Nobody Said It Was Easy
Title: Nobody Said It Was Easy
Disclaimer: Not real, not in the slightest.
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5,466
Notes: Okay, so I've not written anything fanfiction based in quite a while and this is an attempt to get writing again. I don't like the ending so I apologise for that but hey, hopefully something's better than nothing :). Oh, and angst up the wazoo.
Summary: Being someone’s dirty little secret was nowhere near as much fun as he thought it would be.
“Here’s the thing, being someone’s dirty little secret is nowhere near as much fun as I thought it would be. It’s...I thought it would be sexy and exciting because it was ours and no one else’s you know? But it’s not. When we go out together I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you goodnight and not have you look around warily before you let me. I want to be able to picture us in the future but I just can’t because my future involves a family and ours doesn’t. So....so Kris I think, for my sake, we need to not see each other anymore. And as much as I want to stay friends, and I do and I’ll fight for it, I think I need a bit of time to get over you before we start hanging out together as friends because I’m just not that masochistic.”
The street around them was quiet, the cold night having sent most people to their houses, and the only sounds were those of neighbourhood dogs and traffic in the distance. Adam stared at the smaller man in front of him unsure as to the reaction he was hoping for. But the heartbreak on his face was clearly visible and Adam hated seeing it there; he hated that he put it there. Trying not to fidget too much Adam waited for a reply.
“Do you think you can actually say that to Kris though? Because sweetie if that’s what you’re feeling I think you need to.”
Adam looked down at the ground and away from Brad.
“Probably not. I don’t....I don’t want to hurt him and I’m probably being unreasonable. You know that I can get a little too possessive and into someone when I love them and I’m probably just doing that again.”
“Oh no don’t you even being with that. There’s a difference, a big difference, between that and this. Yes you can be a jealous ass when you want to but this isn’t jealousy, this is common sense! Don’t doubt yourself like that.”
Brad started walking down the road leaving Adam to catch up with him.
“Me and Cass have been talking about this for a while. It’s not healthy what you two have going on. Not at all, not for either of you. I like Kris but he’s being a tool and I love you and you’re being a doormat. I don’t like tools or doormats; you may have noticed I have neither in my apartment. But the thing is Adam, neither of you are built to play those roles. Kris is a good guy and while all good guys do shitty things at times this is so out of his normal behaviour that he’ll end up hating both of you for turning him into someone who can do this. And you are not one to allow yourself to be walked over and you’ll resent him for doing it, fuck you already are.”
“He just needs time.”
“He needs to make a decision. Yes it’s fantastic that he never strung Katy along but he shouldn’t get to do it to you either. He may not be ready to come out but you’re not able to go back in and you’re not one for subtlety. You like showing off your boyfriends, which was great for us because I love being shown off, but Kris doesn’t. And at the moment, while he’s still closeted, he’s making you into someone you’re not.”
“I can change.”
“But you shouldn’t have to alter who you are to be with someone, not on some deep level. Some things yes, but you’re letting him dictate every aspect of this relationship. Adam, you have to stand up for yourself.”
“I know that.”
Adam was aware that he sounded petulant but he didn’t like that Brad was still so capable of dissecting his love life like that.
“I know you know that but you’re ignoring it. I told you to tell me what you wanted to say to Kris and you broke it off with him! How is that not telling you something?”
“I don’t actually want to leave him...I want him to do something to make me stay.”
Brad sighed at the admission and stopped walking; they had reached his apartment block.
“Well then tell him! Make him choose and accept that it might backfire on you. Shit or get off the pot Adam. There’s really nothing else to do. You’re unhappy and I’d bet a silver dollar that he’s unhappy, so what’s the point? Honestly honey, either way it’ll be better than this no man’s land you’re standing in at the moment.”
Brad stepped up the first few steps and leaned over to give Adam a peck on the cheek. His hand lingered on Adam’s face for a few seconds.
“You gonna be okay getting home? You wanna come in and call a cab?”
“As much as I could use the walk I think that’s probably best. Fuck knows how we got here without being spotted this far!”
“I think it has something to do with the out of the way scenic fucking route we took.”
Brad opened the door and they headed inside. Picking up his mail as they passed Brad started flipping through the pile.
“Bill, bill, oh looky, another bill.”
They stopped at the front door and Adam leaned against it.
“Brad you know I hate to ask and I don’t mean anything by it but....do you....are you doing okay?”
Brad looked up at Adam with a fond smile on his face as he opened the door to his apartment and they entered.
“If anyone else had said that I’d have slapped them silly. But, I might have asked Danielle the same thing about you after we broke up so I know where you’re coming from. And no, I do not need your money. Presents are always appreciated but I take charity from no one...well that and the fact that I genuinely don’t need hand outs, I’m not making a bad amount of money you know. I just need to remember to set my bills up so they don’t all come through on the same fucking day!”
Brad handed Adam the phone.
“I could have just used my cell.”
“I know but you weren’t so....”
“I know I know, I’m keeping you up on a work night.”
“And some of us actually have to work for a living.”
“Hey I work!”
“Yes you do, and you have the bags under your eyes to prove it, but you don’t work where souls go to die and therefore I win. Now call, go home and get some sleep.”
~~~~~~~~~~
Adam stared out of the window as the taxi made its way from Brad’s apartment to his house. The changing style of the buildings as he passed out of one area of LA and into another still shocked him; not that it happened but that he was the one living on the more expensive side. Sure he didn’t own a mansion like some others but he had a house, a nice one, and it was all his. He knew that some people thought it strange that he felt so at home in a place he barely spent any time, he knew that Kris, Allison, Matt and Anoop had all had troubles feeling at home in their houses and apartments because of the gypsy lifestyle they led. But Adam had taken one look at his house and known it was his, known that it was where he belonged for the moment. He might not be there that often but it was his sanctuary; away from the pressure to be ‘Adam Lambert’ and instead could just be Adam. And at the moment while trying to make the decision about what his life and his relationship with Kris was to become, he needed the space to simply exist.
It was therefore a surprise to find himself arriving not outside his home but instead outside of Kris’s. Telling his address to the taxi driver wasn’t something he’d put a lot of thought into but he was still shocked to realise that it could have been anything other than his house. He’d thought of home and he’d ended up outside of Kris’s brand new, post divorce, apartment and he wasn’t too sure he wanted to think about the implications of that.
Adam sat in the cab for a while contemplating asking the driver to simply move on but his subconscious obviously believed he needed to do this now and who was he to argue. Paying the driver he got out and headed up the stairs to the front door. The doorman let him in without question and Adam walked through to the elevator. Pressing the button for the carriage he waited for it to make its journey down to the ground floor.
