I want to admit defeat.
I really do. I want to curl up in a ball and cry for a few days, and feel sorry for myself, and pissed at myself all at the same time. I really did fail miserably in my attempt at Lexington.
Some of it wasn't my fault, other than the fact that I tend to have awful luck when it comes to plans going off without a hitch. But it still feels like defeat. It feels like I failed.
I got back in Hopkinsville this afternoon after spending most of the money I had left to get a bus before I ended up on the streets. It's looking more and more like the harder I try to get away from this place, it's where I end up every single summer. At least this time I have the drive to get back on my feet and make it work.
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Now for part two of this post: I think some of you deserve an explanation. I've been pretty vague, if not downright tight-lipped about why I want out of Bowling Green to begin with.
I just can't do it anymore. I can't constantly argue with my best friend, I can't watch my grades slip because I'm more worried about everyone else, I can't keep wasting my life in a town I'm never going to get out of. I can't deal with being jobless because everyone around me has a car and I don't. I can't deal with the fact that I lived for almost an entire year in the same building where someone I knew died.
Even if it isn't intentional, I can't deal with being forgotten. I can't deal with being left behind. Most of all, I'm never going to be able to deal with it in a place that I came to in order to run away.
I've been running for almost three years now, and it's gotten me nowhere. I've jumped from relationship to relationship, from friend to friend, from place to place, and it's time for me to move on. My intentions were never good when I came to Bowling Green, and it's only made me feel worse the longer I've stayed.
The weight of everything has been crushing down on me for a long time now, and some of you have seen the effect it's had on me. I think one of the biggest things that's bothered me for so long is that ever since Tom, I've not found a single person I could love. I've managed to find plenty of people to care about, and a lot of people I would consider family, but no one I could love. It's not really something that people generally think should be a problem, but for me it is. My biggest fear has always been that I'm alone.
No matter how many friends I surround myself with, the only time I've ever felt that I wasn't alone in some way was with Tom, and in some respects with Bob. (Not Robert.) It's part of the reason I have trouble sleeping; it's really hard for me to sleep alone. It's been that way for about three years now.
There's a lot more I want to say, but I really don't want to say it on Livejournal, so I guess I'm done.
Some of it wasn't my fault, other than the fact that I tend to have awful luck when it comes to plans going off without a hitch. But it still feels like defeat. It feels like I failed.
I got back in Hopkinsville this afternoon after spending most of the money I had left to get a bus before I ended up on the streets. It's looking more and more like the harder I try to get away from this place, it's where I end up every single summer. At least this time I have the drive to get back on my feet and make it work.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now for part two of this post: I think some of you deserve an explanation. I've been pretty vague, if not downright tight-lipped about why I want out of Bowling Green to begin with.
I just can't do it anymore. I can't constantly argue with my best friend, I can't watch my grades slip because I'm more worried about everyone else, I can't keep wasting my life in a town I'm never going to get out of. I can't deal with being jobless because everyone around me has a car and I don't. I can't deal with the fact that I lived for almost an entire year in the same building where someone I knew died.
Even if it isn't intentional, I can't deal with being forgotten. I can't deal with being left behind. Most of all, I'm never going to be able to deal with it in a place that I came to in order to run away.
I've been running for almost three years now, and it's gotten me nowhere. I've jumped from relationship to relationship, from friend to friend, from place to place, and it's time for me to move on. My intentions were never good when I came to Bowling Green, and it's only made me feel worse the longer I've stayed.
The weight of everything has been crushing down on me for a long time now, and some of you have seen the effect it's had on me. I think one of the biggest things that's bothered me for so long is that ever since Tom, I've not found a single person I could love. I've managed to find plenty of people to care about, and a lot of people I would consider family, but no one I could love. It's not really something that people generally think should be a problem, but for me it is. My biggest fear has always been that I'm alone.
No matter how many friends I surround myself with, the only time I've ever felt that I wasn't alone in some way was with Tom, and in some respects with Bob. (Not Robert.) It's part of the reason I have trouble sleeping; it's really hard for me to sleep alone. It's been that way for about three years now.
There's a lot more I want to say, but I really don't want to say it on Livejournal, so I guess I'm done.