the present is not yet in focus
looking ahead becomes much more difficult when looking into the past is so damn easy. the biggest lesson i learnt and am learning this year is to live in the now. if there is only one thing to take away, this is it. because really, the present is all we have. as the year counts down to its hasty exit, i was recently reminded indirectly by a good friend, to revel in the present. his way of handling his own trying times x100 exemplified what i and the rest of us should be in focus for, not to mention, reduced me to an embarassed whining ball of a baby and ungrateful fuck.
however, i will not hesitate to state that it has been THE single most trying and challenging year in my existence thus far. i feel like that old school computer game "Prince of Persia", when in one level, drinking the poison potion would turn the screen completely upside down. and you'd then have to navigate the level and your way, lost, fighting upside down, backwards. but imagine feeling this in real life. in a matter of months, i lost faith completely, in myself, in humankind, in the purpose for life, in god. i also learned that there is a limit to "unconditional" love, which makes the term itself, false. i have tried to keep that idea true, but i've been struggling to support loved ones when i am against some of their major personal choices. it's not as simple as accepting these choices as mere aspects of their character, when these decisions speak directly of their morals and values. they are becoming everything opposite of why i love them. i find myself retreating. not because i am disgusted by who they've grown to become, but because i fear i am beginning to unlove them. so by not being around them too often, by turning away, by being ignorant, by distancing myself, perhaps i can preserve something. though i do realize that something, is only the past.
in the new year, i hope to see myself stand my ground, and be more honest with family and friends on the fact that i disagree with their lifestyles. i think i owe myself and them that. it is fast becoming hard to love someone with extremely different sets of morals and values from my own. i don't think that's judging. i think it just means it's tough, tougher to love. only time will tell how much and to what degree these relationships will evolve, or cease. i am still in the process of preparing myself for that inevitable change. even pondering it, scares the shits out of me.
however, i will not hesitate to state that it has been THE single most trying and challenging year in my existence thus far. i feel like that old school computer game "Prince of Persia", when in one level, drinking the poison potion would turn the screen completely upside down. and you'd then have to navigate the level and your way, lost, fighting upside down, backwards. but imagine feeling this in real life. in a matter of months, i lost faith completely, in myself, in humankind, in the purpose for life, in god. i also learned that there is a limit to "unconditional" love, which makes the term itself, false. i have tried to keep that idea true, but i've been struggling to support loved ones when i am against some of their major personal choices. it's not as simple as accepting these choices as mere aspects of their character, when these decisions speak directly of their morals and values. they are becoming everything opposite of why i love them. i find myself retreating. not because i am disgusted by who they've grown to become, but because i fear i am beginning to unlove them. so by not being around them too often, by turning away, by being ignorant, by distancing myself, perhaps i can preserve something. though i do realize that something, is only the past.
in the new year, i hope to see myself stand my ground, and be more honest with family and friends on the fact that i disagree with their lifestyles. i think i owe myself and them that. it is fast becoming hard to love someone with extremely different sets of morals and values from my own. i don't think that's judging. i think it just means it's tough, tougher to love. only time will tell how much and to what degree these relationships will evolve, or cease. i am still in the process of preparing myself for that inevitable change. even pondering it, scares the shits out of me.