When the doors opened Adam was surprised to see a worried looking Kris stood inside straightening his jacket. Kris froze; the shock of seeing Adam stood there clear on his face. The shock was quickly replaced by relief and Adam allowed himself to be pulled into a hug but he didn’t return it. Noticing the lack of response Kris moved away and looked at Adam in confusion.
“I was just coming to find you.”
Adam looked at Kris, really looked at him, and saw the bags under his eyes and the lines on his forehead that hadn’t been there a few months ago. It appeared that this hiding, this lying, wasn’t bad for Adam alone. Maybe Brad was right! In Adam’s experience he had an annoying tendency to be so. Maybe the repercussion of the deception were already starting, maybe it was too late to salvage even a friendship. Suddenly it was very clear in Adam’s mind that this needed to stop, that it all needed to stop; for both their sakes.
“We need to talk.... wait what do you mean...”
The doors of the elevator started to close; Kris still on the inside and Adam outside. Adam reached a hand out and pushed the doors back open. He stepped into the elevator and lent past Kris to push the button for Kris’s floor.
“What do you mean find me?”
“You weren’t answering your phone and I got worried.”
Adam hadn’t heard his phone once all evening, then again he’d not been listening for it. As he pulled it out of his pocket the doors to the elevator closed and it started its ascent. Seeing that his phone was on silent, and that he had five missed calls from Kris, Adam held it out to show the other man.
“Sorry. I was out.”
Adam could feel Kris looking at his outfit.
“I can see that.”
Kris's voice had gone flat and Adam knew that he was worrying about who he’d been with. Adam would never cheat on Kris but they both knew that he had to be seen to be playing the scene a little for both their images. He was always charged with stopping any rumours that might start. Normally knowing that Kris was a little jealous made Adam smile, it proved to him that no matter what they showed to the world when it was just them Kris did want him. But tonight it just made Adam angry. He wouldn’t have to pretend, wouldn’t have to semi-whore himself out, if they could admit their relationship and their silence was not his fault and it sure as hell wasn’t his idea. Adam was just about to make a comment, one that handily ignored the fact that he’d spent his evening with Brad distinctly not flirting, when the lights flickered off, there was a jolt, and the elevator stopped.
Adam looked in Kris’s direction and realised that the darkness was so complete that he couldn’t see him even if he was only about a foot away. What he could do was hear Kris, hear his breathing getting quicker.
“Kris you okay?”
The emergency lighting kicked in and instantly Adam was greeted with the sight of Kris looking pale and a little sweaty. Adam made sure to catch his eye and noticed him calm a little as he did.
“I’m sure it’ll start again soon.”
Adam tried to reassure Kris, to provide him with some form of comfort. His earlier anger had been completely forgotten and the need to protect the man he loved, the man who he had come here to break up with, took over.
Adam reached over and gave Kris’s hand a quick squeeze before moving forward to pick up the emergency phone. Within a few rings it was picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hey, we’re kinda stuck in the elevator.”
“Right...sorry, there’s been a power failure. The emergency backup has cut in but it’s not enough to move the elevator but don’t worry you’re completely safe, you’re just gonna have to sit tight for a bit. Sorry.”
“Fuck”
“Yeah. Can I ask how many of you there are in there?”
Adam looked over at Kris who was looking questioningly, and slightly desperately, at him.
“Two.”
“Okay, well we’ll get to you as soon as possible but I’m looking out the window and everything’s out so it might take a while.”
“Everything?”
“Yeah man, the whole block, everything.”
“Okay...well...keep us updated?”
“That I can do. I’ll speak to you in a bit.”
Adam placed the phone back on the hook and then lent against the wall.
“What’s happened? When are they getting us out? Why aren’t we moving?”
Adam ran a hand through his hair, sighed, and then sat on the floor. He lent back against the wall and patted the floor next to him.
“Powercut. Everything’s out. They’ll get to us as soon as possible.”
Kris looked horrified.
“But....no....no they can’t just, they can’t just leave us here! They have to...there’s gotta be something they can do!”
Kris had started to pace the small space, his breathing getting more and more rapid as he got more panicked. Adam reached out when Kris was near him and gently grabbed his ankle. Kris stopped moving at the touch and turned to face Adam.
Adam started rubbing his hand up and down Kris’s shin under his trousers hoping that the motion and contact would calm the other man. He could see the beginnings of a panic-attack forming and he wanted to head it off before it got the chance to take hold. While Kris had never suffered from them Adam had done his fair share of comforting those who did; Anoop had suffered on tour and all of them had gotten good at recognising the signs.
“Come on honey, breathe.”
Adam made sure to keep his voice as low and lyrical as possible. He didn’t know how a panic attack would take shape with Kris but he didn’t need him hyperventilating or throwing up.
“I’m sure they’ll get us out soon. We’re perfectly safe here, there’s nothing to worry about. Come on, breathe.”
Adam continued his quite reassurance until Kris’s breathing had begun to normalise. When Kris took a long, slow, deep breath Adam let go of Kris’s ankle and let out his own breath.
“Sorry, sorry, I’m...I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t know you were claustrophobic.”
“Neither did I. I’m not it’s just...it’s a lift you know. That’s not like other spaces, it can drop.”
“But it’s not going to.”
“I know.”
Kris pulled away from Adam and moved to the other side of the elevator. He dropped against the floor and lent back facing Adam. The expression on Kris’s face was hard to read as it kept changing. He was studying Adam but Adam couldn’t tell for what.
“So...”
It wasn’t a question and Adam didn’t know how to respond.
“So...”
“So you’re breaking up with me.”
“What? How? I mean...what?”
Kris gave a bitter laugh and shook his head.
“You’ve been acting weird for weeks. You’re ignoring my calls. You don’t come home...”
“I have my own home.”
“You’re never able to talk on the phone and tonight you disappear and then ‘need to talk’.”
“Kris...”
“You forget Adam that I did all of this with Katy.”
Adam pulled his knees up to his chest and lowered his head onto them closing his eyes but he didn’t dispute the point.
They sat in silence for what felt like hours but was probably no more than five minutes. Adam kept his eyes closed, he couldn’t look at Kris.
When Kris finally spoke his voice was firm and quiet.
“Who is he?”
Adam’s eyes shot open and his head jolted up. He could see tears streaming down Kris’s face even though he couldn’t hear them in his voice. He wanted to pull Kris into a hug till he stopped but doubted he had the right anymore.
