meh
i only use this thing to lament.
i'm so frustrated with my body. i've been sick for almost a month now and it's just getting worse. nothing has bothered me so much as my temporary decrease in hearing. everything is muffled.. it sounds as if i am under water. i've been prodding at my ears, hope to release whatever is causing this to no avail. i don't understand this. i was always the healthy one. i would never be sick , and if i ever was it would be for a day tops, while i passed it on to my friends and they would be sick for days and days. i feel as though i have been sick almost all of this year so far. i think my body is giving in. i've been so beat down for the past, well, for years. i can't remember the last time i experienced true, non-fleeting happiness.
one thing that has been eating away at me since i broke up with tony is this loneliness. i was lonely when i was with him, but at least then i wasn't whoring myself out. the theme of the past year and a half seems to be letting whomever enjoy themselves with me for their brief benefit. i am so so so so so disgusted with myself for letting myself be treated the way i was. over and over again. i feel like a blow-up doll. this is probably why my body is torturing me now. i desecrated it. if i don't value it, why should it value itself?
aaargh. god, i am so fucking sad. even though i'm pretty cold and unfeeling when it comes to a lot of things, like babies haha, i really am just a sack of love. all i want in life is to shower someone with love. i don't know why, i feel like i have so much inside of me and the fact that it's pretty much useless right now is aggravating. i mean, it shouldn't matter who it goes to right? i have friends that i should shower with love. but it's not the same. and knowing there is someone right under my nose who would love to shower me with love and ask nothing in return is making me want to kill myself. he would be perfect. we would be perfect. it would be like something from a movie that i've never thought was real. but i'm fucking it up. with so many reasons like these to hate myself for, it's hard to figure out which one i hate myself most for.
oh, i'm also fucking up the rest of my life. i have no drive still. i need to get a loan co-signed to hofstra and do my exit interview so i can actually get my degree. i need to apply to vet schools so i can actually have a chance at a career. i need to get a second job so i can pay my bills, or actually apply for a real job that i wouldn't need a second job with. and instead of doing any of these things, i lay in bed sulking. wtf is wrong with me. i can't do anything for myself. i am a royal fuck-up.
god i want a hug so badly. no, no. i want to be held. i want someone to hold me, who i feel safe with, who can tell me i'll be okay. i don't want to be miserable anymore. and i want to be able to breathe. arrrrrrrrgh. i have to go steal another toilet paper roll from the bathroom so i can blow my nose all night.
also, i hate living in lynbrook.
also, i have no clue what i accomplished from this. i'm just sadder than when i started. and now i'm actually crying instead of thinking i might cry. blaaah
i'm so frustrated with my body. i've been sick for almost a month now and it's just getting worse. nothing has bothered me so much as my temporary decrease in hearing. everything is muffled.. it sounds as if i am under water. i've been prodding at my ears, hope to release whatever is causing this to no avail. i don't understand this. i was always the healthy one. i would never be sick , and if i ever was it would be for a day tops, while i passed it on to my friends and they would be sick for days and days. i feel as though i have been sick almost all of this year so far. i think my body is giving in. i've been so beat down for the past, well, for years. i can't remember the last time i experienced true, non-fleeting happiness.
one thing that has been eating away at me since i broke up with tony is this loneliness. i was lonely when i was with him, but at least then i wasn't whoring myself out. the theme of the past year and a half seems to be letting whomever enjoy themselves with me for their brief benefit. i am so so so so so disgusted with myself for letting myself be treated the way i was. over and over again. i feel like a blow-up doll. this is probably why my body is torturing me now. i desecrated it. if i don't value it, why should it value itself?
aaargh. god, i am so fucking sad. even though i'm pretty cold and unfeeling when it comes to a lot of things, like babies haha, i really am just a sack of love. all i want in life is to shower someone with love. i don't know why, i feel like i have so much inside of me and the fact that it's pretty much useless right now is aggravating. i mean, it shouldn't matter who it goes to right? i have friends that i should shower with love. but it's not the same. and knowing there is someone right under my nose who would love to shower me with love and ask nothing in return is making me want to kill myself. he would be perfect. we would be perfect. it would be like something from a movie that i've never thought was real. but i'm fucking it up. with so many reasons like these to hate myself for, it's hard to figure out which one i hate myself most for.
oh, i'm also fucking up the rest of my life. i have no drive still. i need to get a loan co-signed to hofstra and do my exit interview so i can actually get my degree. i need to apply to vet schools so i can actually have a chance at a career. i need to get a second job so i can pay my bills, or actually apply for a real job that i wouldn't need a second job with. and instead of doing any of these things, i lay in bed sulking. wtf is wrong with me. i can't do anything for myself. i am a royal fuck-up.
god i want a hug so badly. no, no. i want to be held. i want someone to hold me, who i feel safe with, who can tell me i'll be okay. i don't want to be miserable anymore. and i want to be able to breathe. arrrrrrrrgh. i have to go steal another toilet paper roll from the bathroom so i can blow my nose all night.
also, i hate living in lynbrook.
also, i have no clue what i accomplished from this. i'm just sadder than when i started. and now i'm actually crying instead of thinking i might cry. blaaah