myself, what is the point. She says she is so happy she bought so many gifts for the kids, and then turns around and complains to me that she spent too much money buying gifts for the kids and now she has to pawn her coveted half carat earrings to get groceries and gas. I don't feel sorry for her. It was her irresponsible spending, not mine.
But there is also that fact that I think she wants to make me look like a bad mom because we can't afford as many presents as she can. We were only able to afford to spend $20 on each kid. Matthew got a $10 musical keyboard, and a Garanimals outfit, and Adam got a set of sleepers and two Christmas outfits. I feel terrible that I can't get them more because I don't have the money to do so. I also feel terrible that it is all about how many presents that one can give and not about how much the child will enjoy them. Matthew enjoys the crap out of a dollar tree plastic gun that does absolutly nothing, over a $15 laser gun that has lights and sounds and all the bells and whistles. What also bothers me is the fact that it is socially acceptable that one could put themselves into debt just to make a flashy Christmas. I suppose my grumpyness and Grinchness has finally shown it's ugly head at this commercial holiday and all it's true lack of wonder.
I guess it could mostly be because I have not seen one person this entire holiday season, do something nice for me, my family, or some complete stranger. I guess it could also be that I find it hard to enjoy something when someone else I know cannot, and it makes me feel guilty. Or maybe it is all of the above and I'll just do what I always do. Pretend to be happy, to put on a smile, and keep my inner Grinch locked away.
So anyway, I am at my parents house using my dad's ancient dinosaur laptop to type this up and I am wondering why I am so grumpy.... then I remember that tomarrow is Christmas Eve and the day after that is Christmas. I think the last time I actually enjoyed Christmas was when I was 10, and I actually had holiday "spirit". Unfortunately, I grew up very quickly in the next year and became cynical. Yeah a jaded, cynical 11 year old. Awesome. I haven't truly enjoyed the holiday season in a very long time, and within the passed two years I have started to really hate it.
It's not just the crappy Christmas music played 24/7 everywhere, its the lack of true feeling that anyone gives for this season. Everyone rushes about trying to buy presents for everyone, and gets pissed off when they can't find just the right present. It's the fact that my mother in law does not seem to figure out that it's not the quantity of the presents it's the quality of the presents, and how much thought you put into the presents. I hate receiving gifts that I don't want or even like because someone couldn't put the time into getting to know me enough that I don't like most things that a so called normal woman would like. I don't like jewelry very much and I rarely wear it. The only jewelry I wear is my wedding ring, and some Raiders earrings that my husband bought me from this corner liquor store. I hate cheesy necklaces, and bracelets and crap like that. If she ever bothered to ask, she would know that I am allergic to base metals and nickel, and it makes me break out in a rash (the earrings are stainless steel). She could stop wasting her time and money in buying that crap jewelry that I will never wear.
I'm trying to figure out if I truly have a problem with Christmas or if it is the way that my mother in law does Christmas. Apparently when I get issues they seem to get in there deep and get fucked up bad. Thinking about it now, I am sure that my problem is with both. Christmas itself seems more commercial nowadays, and no one really seems to give it a thought about how it actually affects people. Everyone wants the newest greatest latest thing, and everyone is more than willing to go into debt to get it. Isn't that the reason why this economy is so bad? Everyone and their great grandmother is in debt. Everyone owes someone for something. The government is in debt and yet it keeps spending. Yes there is nothing wrong in buying something for a friend, a family member, or a co-worker, but for the love of god it doesn't have to be huge and expensive.
When I was a kid I actually gave a shit about the Christmas spirit. I knew it was the thought that truly counted, not how many presents I got, or how many I gave. I gave the cat a present for crying out loud. What is that old adage? "It's better to give than to receive." I had apparently took that to heart when I was younger. But as I got older I realized that more and more people didn't actually care, and all they wanted to do was to see who gave bigger and better gifts, and gave more gifts. What also bothers me is how bad people are when they don't get what they want, or that they don't find what they want to give someone. They get mean and evil and just down right out of control. I went to one of those stupid Black Friday sales once and witnessed this guy mow down this woman with his cart because she wasn't going through the front doors fast enough, and she was RUNNING! Makes one wonder how many people are injured or killed just because they went to one of those sales. I've witnessed people get into fist fights over a toy because it was the last one there and their kid wanted it so bad. No toy is worth that. I watch this stupidity and wonder why even celebrate a season that is supposed to be about giving, and spreading cheer, when all it is about now is buying expensive toys, and having material items that are worthless in the grand scheme of things.
What truly sucks is the fact that I am so jaded that the season holds no joy for me what so ever. I have two kids now, I should have joy for them, and giving them gifts. Then I hear how many gifts that dear Grandma Mira bought them, I think to myself, what is the point. She says she is so happy she bought so many gifts for the kids, and then turns around and complains to me that she spent too much money buying gifts for the kids and now she has to pawn her coveted half carat earrings to get groceries and gas. I don't feel sorry for her. It was her irresponsible spending, not mine.
But there is also that fact that I think she wants to make me look like a bad mom because we can't afford as many presents as she can. We were only able to afford to spend $20 on each kid. Matthew got a $10 musical keyboard, and a Garanimals outfit, and Adam got a set of sleepers and two Christmas outfits. I feel terrible that I can't get them more because I don't have the money to do so. I also feel terrible that it is all about how many presents that one can give and not about how much the child will enjoy them. Matthew enjoys the crap out of a dollar tree plastic gun that does absolutly nothing, over a $15 laser gun that has lights and sounds and all the bells and whistles. What also bothers me is the fact that it is socially acceptable that one could put themselves into debt just to make a flashy Christmas. I suppose my grumpyness and Grinchness has finally shown it's ugly head at this commercial holiday and all it's true lack of wonder.
I guess it could mostly be because I have not seen one person this entire holiday season, do something nice for me, my family, or some complete stranger. I guess it could also be that I find it hard to enjoy something when someone else I know cannot, and it makes me feel guilty. Or maybe it is all of the above and I'll just do what I always do. Pretend to be happy, to put on a smile, and keep my inner Grinch locked away.