“What?”
“Who is he?”
“No one, there’s no one. I wouldn’t....Kris I wouldn’t do that.”
Did Kris really believe that he could cheat on him? Didn’t he see how much he loved him!
“You were out tonight.”
“With Brad, I was out with Brad.”
“So there’s no one?”
“No!”
Kris again studied Adam’s face, looking for the truth in his statement. A hand came up and wiped some of the tears off of his cheeks.
“Then....then why?”
Adam wrapped his arms around his knees, holding them close to his chest.
“Because I can’t keep doing this. Because....because I...because I deserve to be more than a secret.”
“I love you.”
Kris’s whispered words were only just loud enough for Adam to hear.
“I know. I love you too but...but it’s just not enough.”
Adam would not cry, he wouldn’t. This was the right thing, it had to be, everything else had been so wrong.
“It should be.”
“But it isn’t.”
They sat in silence on either side of the elevator. The occasional hitch in Kris’s breath clued Adam into the fact that he was still crying and each noise broke his heart a little more.
He wished this conversation had happened somewhere else, somewhere one of them could leave. He’d never wanted this. He wanted to be able to cry, to be able to scream and shout where Kris couldn’t hear him, where he couldn’t see just how much it had broken Adam to say those words. He loved Kris more than he’d though possible but he couldn’t keep doing this.
“I’m sorry.”
Adam didn’t mean to speak but he couldn’t keep sitting there saying nothing.
“Don’t...don’t you don’t get to...just please don’t.”
“Kris...”
“Adam please. I...I know that, that perhaps I could have handled things better, should have treated you better but...but I love you.”
“I know.”
“No Adam I don’t think you do because if you did there’s no way you could say this is the right thing to do. You wouldn’t even be able to think it.”
“We can’t keep going like we are.”
Adam hated how desperate he sounded, hated how tired. He was exhausted and even though there had been no argument Adam felt as if he’d gone ten rounds. He never even noticed Kris moving across the floor of the elevator until he felt his hands on his.
“Then we change it.”
Adam looked at Kris’s hands on his.
“Kris...”
“Who the fuck just gives up? Who? I mean honestly. You love me, I love you, that’s all there is. That’s all there needs to be.”
“It’s so much more fucking complicated than that.”
“It shouldn’t be.”
“But it is.”
“Only because you’re making it!”
Adam gave a harsh laugh at that. How had he ended up being in the wrong here? He was right for fucks sake, this was the right thing to do!
“This is the right thing for us.”
“No it’s not.”
“Kris...”
“No. It’s. Not.”
“Repeating it doesn’t make it true.”
“Adam...I...”
“You love me I know”
Adam felt Kris let go of his hand and pull away. He moved away from Adam and back to the other side of the elevator. Adam looked at him, wanted to say something to take that look off his face but knew that the only thing he could say would be to take it back and he couldn’t do that. He had to be selfish, he had to do this for himself, before he lost himself.
An hour passed with no words being spoken. Occasionally Adam would see Kris looking at him but neither mentioned it.
The phone ringing broke the silence. Adam picked it up.
“Hello?”
The same voice from earlier answered.
“You guys doing okay?”
Adam looked over at Kris and nearly laughed at the question.
“Yeah, we’re fine.”
“That’s great. Look man, there’s someone here, you should be moving again in a few minutes. Sorry for the wait.”
“Thanks for letting us know.”
Just a few more minutes and then it would be over, everything he’d held on to so strongly would be over.
“They’re getting the lift moving again.”
Kris didn’t answer, just nodded his head a little and started to stand. Adam mirrored his movement and tried to straighten his clothes. When the lift jumped back into life it continued its rise to Kris’s floor. Adam wanted to say something, anything, to stop the possibility of these being their last words. But when the elevator doors opened Kris rushed out without even looking behind him. Adam watched as he disappeared round a corner in the hallway and out of sight.
Adam turned to head back into the elevator but decided against it and made his way to the stairwell.
He pulled out his phone and dialled the familiar number. When a sleepy voice answered he couldn’t stop the tears that finally began to run down his face.
“It’s done. It’s over.”
~~~~~~~~~
It had been 3 months since the night in the elevator and Adam hadn’t spoken to Kris once. Allison refused to talk to him until he 'got his head out of his ass and fixed it' which was unfortunate as they were touring together, Katy had phoned to call him an idiot and Cale had even turned up on his doorstep. Bizarrely Cale had been the most understanding and the only one to really listen to his side of the story, he had left with a promise to keep Adam updated on how Kris was doing. And Cale had kept his word, at least up until 2 weeks ago, somehow knowing exactly when Adam needed to hear what was going on but also that he needed space to work through it himself.
Not that Adam was working through anything. Since the breakup Adam had been drinking too much, staying out too late, and not getting enough sleep. But he had yet to fall into the ever increasing possibilities of drugs and random sex. And the fact that in every photo of him being helped out of a club he was supported by Tommy, Monte, Lane or Neil assured him that Kris knew he wasn’t sleeping around either. Even if they weren’t speaking he needed Kris to know that he wasn’t sleeping around.
The knock on his hotel room door pulled Adam out of his reverie. He put down the eyeliner and went to open the door knowing that whoever was his babysitter for the night would be on the other side. He opened the door without looking and was surprised when Allison pushed her way into his room. She moved straight to the television and turned it on, muting it instantly as she searched through the channels.
“Allison what are you...”
“Shut up.”
Adam stopped at her words. He’d given up trying to explain as she obviously was never going to understand but that didn’t mean that he was going to accept her anger.
“No just hold on a second.”
“Adam!”
Adam wanted to yell at her to get out but he’d never yelled at Allison yet and he wasn’t going to start now. Instead he crossed his arms over his chest and stood there glaring at her. It was probably wrong of him to feel a little satisfaction at the look of uncertainty that crossed her face but he couldn’t help it.
“I’m sorry. Alright I’ve said it. You were an idiot, he was an idiot, I’ve been an idiot. There, we’re all on the same page so we’re all fine.”
“Allison you’ve not spoken to me for months.”
“Did you miss the part where I said I’d been an idiot and I was sorry? No, right, then that’s done. But you’re not going out tonight because dude, you’re beginning to not need the makeup for the dark eyes look. You’re going to stay here, you’re not going to drink, you’re going to sleep, and most importantly you’re going to watch Letterman. Got it? Good.”
Adam stood where he was unable to do anything other than nod. It was all just a little too weird to be able to process. Allison walked over to him and handed him the remote for the television. She then lent up and kissed him on the cheek gently before pulling away. She then moved to the door and pulled it open. She turned to face Adam.
“This is my apology in case you were wondering.”
Leaving the room she let the door close behind her. Adam stared at it for a second and then turned to the television where Letterman was coming back from the commercial break. Adam was surprised to see Kris sat next to Letterman and quickly un-muted the sound.
“So we’re back with Kris Allen and the, some would say shocking, revelation that you’re gay.”
Adam sat heavily on the bed, his eyes glued to the screen.
“I’m not sure it’s that shocking.”
“Unexpected then.”
“Maybe a bit unexpected yeah.”
“But I remember you being married on Idol.”
“Yeah I was, and to a wonderful woman who I was with for years and who I deeply regret hurting. But as much as I love Katy, our marriage was more to do with doing what people expected, doing what we thought we were meant to, than being in love.”
“So what has made you decide to come out now? Aren’t you worried about the effect it could have on your career?”
“Well I thought about it, thought about it a lot, and I decided I didn’t care. No, that’s wrong...it was that I care more about something else.”
“What’s that?”
“I.....there was a man and I was, am, very in love with him. But I wasn’t open about it and we broke up because of that. He knew he deserved more than to be unacknowledged, to be hidden, and this is me deciding to change that.”
“So are you going to get back together with him? Does he have a name?”
“Well that’s up to him. And yes he has a name but I’m not going to mention it until he decides what he wants to do, I owe him that.”
“So Kris, this is quite a change in your life. What do your friends and family think?”
Adam muted the television again. He knew what Kris’s friends and family thought, at least those that mattered. He stared at the screen as the shot cut to Kris’s parents in the audience looking proudly at their son. He didn’t know what to make of the information he’d just received. Was he supposed to call Kris now? Was he meant to give him time? Did he have to give him time? Because he was pretty sure that he’d never wanted to wait for anything less in his life. Could Kris forgive him? Did everyone apart from him know this was going to happen?
A knock on the door made Adam jump. Getting up from the bed in a bit of a haze he cautiously made his way over to the door. He didn’t want to talk to anyone; he needed time to process everything before he could talk about it. Glancing through the peephole Adam let out a breath of air in shock. Kris stood on the other side of the door looking more than a little nervous. He saw him glance down the corridor and motion to someone.
Adam took a deep breath and opened the door. As he did he saw Allison’s door close quickly and knew exactly who Kris had been talking to. Kris stood with his hands in his pockets, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“Um....hi.”
“Hi.”
They stared at each other for a second before Adam remembered what his role in this was and moved to one side letting Kris into the room. Neither moved far into the room and neither spoke.
“So you’re meant to be on Letterman at the moment.”
“It was pre-taped two days ago.”
“Of course.”
The banality of the conversation was an easy opener until Adam realised the implications of the pre-taping.
“Wait. How the hell did you get him to keep that quiet?”
“I promised him I’d go back on with an answer to how my attempt at getting you back went.”
Adam nearly laughed.
“He said he was hoping for a positive result.”
“It would make better TV.”
“I think he meant it. Do you....you don’t mind do you? I just, I didn’t know how else to do it.”
Adam didn’t know what to think. He’d wanted nothing more than to be able to take Kris out in public, to be able to be open about being a couple, but he’d never thought that it would actually happen. And sure as hell not with help from David Letterman! He had thought that breaking up with Kris was the right thing to do but he’d never been more miserable in his life. He’d thought that alcohol would help but it had just made his skin and headaches worse. So far everything he’d thought about their relationship had turned out to be wrong and now he didn’t know what to think. Maybe thinking was overrated anyway.
Adam moved forward and pulled Kris into a kiss. It was full of love, passion, lust and more than a little desperation. Feeling Kris’s hands tangle in his hair Adam was positive that he’d done the right thing for the first time in month. When they pulled away they were both out of breath. Refusing to let go of Kris now that he finally had him back Adam leant his forehead against Kris’s and wrapped his arms around his back.
“I am so sorry.”
Kris had made his apology on national television and Adam wasn’t sure his whispered words were close to equalling them. But that didn’t mean that he meant them any less.
“So am I. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Neither did I, I...I know it seemed like it at the time but I never wanted you hurt.”
“I know. It took me a while to realise it but I got there eventually. Once I really thought about what had happened, what had been happening for a while, I knew what I had to do. I’m sorry it took me so long.”
Kris reached up for another kiss, almost as desperate as the last.
“I should have told you sooner, we should have talked about it. I shouldn’t have just broken up with you.”
“No you shouldn’t have. But we all do stupid things.”
“Some of us more than others.”
“I think as far as stupid goes we’re pretty even. I never meant to make you feel like a dirty secret, you were never anything less than my world and I’m so sorry I gave you cause to doubt that. I was never ashamed of what we had. ”
Kris pulled Adam over to the bed and sat them down on it.
“By the way, you need to thank Brad for finally explaining to me what the problem was.”
Adam could hear the hurt in Kris’s voice at being kept in the dark about what he’d done wrong. At being presented with a solution that he had no part in choosing.
“I’m sorry.”
Adam looked down at his hands; the guilt he’d been feeling over the past few months about his actions had been brought right to the surface. He felt Kris’s hand on his face and let him turn his head to face him. Kris kissed Adam but kept a gentle grip on his face when he’d finished; he kept Adam looking at him.
“I know sweetheart I know. Just promise me....promise me that next time I do something stupid and hurtful you talk to me about it rather than making the decision for both of us?”
“I promise.”
“Good. Now I think we’ve apologised enough for the next year. So how about we forego your regular routine of drinking till you pass out and my night-time habit of writing depressing songs and instead take full advantage of the age old practice of makeup sex.”
“I see your plan Kristopher Allen. You just want me for my body.”
“Your body, your mind, your heart. If it’s part of you then I want it.”
Adam and started to push Kris onto the bed, kissing him as they went.
“There’s one part of me that wants you right the fuck now.”
“Do you have work tomorrow morning?”
“Noting till the concert tomorrow night. Why?”
“Good, because you’re going to need sleep at some point and it’s not going to be tonight.”
“I love it when you take control.”
“Say’s the man pushing me onto the bed.”
“Metaphorically.”
“If you can even still think of that word we’re doing something wrong.”
Kris flipped Adam so that he was on top. He started to undo one of the three belts Adam was wearing.
“You and your damn clothes. You wear too many layers!”
Adam was going to help Kris to speed things up when he realised that there was no reason to rush. No matter what his dick was telling him, no matter that they had 3 months of sex to catch up on, Adam knew that they had the rest of their lives to do so.
Disclaimer: Not real, not in the slightest.
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5,466
Notes: Okay, so I've not written anything fanfiction based in quite a while and this is an attempt to get writing again. I don't like the ending so I apologise for that but hey, hopefully something's better than nothing :). Oh, and angst up the wazoo.
Summary: Being someone’s dirty little secret was nowhere near as much fun as he thought it would be.
“Here’s the thing, being someone’s dirty little secret is nowhere near as much fun as I thought it would be. It’s...I thought it would be sexy and exciting because it was ours and no one else’s you know? But it’s not. When we go out together I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you goodnight and not have you look around warily before you let me. I want to be able to picture us in the future but I just can’t because my future involves a family and ours doesn’t. So....so Kris I think, for my sake, we need to not see each other anymore. And as much as I want to stay friends, and I do and I’ll fight for it, I think I need a bit of time to get over you before we start hanging out together as friends because I’m just not that masochistic.”
The street around them was quiet, the cold night having sent most people to their houses, and the only sounds were those of neighbourhood dogs and traffic in the distance. Adam stared at the smaller man in front of him unsure as to the reaction he was hoping for. But the heartbreak on his face was clearly visible and Adam hated seeing it there; he hated that he put it there. Trying not to fidget too much Adam waited for a reply.
“Do you think you can actually say that to Kris though? Because sweetie if that’s what you’re feeling I think you need to.”
Adam looked down at the ground and away from Brad.
“Probably not. I don’t....I don’t want to hurt him and I’m probably being unreasonable. You know that I can get a little too possessive and into someone when I love them and I’m probably just doing that again.”
“Oh no don’t you even being with that. There’s a difference, a big difference, between that and this. Yes you can be a jealous ass when you want to but this isn’t jealousy, this is common sense! Don’t doubt yourself like that.”
Brad started walking down the road leaving Adam to catch up with him.
“Me and Cass have been talking about this for a while. It’s not healthy what you two have going on. Not at all, not for either of you. I like Kris but he’s being a tool and I love you and you’re being a doormat. I don’t like tools or doormats; you may have noticed I have neither in my apartment. But the thing is Adam, neither of you are built to play those roles. Kris is a good guy and while all good guys do shitty things at times this is so out of his normal behaviour that he’ll end up hating both of you for turning him into someone who can do this. And you are not one to allow yourself to be walked over and you’ll resent him for doing it, fuck you already are.”
“He just needs time.”
“He needs to make a decision. Yes it’s fantastic that he never strung Katy along but he shouldn’t get to do it to you either. He may not be ready to come out but you’re not able to go back in and you’re not one for subtlety. You like showing off your boyfriends, which was great for us because I love being shown off, but Kris doesn’t. And at the moment, while he’s still closeted, he’s making you into someone you’re not.”
“I can change.”
“But you shouldn’t have to alter who you are to be with someone, not on some deep level. Some things yes, but you’re letting him dictate every aspect of this relationship. Adam, you have to stand up for yourself.”
“I know that.”
Adam was aware that he sounded petulant but he didn’t like that Brad was still so capable of dissecting his love life like that.
“I know you know that but you’re ignoring it. I told you to tell me what you wanted to say to Kris and you broke it off with him! How is that not telling you something?”
“I don’t actually want to leave him...I want him to do something to make me stay.”
Brad sighed at the admission and stopped walking; they had reached his apartment block.
“Well then tell him! Make him choose and accept that it might backfire on you. Shit or get off the pot Adam. There’s really nothing else to do. You’re unhappy and I’d bet a silver dollar that he’s unhappy, so what’s the point? Honestly honey, either way it’ll be better than this no man’s land you’re standing in at the moment.”
Brad stepped up the first few steps and leaned over to give Adam a peck on the cheek. His hand lingered on Adam’s face for a few seconds.
“You gonna be okay getting home? You wanna come in and call a cab?”
“As much as I could use the walk I think that’s probably best. Fuck knows how we got here without being spotted this far!”
“I think it has something to do with the out of the way scenic fucking route we took.”
Brad opened the door and they headed inside. Picking up his mail as they passed Brad started flipping through the pile.
“Bill, bill, oh looky, another bill.”
They stopped at the front door and Adam leaned against it.
“Brad you know I hate to ask and I don’t mean anything by it but....do you....are you doing okay?”
Brad looked up at Adam with a fond smile on his face as he opened the door to his apartment and they entered.
“If anyone else had said that I’d have slapped them silly. But, I might have asked Danielle the same thing about you after we broke up so I know where you’re coming from. And no, I do not need your money. Presents are always appreciated but I take charity from no one...well that and the fact that I genuinely don’t need hand outs, I’m not making a bad amount of money you know. I just need to remember to set my bills up so they don’t all come through on the same fucking day!”
Brad handed Adam the phone.
“I could have just used my cell.”
“I know but you weren’t so....”
“I know I know, I’m keeping you up on a work night.”
“And some of us actually have to work for a living.”
“Hey I work!”
“Yes you do, and you have the bags under your eyes to prove it, but you don’t work where souls go to die and therefore I win. Now call, go home and get some sleep.”
~~~~~~~~~~
Adam stared out of the window as the taxi made its way from Brad’s apartment to his house. The changing style of the buildings as he passed out of one area of LA and into another still shocked him; not that it happened but that he was the one living on the more expensive side. Sure he didn’t own a mansion like some others but he had a house, a nice one, and it was all his. He knew that some people thought it strange that he felt so at home in a place he barely spent any time, he knew that Kris, Allison, Matt and Anoop had all had troubles feeling at home in their houses and apartments because of the gypsy lifestyle they led. But Adam had taken one look at his house and known it was his, known that it was where he belonged for the moment. He might not be there that often but it was his sanctuary; away from the pressure to be ‘Adam Lambert’ and instead could just be Adam. And at the moment while trying to make the decision about what his life and his relationship with Kris was to become, he needed the space to simply exist.
It was therefore a surprise to find himself arriving not outside his home but instead outside of Kris’s. Telling his address to the taxi driver wasn’t something he’d put a lot of thought into but he was still shocked to realise that it could have been anything other than his house. He’d thought of home and he’d ended up outside of Kris’s brand new, post divorce, apartment and he wasn’t too sure he wanted to think about the implications of that.
Adam sat in the cab for a while contemplating asking the driver to simply move on but his subconscious obviously believed he needed to do this now and who was he to argue. Paying the driver he got out and headed up the stairs to the front door. The doorman let him in without question and Adam walked through to the elevator. Pressing the button for the carriage he waited for it to make its journey down to the ground floor.
When the doors opened Adam was surprised to see a worried looking Kris stood inside straightening his jacket. Kris froze; the shock of seeing Adam stood there clear on his face. The shock was quickly replaced by relief and Adam allowed himself to be pulled into a hug but he didn’t return it. Noticing the lack of response Kris moved away and looked at Adam in confusion.
“I was just coming to find you.”
Adam looked at Kris, really looked at him, and saw the bags under his eyes and the lines on his forehead that hadn’t been there a few months ago. It appeared that this hiding, this lying, wasn’t bad for Adam alone. Maybe Brad was right! In Adam’s experience he had an annoying tendency to be so. Maybe the repercussion of the deception were already starting, maybe it was too late to salvage even a friendship. Suddenly it was very clear in Adam’s mind that this needed to stop, that it all needed to stop; for both their sakes.
“We need to talk.... wait what do you mean...”
The doors of the elevator started to close; Kris still on the inside and Adam outside. Adam reached a hand out and pushed the doors back open. He stepped into the elevator and lent past Kris to push the button for Kris’s floor.
“What do you mean find me?”
“You weren’t answering your phone and I got worried.”
Adam hadn’t heard his phone once all evening, then again he’d not been listening for it. As he pulled it out of his pocket the doors to the elevator closed and it started its ascent. Seeing that his phone was on silent, and that he had five missed calls from Kris, Adam held it out to show the other man.
“Sorry. I was out.”
Adam could feel Kris looking at his outfit.
“I can see that.”
Kris's voice had gone flat and Adam knew that he was worrying about who he’d been with. Adam would never cheat on Kris but they both knew that he had to be seen to be playing the scene a little for both their images. He was always charged with stopping any rumours that might start. Normally knowing that Kris was a little jealous made Adam smile, it proved to him that no matter what they showed to the world when it was just them Kris did want him. But tonight it just made Adam angry. He wouldn’t have to pretend, wouldn’t have to semi-whore himself out, if they could admit their relationship and their silence was not his fault and it sure as hell wasn’t his idea. Adam was just about to make a comment, one that handily ignored the fact that he’d spent his evening with Brad distinctly not flirting, when the lights flickered off, there was a jolt, and the elevator stopped.
Adam looked in Kris’s direction and realised that the darkness was so complete that he couldn’t see him even if he was only about a foot away. What he could do was hear Kris, hear his breathing getting quicker.
“Kris you okay?”
The emergency lighting kicked in and instantly Adam was greeted with the sight of Kris looking pale and a little sweaty. Adam made sure to catch his eye and noticed him calm a little as he did.
“I’m sure it’ll start again soon.”
Adam tried to reassure Kris, to provide him with some form of comfort. His earlier anger had been completely forgotten and the need to protect the man he loved, the man who he had come here to break up with, took over.
Adam reached over and gave Kris’s hand a quick squeeze before moving forward to pick up the emergency phone. Within a few rings it was picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hey, we’re kinda stuck in the elevator.”
“Right...sorry, there’s been a power failure. The emergency backup has cut in but it’s not enough to move the elevator but don’t worry you’re completely safe, you’re just gonna have to sit tight for a bit. Sorry.”
“Fuck”
“Yeah. Can I ask how many of you there are in there?”
Adam looked over at Kris who was looking questioningly, and slightly desperately, at him.
“Two.”
“Okay, well we’ll get to you as soon as possible but I’m looking out the window and everything’s out so it might take a while.”
“Everything?”
“Yeah man, the whole block, everything.”
“Okay...well...keep us updated?”
“That I can do. I’ll speak to you in a bit.”
Adam placed the phone back on the hook and then lent against the wall.
“What’s happened? When are they getting us out? Why aren’t we moving?”
Adam ran a hand through his hair, sighed, and then sat on the floor. He lent back against the wall and patted the floor next to him.
“Powercut. Everything’s out. They’ll get to us as soon as possible.”
Kris looked horrified.
“But....no....no they can’t just, they can’t just leave us here! They have to...there’s gotta be something they can do!”
Kris had started to pace the small space, his breathing getting more and more rapid as he got more panicked. Adam reached out when Kris was near him and gently grabbed his ankle. Kris stopped moving at the touch and turned to face Adam.
Adam started rubbing his hand up and down Kris’s shin under his trousers hoping that the motion and contact would calm the other man. He could see the beginnings of a panic-attack forming and he wanted to head it off before it got the chance to take hold. While Kris had never suffered from them Adam had done his fair share of comforting those who did; Anoop had suffered on tour and all of them had gotten good at recognising the signs.
“Come on honey, breathe.”
Adam made sure to keep his voice as low and lyrical as possible. He didn’t know how a panic attack would take shape with Kris but he didn’t need him hyperventilating or throwing up.
“I’m sure they’ll get us out soon. We’re perfectly safe here, there’s nothing to worry about. Come on, breathe.”
Adam continued his quite reassurance until Kris’s breathing had begun to normalise. When Kris took a long, slow, deep breath Adam let go of Kris’s ankle and let out his own breath.
“Sorry, sorry, I’m...I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t know you were claustrophobic.”
“Neither did I. I’m not it’s just...it’s a lift you know. That’s not like other spaces, it can drop.”
“But it’s not going to.”
“I know.”
Kris pulled away from Adam and moved to the other side of the elevator. He dropped against the floor and lent back facing Adam. The expression on Kris’s face was hard to read as it kept changing. He was studying Adam but Adam couldn’t tell for what.
“So...”
It wasn’t a question and Adam didn’t know how to respond.
“So...”
“So you’re breaking up with me.”
“What? How? I mean...what?”
Kris gave a bitter laugh and shook his head.
“You’ve been acting weird for weeks. You’re ignoring my calls. You don’t come home...”
“I have my own home.”
“You’re never able to talk on the phone and tonight you disappear and then ‘need to talk’.”
“Kris...”
“You forget Adam that I did all of this with Katy.”
Adam pulled his knees up to his chest and lowered his head onto them closing his eyes but he didn’t dispute the point.
They sat in silence for what felt like hours but was probably no more than five minutes. Adam kept his eyes closed, he couldn’t look at Kris.
When Kris finally spoke his voice was firm and quiet.
“Who is he?”
Adam’s eyes shot open and his head jolted up. He could see tears streaming down Kris’s face even though he couldn’t hear them in his voice. He wanted to pull Kris into a hug till he stopped but doubted he had the right anymore.
“What?”
“Who is he?”
“No one, there’s no one. I wouldn’t....Kris I wouldn’t do that.”
Did Kris really believe that he could cheat on him? Didn’t he see how much he loved him!
“You were out tonight.”
“With Brad, I was out with Brad.”
“So there’s no one?”
“No!”
Kris again studied Adam’s face, looking for the truth in his statement. A hand came up and wiped some of the tears off of his cheeks.
“Then....then why?”
Adam wrapped his arms around his knees, holding them close to his chest.
“Because I can’t keep doing this. Because....because I...because I deserve to be more than a secret.”
“I love you.”
Kris’s whispered words were only just loud enough for Adam to hear.
“I know. I love you too but...but it’s just not enough.”
Adam would not cry, he wouldn’t. This was the right thing, it had to be, everything else had been so wrong.
“It should be.”
“But it isn’t.”
They sat in silence on either side of the elevator. The occasional hitch in Kris’s breath clued Adam into the fact that he was still crying and each noise broke his heart a little more.
He wished this conversation had happened somewhere else, somewhere one of them could leave. He’d never wanted this. He wanted to be able to cry, to be able to scream and shout where Kris couldn’t hear him, where he couldn’t see just how much it had broken Adam to say those words. He loved Kris more than he’d though possible but he couldn’t keep doing this.
“I’m sorry.”
Adam didn’t mean to speak but he couldn’t keep sitting there saying nothing.
“Don’t...don’t you don’t get to...just please don’t.”
“Kris...”
“Adam please. I...I know that, that perhaps I could have handled things better, should have treated you better but...but I love you.”
“I know.”
“No Adam I don’t think you do because if you did there’s no way you could say this is the right thing to do. You wouldn’t even be able to think it.”
“We can’t keep going like we are.”
Adam hated how desperate he sounded, hated how tired. He was exhausted and even though there had been no argument Adam felt as if he’d gone ten rounds. He never even noticed Kris moving across the floor of the elevator until he felt his hands on his.
“Then we change it.”
Adam looked at Kris’s hands on his.
“Kris...”
“Who the fuck just gives up? Who? I mean honestly. You love me, I love you, that’s all there is. That’s all there needs to be.”
“It’s so much more fucking complicated than that.”
“It shouldn’t be.”
“But it is.”
“Only because you’re making it!”
Adam gave a harsh laugh at that. How had he ended up being in the wrong here? He was right for fucks sake, this was the right thing to do!
“This is the right thing for us.”
“No it’s not.”
“Kris...”
“No. It’s. Not.”
“Repeating it doesn’t make it true.”
“Adam...I...”
“You love me I know”
Adam felt Kris let go of his hand and pull away. He moved away from Adam and back to the other side of the elevator. Adam looked at him, wanted to say something to take that look off his face but knew that the only thing he could say would be to take it back and he couldn’t do that. He had to be selfish, he had to do this for himself, before he lost himself.
An hour passed with no words being spoken. Occasionally Adam would see Kris looking at him but neither mentioned it.
The phone ringing broke the silence. Adam picked it up.
“Hello?”
The same voice from earlier answered.
“You guys doing okay?”
Adam looked over at Kris and nearly laughed at the question.
“Yeah, we’re fine.”
“That’s great. Look man, there’s someone here, you should be moving again in a few minutes. Sorry for the wait.”
“Thanks for letting us know.”
Just a few more minutes and then it would be over, everything he’d held on to so strongly would be over.
“They’re getting the lift moving again.”
Kris didn’t answer, just nodded his head a little and started to stand. Adam mirrored his movement and tried to straighten his clothes. When the lift jumped back into life it continued its rise to Kris’s floor. Adam wanted to say something, anything, to stop the possibility of these being their last words. But when the elevator doors opened Kris rushed out without even looking behind him. Adam watched as he disappeared round a corner in the hallway and out of sight.
Adam turned to head back into the elevator but decided against it and made his way to the stairwell.
He pulled out his phone and dialled the familiar number. When a sleepy voice answered he couldn’t stop the tears that finally began to run down his face.
“It’s done. It’s over.”
~~~~~~~~~
It had been 3 months since the night in the elevator and Adam hadn’t spoken to Kris once. Allison refused to talk to him until he 'got his head out of his ass and fixed it' which was unfortunate as they were touring together, Katy had phoned to call him an idiot and Cale had even turned up on his doorstep. Bizarrely Cale had been the most understanding and the only one to really listen to his side of the story, he had left with a promise to keep Adam updated on how Kris was doing. And Cale had kept his word, at least up until 2 weeks ago, somehow knowing exactly when Adam needed to hear what was going on but also that he needed space to work through it himself.
Not that Adam was working through anything. Since the breakup Adam had been drinking too much, staying out too late, and not getting enough sleep. But he had yet to fall into the ever increasing possibilities of drugs and random sex. And the fact that in every photo of him being helped out of a club he was supported by Tommy, Monte, Lane or Neil assured him that Kris knew he wasn’t sleeping around either. Even if they weren’t speaking he needed Kris to know that he wasn’t sleeping around.
The knock on his hotel room door pulled Adam out of his reverie. He put down the eyeliner and went to open the door knowing that whoever was his babysitter for the night would be on the other side. He opened the door without looking and was surprised when Allison pushed her way into his room. She moved straight to the television and turned it on, muting it instantly as she searched through the channels.
“Allison what are you...”
“Shut up.”
Adam stopped at her words. He’d given up trying to explain as she obviously was never going to understand but that didn’t mean that he was going to accept her anger.
“No just hold on a second.”
“Adam!”
Adam wanted to yell at her to get out but he’d never yelled at Allison yet and he wasn’t going to start now. Instead he crossed his arms over his chest and stood there glaring at her. It was probably wrong of him to feel a little satisfaction at the look of uncertainty that crossed her face but he couldn’t help it.
“I’m sorry. Alright I’ve said it. You were an idiot, he was an idiot, I’ve been an idiot. There, we’re all on the same page so we’re all fine.”
“Allison you’ve not spoken to me for months.”
“Did you miss the part where I said I’d been an idiot and I was sorry? No, right, then that’s done. But you’re not going out tonight because dude, you’re beginning to not need the makeup for the dark eyes look. You’re going to stay here, you’re not going to drink, you’re going to sleep, and most importantly you’re going to watch Letterman. Got it? Good.”
Adam stood where he was unable to do anything other than nod. It was all just a little too weird to be able to process. Allison walked over to him and handed him the remote for the television. She then lent up and kissed him on the cheek gently before pulling away. She then moved to the door and pulled it open. She turned to face Adam.
“This is my apology in case you were wondering.”
Leaving the room she let the door close behind her. Adam stared at it for a second and then turned to the television where Letterman was coming back from the commercial break. Adam was surprised to see Kris sat next to Letterman and quickly un-muted the sound.
“So we’re back with Kris Allen and the, some would say shocking, revelation that you’re gay.”
Adam sat heavily on the bed, his eyes glued to the screen.
“I’m not sure it’s that shocking.”
“Unexpected then.”
“Maybe a bit unexpected yeah.”
“But I remember you being married on Idol.”
“Yeah I was, and to a wonderful woman who I was with for years and who I deeply regret hurting. But as much as I love Katy, our marriage was more to do with doing what people expected, doing what we thought we were meant to, than being in love.”
“So what has made you decide to come out now? Aren’t you worried about the effect it could have on your career?”
“Well I thought about it, thought about it a lot, and I decided I didn’t care. No, that’s wrong...it was that I care more about something else.”
“What’s that?”
“I.....there was a man and I was, am, very in love with him. But I wasn’t open about it and we broke up because of that. He knew he deserved more than to be unacknowledged, to be hidden, and this is me deciding to change that.”
“So are you going to get back together with him? Does he have a name?”
“Well that’s up to him. And yes he has a name but I’m not going to mention it until he decides what he wants to do, I owe him that.”
“So Kris, this is quite a change in your life. What do your friends and family think?”
Adam muted the television again. He knew what Kris’s friends and family thought, at least those that mattered. He stared at the screen as the shot cut to Kris’s parents in the audience looking proudly at their son. He didn’t know what to make of the information he’d just received. Was he supposed to call Kris now? Was he meant to give him time? Did he have to give him time? Because he was pretty sure that he’d never wanted to wait for anything less in his life. Could Kris forgive him? Did everyone apart from him know this was going to happen?
A knock on the door made Adam jump. Getting up from the bed in a bit of a haze he cautiously made his way over to the door. He didn’t want to talk to anyone; he needed time to process everything before he could talk about it. Glancing through the peephole Adam let out a breath of air in shock. Kris stood on the other side of the door looking more than a little nervous. He saw him glance down the corridor and motion to someone.
Adam took a deep breath and opened the door. As he did he saw Allison’s door close quickly and knew exactly who Kris had been talking to. Kris stood with his hands in his pockets, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“Um....hi.”
“Hi.”
They stared at each other for a second before Adam remembered what his role in this was and moved to one side letting Kris into the room. Neither moved far into the room and neither spoke.
“So you’re meant to be on Letterman at the moment.”
“It was pre-taped two days ago.”
“Of course.”
The banality of the conversation was an easy opener until Adam realised the implications of the pre-taping.
“Wait. How the hell did you get him to keep that quiet?”
“I promised him I’d go back on with an answer to how my attempt at getting you back went.”
Adam nearly laughed.
“He said he was hoping for a positive result.”
“It would make better TV.”
“I think he meant it. Do you....you don’t mind do you? I just, I didn’t know how else to do it.”
Adam didn’t know what to think. He’d wanted nothing more than to be able to take Kris out in public, to be able to be open about being a couple, but he’d never thought that it would actually happen. And sure as hell not with help from David Letterman! He had thought that breaking up with Kris was the right thing to do but he’d never been more miserable in his life. He’d thought that alcohol would help but it had just made his skin and headaches worse. So far everything he’d thought about their relationship had turned out to be wrong and now he didn’t know what to think. Maybe thinking was overrated anyway.
Adam moved forward and pulled Kris into a kiss. It was full of love, passion, lust and more than a little desperation. Feeling Kris’s hands tangle in his hair Adam was positive that he’d done the right thing for the first time in month. When they pulled away they were both out of breath. Refusing to let go of Kris now that he finally had him back Adam leant his forehead against Kris’s and wrapped his arms around his back.
“I am so sorry.”
Kris had made his apology on national television and Adam wasn’t sure his whispered words were close to equalling them. But that didn’t mean that he meant them any less.
“So am I. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Neither did I, I...I know it seemed like it at the time but I never wanted you hurt.”
“I know. It took me a while to realise it but I got there eventually. Once I really thought about what had happened, what had been happening for a while, I knew what I had to do. I’m sorry it took me so long.”
Kris reached up for another kiss, almost as desperate as the last.
“I should have told you sooner, we should have talked about it. I shouldn’t have just broken up with you.”
“No you shouldn’t have. But we all do stupid things.”
“Some of us more than others.”
“I think as far as stupid goes we’re pretty even. I never meant to make you feel like a dirty secret, you were never anything less than my world and I’m so sorry I gave you cause to doubt that. I was never ashamed of what we had. ”
Kris pulled Adam over to the bed and sat them down on it.
“By the way, you need to thank Brad for finally explaining to me what the problem was.”
Adam could hear the hurt in Kris’s voice at being kept in the dark about what he’d done wrong. At being presented with a solution that he had no part in choosing.
“I’m sorry.”
Adam looked down at his hands; the guilt he’d been feeling over the past few months about his actions had been brought right to the surface. He felt Kris’s hand on his face and let him turn his head to face him. Kris kissed Adam but kept a gentle grip on his face when he’d finished; he kept Adam looking at him.
“I know sweetheart I know. Just promise me....promise me that next time I do something stupid and hurtful you talk to me about it rather than making the decision for both of us?”
“I promise.”
“Good. Now I think we’ve apologised enough for the next year. So how about we forego your regular routine of drinking till you pass out and my night-time habit of writing depressing songs and instead take full advantage of the age old practice of makeup sex.”
“I see your plan Kristopher Allen. You just want me for my body.”
“Your body, your mind, your heart. If it’s part of you then I want it.”
Adam and started to push Kris onto the bed, kissing him as they went.
“There’s one part of me that wants you right the fuck now.”
“Do you have work tomorrow morning?”
“Noting till the concert tomorrow night. Why?”
“Good, because you’re going to need sleep at some point and it’s not going to be tonight.”
“I love it when you take control.”
“Say’s the man pushing me onto the bed.”
“Metaphorically.”
“If you can even still think of that word we’re doing something wrong.”
Kris flipped Adam so that he was on top. He started to undo one of the three belts Adam was wearing.
“You and your damn clothes. You wear too many layers!”
Adam was going to help Kris to speed things up when he realised that there was no reason to rush. No matter what his dick was telling him, no matter that they had 3 months of sex to catch up on, Adam knew that they had the rest of their lives to do so.